if i were the president of the philippines

Tado gives Vice Ganda a dose of her own medicine

2010-05-24T00:33:00.001-07:00

To those who haven't seen it yet here it is

I dunno but it seems like Vice is morphing into another Willie Revillame. I hope not because she is 10000x more talented than Revillame. It is just a little disturbing because one who is in her position and her line of work really just have to be able to take it as well as dish it out. Magaling kang mang okray, so dapat pag ikaw ang tinira kaya mo ring tanggapin. She needs to realize that people are out to get her and she needs to have the guile to see this from a mile away. Disappointing.

Out of topic, but I USED to watch Showtime regularly before TFC fucked around with their programming and moved the show to 1pm or so, but what really bothered me about her specifically is when she made fun of a kids group. I knew one of the kids in the group, (not the one who got humiliated by Vice) and according to her, her friend was just subjected to bullying because of Vice. This caused a lot of distress and caused the kids to not go to school anymore.

I realize the nature of the show but I think Vice needs to lay off kids a little bit. These are kids. Kung matatanda, no problem kahit mura murahin oks lang. Pero bata? This is what kinda turned me off. Anyway I still enjoy watching her.

But this incident does not excuse Tado for being a fucking homophobe. Shame on you dude.

If only she could skip the talking part

2010-05-12T21:08:00.000-07:00

I gotta admit this girl is growing on me.

Now I dunno where she stays here in the states but she just needs a little more street cred to kinda mask that "fobby" tone that she has, and hey the sky's the limit for her.

Forget Noynoy vs. Villar, Its Willie vs Jobert Sucaldito

2010-05-04T01:06:00.000-07:00

4 May 2010

Add Jobert Sucaldito to the list of Willie Revillame's enemies as Revillame in his noontime show Wowowee threatened to resign if the management of ABS-CBN would retain Sucaldito's services.

This came about as Sucaldito remarked in his (or its?) radio program that the segment "Willie of Fortune" should not feature those students who are barely passing in school or those who have an average of 75% - 79%. Sucaldito said something to the effect of "dapat hindi sinasali ang mga estudyanteng bobo"

Not surprisingly, and probably due to menopause, Revillame did not like this and in turn issued an ultimatum to his mother studio to remove Jobert immediately.

WILLIE VS. JOBERT

Without knowing (or nor do I care) of Sucaldito's preference for president, I think it is safe to assume that Sucaldito is probably pulling for Noynoy Aquino just because of his affiliation with Kris Aquino, and Revillame as we all know is a die hard Villar supporter so it is not outside the realm of possibility that this is politically motivated.

Willie probably wants to see how much influence does he really have in ABS CBN. Just staying true to his egotistical character.

Sad to say, if this is not diffused early, Sucaldito might find himself without a job in the next few days. I'm not sure if ABS-CBN is willing to call Revillame's bluff or they could afford to, because whether I admit it or not, Wowowee is one of the station's moneymakers, particularly among TFC subscribers.

it took anne curtis' right boob to wake me up from my slumber.

2010-03-24T11:44:00.002-07:00

23 March 2010

Its been a while since my last rant. Since then I have purchased a ps3 and went to the bahamas for an amazing cruise. A lot has happened in the world as you all well know. But what has awakened my senses? Not El Nino, not the PNP or the AFP, not the vice presidential debates, (which was entertaining by the way) not even Ruffa versus Kris but that's right folks, ang kanang suso ni Anne curtis.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT ANNE!

But how did I know about this? Because of her plea to the public to refrain from posting or looking at her wardrobe malfunction. All this has done was to draw more attention to the issue and one can't help but wonder by making something out of nothing, is this a calculated move to draw attention to the issue because of their upcoming movie? And you know, I wouldn't doubt it one bit if it is, since after all she is a movie star, which is synonymous to self promotion.

Can you really stop people from looking at a young hot woman's breast? Kahit kanan lang yun, it is I must admit a sight to behold. What warm blooded hetero male wouldn't want to see that?

But what did this really do? Do I respect her less now? Unless your a pimple faced nose picking 14 year old adolescent who gets off at anything that shows skin, I highly doubt that this kind of exposure gets anyone who gets laid regularly titillated. I mean its nice to see, but no its not like I would just grab her tits when I get the chance to see her in person. Even if I want to.

Of course if our country wasn't made up of sexually inept turds, this wouldn't be an issue to begin with. But since we are, it is the talk of the town, which is sad. Janet Jackson did it in front of millions around the world and she did not issue any statements condemning people passing the snapshot of her boob did she? Vanessa Hudgens in all her naked glory, Paris Hilton even.

And look folks, Anne is not Sarah Geronimo. This plea is totally contradictory to the image she is trying to project to the public. As I have said, what she and her handlers should have done was to just nonchalantly ignored it, just like what Maricar Reyes did. And look at how her career has blossomed after that Hayden Kho episode?

HANGALAN 2010: Sino ang magiging kulelat?

2010-02-10T02:25:00.000-08:00

Lets face it folks, whoever your candidate for the presidency is, its basically a three cornered fight between Noynoy Aquino, Manny Villar and yes Erap Estrada. If surveys are to be believed, its those three followed by Gibo Teodoro, Eddie Villanueva and Dick Gordon.

Then there are the bottom three: Jamby Madrigal, Nicanor Perlas, and JC Delos Reyes. And with that said, here lies the question: Sino ang magiging kulelat sa kanilang tatlo?

WHO WILL BRING UP THE REAR?

How Jamby managed some million votes to win as a Senator is really still beyond me, although if Lito Lapid managed to win, maybe I should not underestimate for a lack of a better word, the "taste" of our electorate. But I am willing to bet that Jamby wouldnt muster more than a million votes this time. Or can she?

Perlas and Delos Reyes have been appearing in all presidential debates on tv, radio, internet, baranggay hall, health center and beauty parlor, maximimizing their exposure before all their 15 minutes of fame is up. These two no matter how their "message" sounds good and all will be lucky if they can get 10,000 votes between them. Anything over would be a small miracle on its own.

So where are their votes going to come from? Let us not forget that Madrigal comes from the old rich elite who can use their money who can buy votes like the best of them. The two gentlemen on the other hand claim to be supported by organizations, whose memberships although I admit I do not know, probably number from 100-200 at best.

So who will be the Eddie Gil of this year's election? Speaking of Gil, at least he added some color to the elections when he ran, but I don't see any of these from Perlas or JC unless I consider JC's nervous ticks as entertaining. In fairness to Jamby she has provided some entertainment but nothing close to what Gil provided.

So Jamby, Nic, or JC? Who shall be it?

TUBIG!!!!!!

2010-02-01T10:47:00.000-08:00

1 February 2010

Got a little busy folks. Hopefully everyone has been pre occupied watching Marlene Aguilar's displays of lunacy the past weeks or so.

Anyway, according to this report Las Pinas again has curtailed the rights of people from BF Paranaque for WATER!

AGUIRRE CORNER EL GRANDE

There is really no rhyme or reason to this except for GREED. How long must the good people of BF PARANAQUE has to suffer. I have never remembered a time where there was an adequate supply of water in BF.....ever. Except when we had a deep well which stopped working when it just ran dry after 10 or so years.

Cmon LAS PINAS worry about Moonwalk or Verdant Acres and leave BF alone! WTH!

I wanna see what MANNY VILLAR has to say about this.....

Breaking news: Kris Aquino nag AMOK!

2010-01-15T01:04:00.000-08:00

15 January 2010

Kris Aquino in jealous rage, went to confront a certain Mayen Austria, a rumored girlfriend of James Yap according to a report in the Inquirer.net website.

DIDNT I TELL YOU TO DUMP JAMES?

If only Kris was as meticulous in choosing his men like her clothes, this would have never happened. Lets face it, this was a horribly matched couple from the start. A domineering, smart, popular, irritating, daughter of a former president and a cager from the boonies? Cmon now.

This was inevitable. It does not take a Madam Auring to know that this was bound to happen. Now the question is, is Kris brave enough or better yet, does Noynoy's image handlers think that Kris needs to get rid of Yap? We shall find out.

The report adds (if you were too lazy to click the link), Aquino went sugod to the house of the girl and made mura mura to the max the kabit of James. (Sorry, could'nt help it lol.) I mean what would push someone, much less like Kris who has an image to protect, to go to such lengths?

I'm not sure if there will be anymore information beyond what has been written, at least from Kris' side because I'm pretty sure they are in damage control mode as we speak but really Kris needs to get rid of James and start anew (yes for the umpteenth time.

There are a few things she could do right now.

She needs to find someone who is in the same intellectual level as her, not necessarily stature, because she has reached astronomical heights and it is impossible to find someone that can match her, at least in the Philippines.

She can just also use this to her advantage. Go out there and bash James in media, tell everyone what pushed her to do what she did. Use the abused wife card and surely, she'll get a lot of sympathy, and as we all know by now, sympathy=votes.

So Kris, do the right team and get rid of some dead weight. Go dump James and put him back to the Mcdonald's playpen you got him from.

Hangalan 2010: The Countdown (Series 3: Joseph Ejercito Estrada)

2010-01-14T23:27:00.000-08:00

Joseph Ejercito Estrada

Party Affiliation: PMP (Partido ng Masang Pilipino)
Current Position: Former President of the Philippines/Actor
DOB: April 19, 1937
Mapua Institute of Technology
Undergraduate
Odds of winning the Presidency: 1-50

Every Filipino knows about him, and naturally everyone can name a reason why NOT to vote for him, but despite that for some masochistic reason, Estrada still possesses that charisma to elicit enough to support to put a scare into the leading candidates for the presidency.

I get Erap. He plays the masa card to the hilt. Uses his thespian skills to charm his way into a crowd after all these years. Can you blame him for exploiting his strengths and hiding his weaknesses?

But I am just hard pressed to believe that those who voted for him when he won the Presidency in a landslide in 1998, would vote for him again after all that he has done in his two plus years in office.

Maybe if I was just a real a-hole and wanted to play a cruel joke on Filipinos I would go Erap, but even with my personality, I just can't do it.

Why can't we have Erap as royalty? Like a King perhaps? or a Sultan? a Datu? He would be perfect for the job. He gets his spending money, gets the prestige of being a King, and the illusion that he is still in government. More importantly, this would satisfy his huge masa following to see him as King.

Whats going for him: As everyone knows, still enjoys massive support from the masses. Charismatic, experienced in government, has huge name recall.

What would hurt him: The disqualification case filed against him, succeeds, effectively prohibiting him from taking office.

Would win if: Villar, Teodoro, Aquino, and Villar take votes from each other, and in fact would just cancel each other out.

Change your life

2010-01-14T01:33:00.000-08:00

This has totally changed my life. My closet looks waaaaay better. Life is good!

the japanese are amazing...(except for raping our women and pillaging our country of course)

What a trip

2010-01-05T20:58:00.000-08:00

5 January 2010

Just follow what it says folks.

So kung si Efren me pag asa kay Angel....me pag asa ako ke Anne Curtis?

2010-01-04T14:52:00.000-08:00

3 January 2010

Happy New Year folks. Hopefully all of us would have a great 0-10 ahead of us. By the way, there is a controversy brewing about what to call this year. The grammar police wants us to call it twenty ten while most people go with two thousand ten. Personally, I prefer 0-10, stress on the Oh and not uh.

Anyway on to more pressing issues like the rumored courtship (only Pinoy's do this I swear) of CNN Hero of the Year = Top internet Vote getter Efren Penaflorida of Angel Locsin.

BIGAT MO EFREN!

Watching Angel's interview on the BUZZ, I could not help but squirm when she kinda insinuated that Efren has more than a fighting chance to get her on his bed! I mean what the hell! Is that all it takes? Be a CNN Hero and you'll have a chance in snagging one of filmdom's hottest bodies? When is the next CNN poll? I wanna put my name in there and gather all my internet buddies and when I win it, go to ABS-CBN and take Anne Curtis!

WAIT FOR ME ANNE I'LL BE A HERO SOON!

Look at Kuya Ef, I mean look at him. Granted, Angel seems to be one who never says no to anyone, but this never happens in real life. I'm willing to bet that those days of pushing those kariton klasrums in the scorching heat of Cavite's afternoons has probably taken a toll on him. A few of those reality check brain cells has probably escaped him.

And wait a minute...showbiz ka na Kuya Ef?

Elibs den ako sa strategy ni Kuya Efren. Make his desire public to gain sympathy and put Angel in a precarious situation. Pag binasted nga naman sya ni Angel, negative ang magiging dating. Magiging matapobre si Angel etc. etc. A stroke of genius if you ask me!

Am I jealous? yes! not of his CNN recognition but the one in a million chance Kuya Efren has in shagging Angel Locsin. If this happens, watch out Anne Curtis because I'm coming for you. And that goes out to you too Maricar Reyes!

Remember this asshole?

2010-01-03T15:22:00.000-08:00

Acoording to this report on yahoo news, the Department of Justice has FINALLY ok'd the indictment of the asshole quasi fashion designer WHO WAS CAUGHT on camera ACTING LIKE AN A1-A-HOLE in his shopping spree in DUTY FREE Philippines last year.

What surprised me is that this a-hole is still alive!

It's Christmas...Where the Hell are my Godparents???

2009-12-22T23:34:00.000-08:00

Growing up, one of the christmas traditions I did not fully enjoy was recieving christmas presents from my godparents. I vaguely remember getting one present from each of my godparents that I know of, but that's about it.

Christmas in the province was worse. Since I did not have any godparents there, I would tag along my cousins and siblings when they go to their godparents and witness them get 20 pesos while I get a measly 5. The injustice!

And as I wrap presents for my godchildren I ask: "Where are my godparents?"

I know of three, as I think back in the day, godparents were limited into a manageable number unlike now where it is not uncommon for a child to have 10 or more, which at first glance is INSANE, but not after you realize that 80 percent of them vanishes within the first five years of the child's life, just like what has happened to me and my childrens' godparents.

Anyway, my godparents are: Rey De Vera, Dra. Nela Lee Millar and Mary Jane Madamba.

From what I know, Mr. De Vera is the brother of the president of Alpha Records Corporation, Buddy De Vera, at least according to my mother. I kinda remember going to his office once and getting a Superman shirt one Christmas day, but beyond that, NADA.

On the other hand, I did meet Dra. Nela Lee Millar as an adult. I brought my son suffering from some sort of skin allergy. She did not charge us for anything although she barely remembered who the hell I was or who my parents were. I am actually surprised that she basically took what I said on face value and proceeded to see my kid without charging me a penny. You gotta think that she has probably lost count of how many godchildren she has as she is a pediatrician after all.

I came to know of Mary Jane Madamba as a kid when my aunt would always point out to me that the lady who is in the original Knorr Sabaw ng Sinigang commercials was indeed my ninang. After a while I just got annoyed by this fact as everyone in my household would make sure to point this out no matter what I was doing.

I googled all of them but could not find out anything about Rey De Vera. Buddy de Vera is out there as the owner of Alpha Records but no information is out there about Rey. There is a listing of Dra. Millar at the Medical Center Paranaque and I do know this is accurate, so it is nice to know that she is out there.

On the other hand, Mary Jane Madamba is interesting because it shows that beside the knowledge I have that she was a commercial model, she apparently is the Miss Teen International First Runner Up for 1966. I am not sure if this is the same person but as I type this my mother is already asleep and I could not get a confirmation from her.

I am not going to second guess my parents' choice of godparents were but you just gotta admit that they were not good choices. According to the church, godparents should serve as second parents to their godchildren. How are they going to do it when they barely know you. One example of this is when movie stars being asked to be godparents to kids of regular folks, such as Joey De Leon, yes that Joey De Leon who is supposedly my sister's godfather.

MR. DE LEON MAY UTANG KA DAW SA UTOL KO

So what is it that I want? Well if they are childless millionaires looking for a sole hair to their riches, I would gladly step up to the plate and oblige. But really, all I want is acknowledgement perhaps, just to validate my christian existence.

Let this be a little reminder to all of us godparents to try not to forget our godchildren. Also, to parents out there, only ask people to be your children's godparents if you are certain that these people would figure prominently in your child's life, and of course, yung magandang mag pa aguinaldo!

Merry Christmas Folks!

Here's one for you folks

2009-12-22T02:05:00.000-08:00

I guess everyone is going crazy with all their christmas shopping and whatnot but here's something that has helped me dealing with all the wrapping.....

New Darlings of Philippine Sports: Pinay Charlie's Angels

2009-12-10T23:05:00.000-08:00

11 December 2009

In a welcome break from Martial law and those mother fucking Ampatuans, 3 young, fresh, talented, athletic and most importantly, BLAZING HOTTTT women provided the country with some achievement we can smile about. Janice Lagman, Rani Ann Ortega and Camille Alarilla won gold medals in taekwondo in the ongoing 25th Southeast Asian Games in Vientianne, Laos.

THREE GOLDEN SMILES

In my book, these women are ones to be really proud about. They are the real life "CHARLIE'S ANGELS"! If you might have noticed by now, I just cant get over the fact that these women are just goddamn gorgeous!!! According to reports these three ladies just came from Egypt to win the championship in the same event a short time ago, and now they go to Laos and kicked some serious ass!

TOO HOT FOR TAEKWONDO

With the megawatt smile these three possesses I would not be a bit surprised if they start gracing magazine covers and television shows as soon as they get off the plane from Laos.

Now the most important part..who among these three I like the most? They are all hot but if I could have the luxury of picking just one, even if they came in threes, my favorite would be Rani!

So ladies thank you very much for carrying the country's pride out there and no thanks to the idiot non-sport people running the country's sports programs. I'm willing to bet that your parents were the one who gave you most of the support you needed to get to become world class athletes.

Soak it up, enjoy it and rest assured i'll be the first one to get a copy of whatever magazine you choose to have your pretty faces published. Love ya! (LMAO)

SUNDOT KULANGOT (quick shots on news around cyberspace)

2009-12-09T15:23:00.000-08:00

10 December 2009

Tigas talaga ng pagmumukha ni Pangulong Kutong lupa. Biruin mong nagkaka diskusyunan na sa kongreso dahil sa katarantaduhan nitong pag dedeklara ng martial law e, ni anino nito hindi sumulpot sa kongeso? Tang ina talaga oo.

***

Kung hindi nyo pa alam isa pang dating kapamilyang nananamlay ang career ang lumipat na sa syete, si Bayani Agbayani. sya daw ang ipantatapat ng gma sa papalakas na ng papalakas na showtime ni Vhong Navarro. Ang title daw e Bigay Todo (?)

***

Panis si Manny ke Tiger. Si Tiger 10 bebots na ang sumusulpot, si Manny ni isa ala pang umaamin.

***

Tindi ng Comelec, dalawa ng oposisyon governors ang inagawan ng pwesto. E bat si Gloria nde nyo matanggal tanggal?

***

Kagandahan ke Tiger, walang pinapalampas. Bata, matanda, brunette, blonde, me suso o wala, pangit man o maganda, walang sinasayang. Parang kumakain sa buffet, lahat tinitikman. Just how I like it!

***

Speaking of papalakas na Showtime, pati si Willie apektado na. Nagtampururot sa Wowowee dahil hindi daw inacknowledge ng ABS ang pagkapanalo nila sa Anak TV tapos nag segway sa pagsasabing hindi daw sila kaaway ng Showtime. Dude, ikaw tong nagbibigay kulay eh, sa pagsasalita mo kinumpirma mo na apekted ka. Sana hindi mo na lang pinansin.

***

Kala ko ba Martial Law? bat buhay pa ang mga Ampatuan? Talagang wala ng magaling na nagawa itong mga asa Malacanang. Kahit sa Martial Law bokya pa rin. At least sina Marcos, perfect ang implementation!

***

Oh nga pala nakita nyo ba yung anak ni Gretchen Barretto nung tumanggap ng trophy ang nanay nya bilang Best Actress whatever sa Star Awards? Whoa what a brat! She rolled her eyes and mouthed "OMG" when her mother referred to her father as "her lover." Hanapin nyo sa you tube kung meron. I mean if my kid pulled that kind of shit.......

***

Mabalik tayo sa Showtime, pinapanood ko talaga to. Although I do know na kopya lang din naman to sa Talentadong Pinoy na ginaya sa Britain's Got Talent na baka gayahin di ng Bigay Todo, which makes me come to the conclusion na: WAG NA TAYONG UMASA NG INNOVATIVE PINOY SHOW in the near future. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

***

I mean Anne Curtis has grown on me, I still don't think she's Megan Fox hot (who is anyway?) but she is pretty. Then Vice Ganda....what can I say, this person is hilarious. Even the two rock stars add something to the party.

***

Come to think of it, 3 of those I named that could replace Willie Revillame are now in the afternoon timeslot namely Vhong Navarro, Bayani Agbayani and Ryan Agoncillo. Akalain mo nga naman ano.....

***

Can someone answer why I'm still a die hard Golden State Warrior fan?

***

Does anyone remember Manolet Ripol (sp?)??? Wala lang....

***

Im not totally against movie stars in showbusiness BUT....if Lito Lapid still wins as a senator after he already said na hindi sya bagay sa Senado....THERE MUST BE SOMETHING REALLY GODDAMN WRONG WITH US PEOPLE.

***

So hindi nagpakamatay si Hayden KHO....who the fuck cares? Why is a respected lawyer like Lorna Kapunan represents this dude? oh yeah I forgot...Dr. Vicki's money.

(Sgd.) President of the Philippines

Why Manny won't do a Tiger

2009-12-03T15:47:00.000-08:00

3 December 2009

Unless you have been living under a rock or in a state of coma for the past week or so, you must have heard of the sportsworld's squeaky clean poster child Eldrick Woods embroiled in a extra marital brouhaha with not one, not two but three (so far) bimbos.

THEY BOTH JUST DID IT

Interestingly enough this comes on the heels of another sports supermega star, our very own Manny Pacquiao in a similar situation albeit with a much less hotter hoe than those of Tiger's conquests: Krista Ranillo.

HOW CAN YOU CHEAT ON THESE??

There are a lot of similarities about the two, both are at the top of their games in their respective sports, both with hot wives (although again Tiger gets the advantage here Elin > Jinkee) both Nike endorsers, etc. etc.

But this is where the similarity ends. Tiger, although half assed went out and released a statement admitting what he termed "transgressions" and apologized to his family while Pacman goes out and denies the whole thing, calls it a publicity stunt and then apologizes to Krista Ranillo! LMFAO.

TEAM PACQUIAO

So now you ask: Why can't Manny do a Tiger? Admit that he was romping with Matt Ranillo's unica hija, apologize to his wife then go on and beat Floyd Mayweather to a pulp?

TEAM TIGER

Why? Because Manny is a Filipino guy, and a Filipino icon. Hard to admit but as a filipino guy, this is what our culture has taught us, it is innate, second nature. We might admit to killing someone, robbing even (although GMA might have something to say about that) but never ever admit to infidelity.

Magkamatayan man, wag na wag aamin. Kahit nakita ka ng nakipaghalikan (ehem!) kahit nakita na ang webpage mong punong puno ng pakikipaglampungan mo sa kalaguyo mo, (ehem again!) no way. Sad but true.

Has anyone encountered any Pinoy who admitted to their wife that they are seeing someone else? No effing way. To their drinking buddies yes, but never to their wives. That is just how it is.

Cant blame the people's champ here. I mean his dad probably has never admitted to Nanay Dionisia all his "transgressions" up to now. Daddy Pacman is still to tis day probably is saying that he has never comitted any indiscretions ever. And this is what Manny has learned to be the norm.

How many times have we heard the lame excuse "magkaibigan lang kami", or "walang masamang nangyari sa amin" or the reversal "madumi lang kasi ang isip mo"? This is what we've heard. We are taught tht nothing good comes out of admitting stuff like this. Better lie to your grave than to man up and admitting it.

Manny should think twice about this. Woods is expected to survive this, unless of course more and more women would come out in the open which would make this issue longer than its prescribed expiration date, but this will pass. The American public would forget about this. Tiger had his fun, said his apology so now everyone is going to move on.

Manny? Oh no. This is going to linger on. This will not go away. Especially now that Manny is running for congress. This Krista issue will be visited, revisited and visited again, unless Manny owns up to this.

Unlike the american sports fan, the Philippines is a whole different ball game. We want our idols to be role models, morally upright, someone who can do no wrong. Saintly, I must say. That is the dilemma facing a Filipino icon.

We revere our idols just like how we revere the saints of our Roman Catholic faith, and that my friends is the problem.

I don't think Manny would risk tarnishing his venerable (in his mind at least) image in the eyes of 90 million Filipinos. He is probably thinking that the masa would never forgive him for something like this. He might be under estimating the compassion of the masa towards him but can you blame him?

So don't expect Manny to come out with a statement written up by some lawyer just like Tiger did. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. Manny will never own up to anything. Not to the guy who ponied up 59.99 for his latest pay-per-view fight, not to anyone, not even to his wife. And why should he? He can't.

Happy Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T02:57:00.000-08:00

26 November 2009

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. It's festive like Christmas but without the added pressure of gift-giving. Its about food and family, what a holiday should be about. Even if it kinda commemorates the white man's slaughter of Native Americans, it has evolved nicely. I do have one problem about Thanksgiving though.....

TURKEY.

I do not eat turkey. I mean I have had it in several occassions but I do not enjoy it. I reall can't pinpoint what I exactly do not like about it. It could be it's massive size, it's bland taste or perhaps a combination of the two. I do not seek it, I do not crave for it. I guess if I had the choice between turkey or goat I would do turkey but I just don't like it at all.

Turkey is on my list of food items I can live without. Others are:

Goat - The smell bothers me.
Brownies - Lola said there's marijuana on them. Stuck with me to this day.
Milk - Cant drink a glass, or a cup straight up. Can tolerate it in halo halos though.
Cake - The icing makes me nauseaus.
Balut - Never had one ever. never will. Unless I'm a contestant on The Amazing Race.
Adidas - Just the thought of those feet stepping on their own poop makes it so unappetizing.
Papaitan - Poop. Plain and simple.

What's good though is the wifey do not like turkey as well so there's no conflict there. Although my kids are weirded out of a household without turkey on the dinner table on Thanksgiving day. Another reminder for them on how "filipinoey" my household is.

So instead of turkey, in comes lechon manok. A nice size chicken cooked in my old reliable turbo broiler. With some kare kare, crispy pata, dinuguan, pansit, veggies, and kakanin my Thanksgiving dinner is set.

You know what else besides the food and family I look forward to during Thanksgiving? BLACK FRIDAY BABY!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!

Claudine Barretto moves to GMA 7

2009-11-25T02:01:00.000-08:00

25 November 2009

(Note: report now official via www.pep.ph)

According to unconfirmed reports, lifelong Kapamilya star Claudine Barretto has signed a two year exclusive contract to join GMA 7. Details are still skechy but expect reports to come out about this in a few hours.

WILL THIS GET YOUR CAREER BACK ON TRACK?

Claudine was last seen in the teleserye Iisa Pa Lamang with Gabby Concepcion LAST YEAR! This is not how you treat your supposed "princess". So obviously Claudine has felt neglected by her home studio. In fact I don't think I have'nt seen her in anything even on TV interviews or the like. I actually thought she was pregnant again or sick.

The move was probably expected by some quarters, evidenced by her earlier signing of a movie contract by Viva Films but still, this is a shock to many as Claudine is identified with ABS-CBN since she started with them when she was a kid. In addition, husband Raymart Santiago is a GMA contract star and GMA bigwigs are the couple's principal sponsors. Also, a reported rift with Angel Locsin also comes to mind although this probably did not factor in her decision to switch channels. She is also noticeably absent in the latest Christmas station ID of ABS CBN.

She probably felt that she is being cast aside in favor of younger Kapamilya stars like Kim Chiu, KC Concepcion and the like and rightfully so. I mean they can give someone like Erich Gonzales a teleserye but not Claudine? That is a huge insult if I ever seen one. She needs to look after her own welfare.

A good move for Claudine IMHO. There are no established queens/stars in GMA 7, except for maybe Marian Rivera and Regine Velasquez. In GMA she does not have to share the limelight unlike in ABS CBN where no matter what she does she will just be a notch below Sharon Cuneta, Kris Aquino, Lorna Tolentino and even Judy Ann Santos.

Impact wise, I dunno if this really affects ABS CBN that much since Claudine has not had a show in a year but if GMA finds a nice vehicle for Claudine, like a prime time teleserye, Kapamilya bigwigs might be scratching their heads for letting her go.

Why I'm wasting brain cells about this topic is beyond me. The only explanation I can muster is I'm starting a 7 day weekend due to the Thanksgiving holiday.

No translation necessary

2009-11-25T00:28:00.000-08:00

25 November 2009

Here's something I stumbled upon Youtube typing the words Magic and Bra. Why I did that is purely up to me. Walang pangelamanan!

SHE CAN DEFINITELY USE THIS

Sadly it is in Japanese? But with this video there is absolutely no translation necessary. Just sit back and enjoy.

Love how it's named "God's hands". Now the question is where do we buy this revolutionary enhancer?

Manny in the fight of his life

2009-11-19T19:54:00.000-08:00

19 November 2009
Malacanan Palace

Morales creamed. Hatton bitch slapped. Dela Hoya embarassed. Cotto pwned. None of these bums stood a chance against Manny, all of them bowing down to the undisputed king of boxing.

But now Manny is facing the toughest fight of his life, and no it is not inside the boxing ring.

As we all know by now, the Pacman is embroiled into the kind of fight none of us would imagine ourselves to be in. The fight for marital peace.

In one corner stands Jinkee Pacquiao, the wife who stood by Manny when Manny was, well to put in frankly, isang dugyot na taga Gensan.

And in one corner stands Krista Ranillo, a fresh, young, exciting, Atenean bred bimbo who has rocked Manny's world, one who makes him giggle like a school boy.

And in the middle of it all, of course is our hero. The pound for pound king. And as always, it is our there for all of us to see.

SOMETIMES WHEN WE TOUCH...THE HONESTY'S TOO MUCH

Honestly, this whole thing does not bother me. Yes there are kids involved, a marriage that is in shambles, and yes it could get nasty and ugly. But.....

Unlike many of you, for me MANNY PACQUIAO IS NOT A ROLE MODEL. He should'nt be. It is unfair. Not Manny, Not Kobe Bryant, or Charles Barkley or Muhammad Ali, Not Stephen Jackson, Ron Artest, not even Tim Lincecum.

Isn't it sad that the source of all our national pride is someone who brawls for a living? There is something inherently wrong when we ask our kids to look up to someone who we don't even know outside the four corners of our television screen.

That my friends is the problem. There is where the outrage is coming from, from people who are holier than thou, those who try to convince themselves and anyone within an earshot that they have never done anything wrong or immoral in their entire lives.

We are the ones that are at fault here, because we have subjected ourselves to revere someone, to elevate someone who is in fact a mere mortal to the highest of highs. We have seen this before, countless times. Someone on TV who has given us great joy disappointing us BECAUSE THAT PERSON DECIDED TO BE WHAT HE IS, HUMAN.

Manny Pacquiao should be, nothing more than an entertainer. Just like Kobe Bryant, who was accused of rape. Just like Michael Jordan, who is also not devoid of questions of marital infedelity, Just like Tim Lincecum, the 20 something baseball phenom caught with marijuana.

What bothers me about this whole brouhaha though is the role of Matt Ranillo III in all of this. I mean this is quite simply PROSTITUTION.

What kind of sick, money grubbing pimp would encourage his child to do this? I guess one like Matt huh?

As days pass, this too my friends will. Who knows how this would end. Will Krista and Manny do a Dolphy and Zsa zsa? Would Jinnkee withstand all the flurry and be the last woman standing. We don't know yet but surely I'll be there watching, because this after all is entertainment. And Manny? whatever the hell he wants to do in his life outside the boxing ring is his buisness. Inside the ring? he better beat everyone else to a pulp. For my own ENTERTAINMENT. Nothing more, nothing less. Try it, you won't be disappointed.

Manny Pacquiao - Pac man, Jinkee - Pac wife, Mommy Dionesia - Pac mom, Krista Ranillo - Pac kangkang

Should Manny lose against Cotto?

2009-11-13T11:25:00.000-08:00

13 November 2009

Let me get a few things out of the way. I have followed Manny's boxing career since he was a 100 something pound boxer with a hideous orange/rusty/brassy highlights. I suspect he won some of his bouts early in his career because of that. I am not a betting man. I do gamble (slot machines exclusively) because I want my winnings or losings to be predicated by pure chance and not by someone or something that might influence a result.

With those said, let me lay out this question that no Filipino would ever think about: Should Manny Pacquiao lose against Miguel Cotto?

BUKAS NA!!

No I don't want him to lose.

But with that 0.0001 chance that he does, would its pros outweigh the cons?

I fucking loathe bandwagon fans. This explains my lifelong allegiance to one of the worst run franchises in NBA history, the Golden State Warriors. Even if its easy for me to switch to the Cavs, Spurs, Celtics or even worse the Lakers, I will not abandon my Warriors. Even if this team has only given me one winning year out of the last 15, I am, and will be here. That's why now that were 3 years removed from that we believe team that beat Dallas and the Warriors are back to sucking, I have seen bodies of bandwagon fans lay on the wayside, scurrying back to whatever team is favored to win the championship. Maybe if the Pacman loses, some of these bandwagon fans would get off the bus and would start pounding their chests and go I told you so, then declaring they are the best boxing analyst since Larry Merchant. Maybe if Manny fails, they'll go to Donaire instead.

So let's see... jueteng, a numbers game is illegal while betting on Pacquiao bouts are encouraged? Which is which really? We are a predominantly catholic country and as a good catholic know gambling or betting is prohibited in our religion, so why then are people turning a blind eye on this? Gambling is bad, and what makes it worse are people who barely have enough money to feed their families are usually the ones who are in the forefront of all betting activities. If Manny loses, this would be a wake up call for gamblers to stop what they are doing and go back to work.

ALING DIONISIA. I like her too, but not that much where I see her on my plasma screen every freaking second of the day of my TV time. Yeah yeah I can change the channel but cmon now can you really stand watching her every freaking second of your TV time? Manny loses, Aling Dionisia goes back to Gensan. And life as we know it returns.

I wanna see Manny box two more years. If he wins this, its inevitable he'll face Mayweather, and then who's next? You hear those crickets right now? That's right folks NOFUCKINGBODY. There's no one else out there. Remember Erik Morales folks? Manny losing to him gave us fight fans two more blockbusters. A Pacman loss guarantees a rematch with Cotto and possibly a third installment that could happen in a span of a year, plus a Mayweather blockbuster which would bring us to around 2011. A good two years, and if he also fights Mosley, that gives us about three more years and with Manny hitting 33 years of age, a perfect time to retire, before his brains get turned into puree.

Its November 13, two weeks before the filing of candidacy for the upcoming elections. Lets just say Manny wins, and he wins by a dramatic and impressive fashion. He might just be able to do what we Filipinos who truly love Manny would hate him to do, WIN IN AN ELECTION. If Lito Lapid was able to get a senate seat, who are we to judge Manny's capabilities. I used to be totally opposed to Manny being in congress or in government, but seeing all these clowns try to run our country, I'd say why the heck not Manny? But not now buddy. Wait a little bit. Retire, conquer the world, and then run for office.

See folks a Manny Pacquiao loss aint too bad. I mean win or lose, Manny still gets upwards to 20 million dollars so there's no pressure really. So just in case God decides to favor Cotto this time (as he too believes and prays to the same God Manny believes in) don't be too upset. This might just be a better option for all of us. Good luck Pacman. Win it for all of us Filipinos, but if you don't I ain't mad at ya.

Pilipinas....GAME K N B??? Manzano runs for Vice President

2009-11-13T02:01:00.000-08:00

Malacanan Palace
12 Nov 2009

After being rejected by Bong Revilla, Migz Zubiri, Loren Legarda and Vilma Santos, Gilbert Teodoro and his cohorts at LAKAS-Kampi has I guess settled for the next best thing after Gov. Vilma, her ex husband Edu Manzano to be his running mate this coming elections.

EDU, HINDI KAMI GAME!

Look I like Edu, Actually I must say Game KNB for the longest time has been my favorite show on TFC, before they had to change the damn format with that ridiculous concept of sugod while on a moving platform. Its stupid, dumb.

Just like the choice of Edu as VP.

Although we should'nt worry anyway because there is no way in this god's green earth Mr. Manzano is going to win the post, or Teodoro for that matter.

But for this momentous occasion, let me leave you with some trivia questions Game KNB style:

SINO ANG TUNAY NA MANANALO SA PAGTAKBO NI EDU?
A. TAONG BAYAN
B. LUIS MANZANO
C. PINKY WEBB
D. ABS-CBN

ANO ANG AASAHAN NATING GAGAWIN NI EDU SA TUWING SYA AY AAKYAT SA STAGE PARA MANGAMPANYA?

A. SASAYAW NG PAPAYA
B. KAKAIN NG PAPAYA
C. MANGHAHAWAK NG PAPAYA
D. ALL OF THE ABOVE

ANO SA PALAGAY NYO ANG REAKSYON NI GOV. VI NANG NALAMAN NITO ANG DESISYON NG DATING ASAWA?

A. ABA INUNAHAN PA AKO?
B. NAGTATAKA PA BA KAYO KUNG BAKIT KO TO HINIWALAYAN?
C. SANA SI BOBOT MORTIZ TUMAKBO DIN PARA KUMPLETO
D. RALPH ANG LABADA!!!!

ANO NAMAN ANG SABI NI PINKY WEBB NG NALAMAN ANG DESISYON NI DOODS?

A. GUSTO KO DIN NG KASAL ALA MAR-KORINA HA!
B. MAS SARIWA AKO KAY KORINA! EDU FOR VP! PINKY FOR SECOND LADY!
C. SI JALOSJOS AT TEEHANKEE NGA NA PAROLE, SIGURO PAG NANALO SI DOODS, UTOL KO RIN MA PAPAROLE.
D. UMAGANG KAY GANDA GANDA!

AT ANG SABI NI BINAY?

A. TALAGANG HINDI AKO TITIGILAN NG GAGONG TO A
B. MAYOR NGA NG MAKATI OLATS, VP PA?
C. SHET KA SA EARTH, TAE KA SA MOON!
D. ALL OF THE ABOVE

EH ANG SABI NG MGA LOPEZ?

HMMM, TINGNAN NATIN. HAWAK NA NATIN ANG NOYNOY-MAR. PAG VILLAR-LEGARDA, HULI NA DEN NATIN DAHIL KAY LOREN, TAPOS ETONG GIBO-EDU ATIN NA DIN. ERAP-BINAY? ATIN NA DEN YAN ME MOVIE KAYA SI ERAP SA ATIN.

TULOY TULOY ANG LIGAYA BABY!!!!

(Sgd.) President of the Philippines

1029

2009-10-29T10:40:00.000-07:00

Malacanan Palace
29 October 2009

Did you know that today is the internet's birthday? Can you imagine how the world would be without it? Along with the washing machine, the internet is one of the biggest innovations in the last 100 or so years.

Aside from the internet, these are few other people and events that happened on this day, October 29.

John Adams - President of the United States

MY DUDE

General Antonio Luna - Hero, Pharmacist. He wrote a piece titled Impressions which dealt with Spanish customs and idiosyncrasies under the pen-name "Taga-ilog". He fought duels with Spanish writers who wrote insultingly of Filipinos. He was rumored to be a ladies’ man. In Europe, Luna and Jose Rizal once quarreled over their interest in the same girl, a French mestiza. Got f'd over by know-nothing coward Aguinaldo.

Winona Ryder - Actress/Kleptomaniac

Amanda Beard - Olympic swimmer/ FHM centerfold

1998 – Hurricane Mitch, the second deadliest Atlantic hurricane in history, makes landfall in Honduras.

1998 – Gothenburg nightclub fire in Sweden (ala Ozone disco) claims 63 lives and injures 200.

2005 - Delhi bombings kill more than 60.

oh and yeah I was born this day too.... Thanks to friends and family for putting up with me.

(Sgd.) President of the Philippines

The New Immigrant Checklist

2009-10-20T23:40:00.000-07:00

October 20, 2009
Malacanan Palace

You've waited your whole life for this. You blame God for bringing you in this world too early. You've watched them all leave, cousins, aunt, uncles, your siblings, parents, your friends, people you know, even that kid who used to pay you to make them their English paper back in High School. All gone. Except you. Then, after you've put that petition in the back of your head, after refusing countless marriage proposals because of your petition....ITS HERE. YOU ARE COMING TO AMERICA.

WELCOME TO AMERICA SUCKER. HOPEFULLY ALL YOUR GIMIK DAYS ARE OVER.

Finally Uncle Sam has allowed you to join the rest of us in America to share in our misery....yey!

You've waited, paid an exorbitant amount. Passed the interview, got a plane ticket. THAT'S THE EASY PART. The hard part? What to do in the first few days of your new life in the US of A. How to live? What to bring? For those and more....

Here's a checklist. Print it. Love it. Live it.

- Do I need to tell you again? ABSOFREAKINGLUTELY no Balikbayan boxes. Why? read here

- I know you wanna be nice and all but really, no canned food as pasalubongs. No Century tuna caldereta, adobo, menudo, lechon paksiw or whatever flavor it comes in nowadays. If you guys don't know yet, everything you guys have in the Philippines, we can get here in the States. Not as cheap yes, but we have it. Now if you are going to be able to smuggle something like lanzones, or atis, or siniguelas...I'LL TAKE IT. Otherwise, it's ok. Save your money.

- If you're a smoker, quit. But if you can't, bring cigarettes. Bring as much cigarettes as you can to last you until you get your first paycheck. It's 6.50 a pack here in California, where your 80 dollars of pocket money can only buy you approximately 12 packs or so. That will only last you for like what a month? There's nothing more depressing than you in the cold, in a strange place, with no job, homesick, and you can't even buy a damn cigarette. Now that's sad.

$6.50 SA INYONG MGA SUKING TINDAHAN

- Control yourself. So you're in the party to celebrate your arrival in to the United States. Then you mingle, and unfortunately you come across Mang Berting, the know-it-all-ispokening-inglis-been in the States for 30 years and he starts talking about what you need to do to survive in the USA. Then after 3 seconds of listening to him you realize that he's a fucking idiot. You say to yourself, how in god's green earth did this guy get here? How did he pass the immigration interview. There's a lot of his kind around here, don't be shocked. Now do you tell him to shut his trap and you're better than him? No. Everyone knows he's a jerk. Keep it to yourself and don't try to engage. YOU WILL NOT WIN. Smile and be polite, oh and always say thank you. Americans have an obsession in saying thank you. Thank you for jerking me over...thank you for being an asshole, thank you for making me realize how much of a sorry ass life I've been living in the Philippines. No matter how much its killing you inside, try to stay in his good graces because he might slip you a 50 dollar bill or so and.....

- Network. You know Mang Berting? That dude is going to help you get your new job. That's the most important thing this a1 a-hole can give you. Since he's been here the longest, he knows people, and as we all know everyone needs friends in high places to get to anywhere you want to go. The more people you know, the more chances you get to contribute to your Social Security the fastest.

- Pack light. Remember I said no canned stuff right? For a number of reasons. It saves you from pulling a muscle or breaking a bone, and it gives you much needed space on your suitcase, and it avoids cluttering the house of your relative who you are going to stay with, who I bet lives in clutter already. You will soon discover how easy it is to accumulate junk in america. Why do you think you got two electric vegetable choppers in the LBC cargo? Bring the essentials: toiletries, underwear (and lots of it), oh and of course clothes.

- Clothes that you can wear for a job interview and not the purple parka from ukay ukay. There's a reason why you got it from ukay ukay. We don't want it back in our shores. And unless your going to ALASKA, or the EAST COAST in the middle of winter, please, I'm begging you..no leather JACKETS. On second thought, even IF you're going to ALASKA or the EAST COAST no LEATHER JACKETS. Leather jackets are totally unacceptable in any aircraft. FAA rules. Unless of course you are headed to SAUDI Arabia........which in that case, a mandatory gold chain is a must to be worn.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

- Learn how to drive. For this reason alone, you do not want to use public transportation in the United States. Besides buses are not readily available, and there are no tricycles, pedicabs, padyaks or the like to take your lazy fat ass a few blocks like you were used to back in the Philippines. But more importantly, after all the hullaballoo and excitement of your arrival in America has died down, no one in their right mind will be willing to drive you to your 4th trip to Salvation Army on a perfect Sunday afternoon.

THE DMV TEST. HOPEFULLY YOU'LL PASS IT ON THE 4TH TRY.

- Establish credit ASAP. The only ones who do not have debt are infants, or drug dealers unless you count their debt from the dope growers or manufacturers. For better and for worse, America is being run by credit. Your whole existence depends on how much credit you have or can get. So your first paycheck, forget about that cologne someone in the Philippines wants you to get them. Get a secured credit card and maybe with that you can get that cologne, or sunglasses or whatever the heck you promised someone back in the islands.

- Just because you worked at a call center does not give you the power to flaunt your "American accent" around these parts. Especially kung tinatagalog ka na. Kung sa Pilipinas eh elib na elib sila sayo, pagdating dito , maiirita sayo. Believe me, nothing more gets to people's nerves than listening to someone who is trying so hard to get the American accent down. Because you know what, you might be able to fool someone for a few seconds, but lalabas at lalabas den yan. As long as your grammar is ok, (you dont even have to be scholarly) you'll be fine.

- GET A J-O-B. Eventually. You just got to. I don't even have to put this on the list this really.

(Sgd.) President of the Philippines.

Fight on San Francisco Muni Bus

2009-10-07T22:35:00.000-07:00

Thuis happened today, on a 30 stockton Muni bus in San Francisco plying the Chinatown route. I don't condone violence (usually) but this is something you got to see....

The racial undertone of this video is an eye opener.

My Eight Day Philippine Adventure

2009-10-06T17:23:00.001-07:00

Last June I went on an eight day action packed vacation back to the Philippines. I have written about it on this blog months ago as you all know but now here's the video to prove it. ENJOY!

PART 1 SFO-MANILA

PART 2 BORACAY

STAY TUNED FOR PART 3!!

(Sgd.) President of the Philippines

A Star

2009-09-25T10:05:00.000-07:00

25 September 2009
Malacanan Palace

Here's a video of my BFF, Jet Aquino, one of the nicest and most talented people I know. Hopefully you get the same enjoyment I do when I watch him.

And to my BFF....stay happy. (Painom ka naman!)

Follow his channel on Youtube, facebook, friendster, and you can also follow him home in Daly City.

Spoiler Alert: Tayong Dalawa Grand Finale Revealed

2009-09-24T22:25:00.000-07:00

24 September 2009
Malacanan Palace

The most anticipated teleserye ending in recent years has come. Tonight, Friday is the last telecast of the epic, non ending drama Tayong Dalawa. The show has consistently rated pretty well for ABS CBN, even topping the ratings game in the coveted Mega Manila in a few occassions.

The premise is pretty simple, the classic teleserye formula followed by all of its predecessors: love triangle, family conflict, betrayal, murder, deceit, violence, etc. You know stuff the ordinary pinoy can relate to. Thats why it is no secret that this show has commanded a strong following in the Philippines and most specially the bored TFC subscribers all over the world.

So it should not be a surprise to anyone that tonight being its final episode, everyone is wondering what is going to happen to the story. How is this epic going to end.

Leave it up to me to find out.

So Audrey dies, big freaking deal. You did'nt see that happening? How can a stick figure of a woman like a Kim Chiu can bear a child? She barely weighs 55 pounds. That alone should've been a give away to all of you. The child ate all of Audrey's insides, all her nutrients, which caused her death, plain and simple. So in that sense, the writers are only following what science would tell us if it did happen in real life. Kudos to the writers for researching and actually following what would scientifically happen if a person like Kim Chiu ever gets pregnant.

So now that Audrey is out of the picture it makes it easy for the writers to focus on the remaining characters in the story since as I have pointed out in previous entries, and as all of you who watches it regularly already know they have all died. And for those who has lost count let me recap the casualties of this program.

MYLENE DIZON - DEAD
DAVID GARCIA SR. - DEAD
JIRO MANIO - DEAD
HELEN GAMBOA - DEAD
ALESSANDRA DE ROSSI - DEAD
GINA PARENO - DEAD
KIM CHIU - DEAD

Now I'm not sure what happened to Robert Arevalo's character but he probably is already dead. Same as that girl who plays Kim Chiu's best friend, the girl who I'm not sure if she has a lisp, or mali-mali, or both. I mean if she is still alive, I will make sure she joins Audrey.

So you guys see a pattern here? The writers obviously enjoy death. I have never seen a show with that many deaths in a single program. I do understand why though, and it boils down to onw thing: ECONOMICS. It is cheaper to kill a character, and you can use the same props over and over again. Same coffin, same lights, crucifix, rosary, the whole nine yards.

Having said that, this is what is going to happen. They will stay true to the show's title: TAYONG DALAWA. And since Audrey is dead, naturally Gerald has absolutely no one to say the words tayong dalawa to. So what happens? And from a leakage direct from one of the assistant to the assistant writers of the show, here is the tragic end to the story.

JR dies....

A violent death.....

same as Marlene, Ramon, Tita, Lola Lily and Ula.

On their way to the warehouse, Tita, Lola Lily and Ula dies as their vehicle, driven by Lola Lily swerves and careens off a cliff, killing all three of them. Then in the last confrontation scene with JR, Ramon, Dave and Marlene, after they all deliver their melodramatic dialogues, Marlene played by Cherrie Pie Picache accidentally sits on a bomb as she tries to move her fat ass away from the bullets fired by all of her sons. As the bomb explodes, the camera shows dismembered body parts of Ramon, JR and Marlene.

And from the smoke Dave rises.

PAKAMOT MO KAY INGRID, DAVE

As he struggles to collect all the scattered body parts of all his family members, and as he tries to come to terms with his emotions, from the left side we hear some clicking of heels....

Enter Ingrid...

Lady in red, with eyes enough to make you sweat, topless.....

MAMA......

The theme of Tayong Dalawa by Gary Valenciano blaring in the background Dave looks at Ingrid and says......

"Mama.....anong ginagawa mo dito? Patay na silang lahat....Nag iisa na ako...."

And to which Ingrid says:

"Hindi Dave, andito pa ako, angkinin mo ako.....TAYONG DALAWA"

Then as any warm blooded mammal would do, Dave who first practiced incest when he put the moves on his brother's GF Audrey, proceeded to satisfy his incestuous urges towards Ingrid, his adoptive mom. And as the camera pans up and down Ingrid's naked body.....the show ends.

Then credits roll, then bloopers. The end.

So there you have it folks, the ending to Tayong Dalawa. After wasting 9 months of your life, hopefully this ending would be one to satisfy everyones curiosity.

(Sgd.) President of the Philippines

Goodbye old friend

2009-09-24T02:00:00.000-07:00

Malacanan Palace
23 September 2009

Today someone special said farewell to me. After 11 years of service, my trusted, hardworking 52 inch Projection TV has finally said goodbye. It has been sick for a while, it needs a nice gentle yank of the video cable for it to work, but tonight, it finally stopped what it was meant to do, provide mindless entertainment for the nourishment of my soul.

GOODBYE OLD FRIEND. YOU WILL BE MISSED.

For now it sits in the same corner of my room where it has been perched for the past year, watching me as I watch him, and continues on even if I had enough of him for the night. He never wavered even if I cuss the shit out of him when my beloved Warriors are getting pummeled by an opposing team for the umpteenth time. He's just there, calm and collected when the kids around the house use him as a hiding place for their games. He never complained, nary a word.

You were never hurt nor bitter when you moved from being the centerpiece of the house to my bedroom, all you can thing about is how now you can get closer to me, putting me to bed. And for that my heart bleeds.

Who do I turn to when I am lazy to get my ass to the living room to watch TV? Yes the TV in the living room is HD, but do people even fathom how hard it is to walk to the living room at 3 in the morning? You do know Mr. 52, you know.

Your 52 inches of enormousness gave me a new dimension in watching TV programs most specially pornography. You made pornography more than just titillating but mind boggling. 52 inches of bodies banging in full color really blows the mind, and for that I thank you.

I will miss having him around, as he witnessed a lot of triumphs and failures in my life the past eleven years. Although I have 3 other television sets lying around the house, he definitely is my favorite. He was more than just an inanimate object, he was a friend.

I might have declared your death premature since there is still sound coming out of you but I have decided to let go, not to prolong your suffering. There are no doctors that can see you, unfortunately in this country there is no Mang Berting na mangagawa ng TV to come to our house and see you like how it is in the Philippines.

As I grieve your loss, one thing comes to mind: How do I give you a decent funeral? or rather how do I haul your 1000 pound ass off three flights of stairs to our complex' dumpster? Again my old friend, thanks and may the gods in electronic heaven welcome you in their kingdom.

(Sgd.) President of the Philippines

Top 10 Hottest Pinays in Politics

2009-09-14T12:15:00.000-07:00

Malacanan Palace
14 Sept 2009

You have seen the title, and now you want the evidence. These are the women who always leaves something to the imagination. You wont see them in skimpy bikinis anytime soon, you may not hear them having any breast augmentation surgery or anything like that but they are undoubtedly, undeniably hot.

And to prove my point........

power+breast augmentation+swimwear

Lol. Sorry about that. The woman above will not be in any hot list not unless you are really sick and perverted beyond belief. Again my apologies just couldnt resist it. Lol. Well here is the list of powerful and hot women in Philippine politics.

Everyone on the list is currently holding an elective office or running for one. I have excluded movie stars turned politicians like Vilma Santos and Aiko Melendez. So here goes.... Now drool!

10. Lea Dizon

Who? Well this broad is about to be Lito Lapid's leading lady in the local elections of Pampanga in 2010. This is how she was described online when she was announced as a candidate for vice governor:

It was a surprise announcement that his “leading lady,” as he called her, is the comely 5'8” Ms. Lea Dizon, heiress and only daughter of the late Don Tomas Dizon and his widow, Luding Singian vda. De Dizon of Porac town.
Attractive with high cheek bone and slanted eyes, she has the looks of a Mandarin’s daughter, a unique Chinese persona with thin and stern lips that picture discipline and leadership.

Say what you want about Lapid, but picking the hot leading ladies is one skill that has not escaped him.

9. Abby Binay

With big bright eyes and a rockin body (and look at them twins!) this solon from Makati is a cross between two of the classic sexpots of the 70s and 80s, Elizabeth Oropesa and Maria Isabel Lopez.

8. Risa Hontiveros

What is the biggest contribution of the party list system to our country? Representing marginalized sectors of society? Maybe. But for me its Risa Hontiveros. She is fiesty, a bitch almost, and goddamn it i like it! Nothing else says hot than a woman who can eat you alive.

7. Marides Fernando

BF's GF, (yes wife) is as cute as a button. Then look at this picture. Look at this closely...SUSO...SALAT...DIBDIB. Yeah I know its a breast cancer awareness ad but again... a cute woman + suso + salat + dibdib = lotion and lock the door.

6. Darlene Custodio

Currently starring in the teleserye Tayong Dalawa as Greta... Ohwait no? Oh yeah that's right, this US born congresswoman was the last person to beat Manny Pacquiao in anything. Tiny, smart and oozing with sex appeal. Just the right combination to make this list.

5. Sally Ponce-Enrile

The utter definition of the acronym MILF. Not the rebel group, but you know... MILF. So to kids out there here's another motivation for you little fuckers to go to school. Even if your ugly as a mother fucker, go to school and excel, get a job, make money then get a wife like this. Because you know, women as hot and yummy as these, they only go for those who carries an American Express Black in their back pockets.

4. Shalani Soledad

She is young, ambitious, fresh, smart and so damn hottt! Lowest ranking public official on the list, (Valenzuela City councilor) but has the potential to skyrocket as the First Lady of the country if BF Noynoy wins the presidency. Always on the recieving end of Kris Aquino's snide remarks, hottie Shalani always manages to keep her poise under pressure. Does not Kris realize that if and when Noynoy and Shalani get hitched, Shalani will provide one factor that is lost in all of the hullaballoo. The beautification of the Aquino clan.

3. Loren Legarda

By now you must have figured out how perverted I must be. And just to prove that point even further, yes Loren Legarda at those 10pm World Tonight newscasts got me through my raging hormones in my teenage years. I regularly watched the news but was utterly clueless on what really was happening until I realized that fantasizing about your news reader does that to you.

2. Pia Cayetano

Why do I watch senate hearings on ANC? Well first to see if Lito Lapid is sleeping in the session hall, what Senator Lacson is up to, and will the hot senator Cayetano would grab the microphone with her hands and slowly open her mouth and start to talk. I know she mustve said something life saving and important but her grabbing that mic and opening her mouth is one of the greatest public service acts she has ever done in her political career. Did I mention that senate hearings are usually aired live at around 3am where I live? Well there, I rest my case.

1. Nikki Prieto

Look I'm not likely to vote her husband for president but the prospect of her being the hottest first lady in the world can not be discounted. Nik, as I fondly call her (in my dreams mostly) can certainly give France's Carla Sarkosy a run for her money. Can't blame Gibo for gunning for the highest office of the land, the dude just wants to put his wife in her proper place, as the number 1 woman in the land.

To those who hate Gibo listen. The guy is a pilot, has money, has power, is educated, and yes if everything else fails, he has a super hot wife to go home to. Now eat your hearts out Manny Villar and Noli De Castro!

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines

SUNDOT KULANGOT (quick look on news around you)

2009-08-30T21:55:00.000-07:00

MALACANAN PALACE
31 August 2009

Judy Ann Santos and Sarah Geronimo to make a movie together.
To capitalize on the afternoon teleserye Kambal sa Uma, the title of the Juday Sarah G movie will be: Kambal sa Pisngi. Also starring Cherrie Pie Picache and Roxanne Guinoo. Charice Pempengco might do a cameo.

Kris Aquino to style brother Noynoy.
How about giving the guy a haircut first Kris? Shave that ghastly comb over already.

Show me the Manny premieres on TV.
I watched it, and its an hour of my life I won't ever get back. Fuck.

I declare everything I own - Mikey Arroyo.
Yeah uhuh, suuuuuuure.

Boobs ni Gretchen nagpupumiglas.
Let me set them free

No cheating in 2010, poll aspirants vow
Yeah uhuh, suuuuuuure.

Nadia Montenegro has no plan of managing the career of daughter Inah.
Me career?

Carlo J Caparas to run as senator.
Putang ina naman talaga oo!

Tayong Dalawa increases PMA applications
What's next? Mas dadami ang mga menor de edad na mabubuntis dahil sa Katorse?

First Gentleman, GMA must explain role. - Gordon
Asa ka pa.

Japeth Aguilar nixes PBA, plays for Smart Gilas
May PBA pa?

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines

MTRCB, Online Petitioners....LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE!!

2009-08-28T09:35:00.000-07:00

Malacanan Palace
28 August 2009

The continuing saga of the Wowowee incident has taken a new life , as reports has surfaced that Willie Revillame is now seriously considering running for an elective office in the national elections of 2010. As expected, a good number of politicians are now enticing Revillame to be part of their ticket either running as Senator or WORSE, VICE PRESIDENT OF THE PHILIPPINES.

PLEASE GOD NO. PARANG AWA NYO NA.

This came about as ABS-CBN has extended Revillame's exile from the show until September 29. Here is the network's official statement:

In the interest of self-regulation, ABS-CBN has availed of the conciliation process under Section 6, Rule 7, of the MTRCB Rules of Procedures, regarding the incidents involving Mr. Willie Revillame in the Program Wowowee. After having considered the facts, issues and terms of self-regulation to be imposed in the pertinent cases, the MTRCB has approved the same.

WHEREOF, the ABS-CBN shall undertake to perform the following:

1. Extend Mr. Revillame’s leave until 20 September 2009, and

2. Remove the present dance segment of Luningning and Saicy.

FURTHER, ABS-CBN reiterates that it is fully aware of its legal and moral responsibilities as a broadcaster and shall undertake to continue to uphold the values and customs of the Filipino viewing public.

OMFG. Really. Let me say it again. OMFG. Who is to blame for all of this? The online petition to oust Willie from Wowowee and the inutile MTRCB.

If we had just let Willie do whatever he does in his own little show, and live in his own little world, everything would be fine and dandy. he could satisfy his narcissistic tendencies in his show with the old little ladies, TFC subscribers and those who allow themselves to be ridiculed for 5,000 pesos, this would have never happened. Now Revillame's ego has been shot and he is thinking in his puny little brain of his that winning an election would be the best way for him to massage his massive ego. And you know whats scary folks? Willie might just win. Fuck me.

Now all of us has to suffer. Thanks Mr. Saguisag (online petitioner) Thanks MTRCB. Diyos ko naman, tigilan na natin si Willie. Ayan tuloy kung ano ano ang kagagaguhang iniisip. Are Lito Lapid and Bong Revilla not enough? Kung ayaw nyo kay Willie punyeta wag kayong manood. AYAN TULOY MADADAMAY NA TAYONG MGA PILIPINO.

STOP IT! BRING WILLIE BACK LAGUARDIA!!!

I probably do not need to enumerate the things that could, would or will happen if Willie holds public office. Para doon sa mga hindi ma gets, here read it: WILLIE REVILLAME VICE PRESIDENT OF THE PHILIPPINES.

So let me say this. WILLIE PLEASE COME BACK TO WOWOWEE. We goddamn miss you. Please entertain us (gulp*) again. Sing those songs that make us realize how beautiful life is. No one would really stop you if you just barge in in your show right? Just go. Stop thinking. Don't you miss the adulation of millions and millions of your minions?

Lesson to be learned here people. Mag isip ng milyong beses bago gumawa ng isang bagay. That online petition was well and good on the surface, but look at what it has taken us. The prospect of Revillame being Vice President of the Philippines. May God help us all.

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines

Executive Order 7: Abolition of Field Demonstration in Schools

2009-08-26T23:35:00.000-07:00

Malacanan Palace
17 July 2009

SUBJECT: Abolition of Field Demonstrations in Schools.

WHEREAS, Field demonstrations are always the centerpiece of every foundation day disregarding the fact that this activity is nothing but torture and is borderline exploitative of young children.

WHEREAS, More often than not, songs used for this exercise are of the lamest and the gayest kind such as Rico Mambo and any Madonna or Michael Jackson song in the 80s, Cant Touch this or New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys in the 90s and 00's and now the equally annoying Jai Ho of the past year or two.

WHEREAS, Field demonstrations serves no purpose whatsoever and only states the obvious. The only ones who enjoy prancing under 100 degree heat in ridiculous costumes are confused or already GAY.

THIRD KID. DEFINITELY GAY

WHEREAS, Generations upon generations of school children have been suffering from the embarrassment that is field demonstrations causing long lasting emotional trauma.

WHEREAS, Contrary to what people think, field demos are NOT cute, plain and simple and has no place in a civilized society.

Educators and school administrators who will be found guilty of disregarding this order will be subject to the same humiliation our kids are subjected to. Then probably they will finally understand WTF they are asking kids to do.

As the President of the greatest country in the universe, by the power vested in me, and by the power of grayskull, I hereby declare this executive order effective immediately.

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines
26 August 2009

Who should take Willie's place on Wowowee?

2009-08-14T23:46:00.000-07:00

15 August 2009

My first response to this question should be: "WHO CARES!" Who really has time to watch? Or who does? Until I remembered that when Willie Revillame disrespected the late President Cory Aquino in that August 4 show, two of my aunts and a cousin were actually in the studios of ABS-CBN watching the show live.

BYE BYE WOWOWEE?

So yes, I recorded the said show on my DVR. So imagine my shock when instead of seeing my relatives give it their all for an attempt of face time on TV, I got to see the blasphemous act done by Mr. Revillame. And after watching the show approximately 17 times, even the staunchest Revillame apologist would agree that it will take close to a miracle for Willie to get out of it.

With that outburst, people rushed to crucify Revillame and we all know what happened after that. He apologized, and now is "indefinitely suspended" by ABS-CBN. And now according to reports, Willie is even considering leaving the show altogether.

KAWAWA-WEE?

Whether you like it or not Revilllame has a massive fan base of mostly elderly overseas Filipinos, and the poorest of the poor who sadly enough are the ones always exploited on the show. If reports are accurate the guy makes a million pesos per show to ply his garbage everyday on national television. He is so huge he is not merely a name, he is a figure of speech, a part of the national lexicon, a state of mind.

Nowadays, it is not uncommon to hear kids say "Mommy is kuya winillie revillame na naman ako kaya ako natalo!" Or guys going: "pare wala namang willie revillamehan ng shota" further proof of how this guy's enormous stature.

So now the question is: Should Wowowee cease to exist? or Who should take Willie's place on Wowowee.

HE LIKES DICK

Roderick Paulate - Experienced host, veteran comedian and more importantly has managed to become less annoying over the years to the point that he is actually watchable. Another plus for the guy who likes dick, I mean the guy who we call Dick, he doesn't mumble his words, we can actually understand what he's saying unlike Willie who resorts to yelling all the time.

CONVENTIONAL CHOICE

Randy Santiago - One of Willie's fillers when he's unavailable. The safe choice. But there lies the problem. SAFE = Boring. Also he is such a good friend of Willie, I just dont think he could take his job from him. But of course, we've seen friendships crushed this way in reel and real life.

VOVOVEE?

Vhong Navarro - If he replaces Willie, it would be seamless. The opening spiel Giling-Giling could just be replaced by Pamela Wan, and they could even replace the shows' title from Wowowee to Vovovee. He can provide energy that could be entertaining in noontime. Can you imagine him and Luningning in a dance showdown? Well you go ahead and imagine that, I won't. Vhong is young, the dude can dance and just like noontime hosts Vic Sotto, Joey de Leon, and Willie himself has sired children from different women already. Further proof that he belongs in that exclusive company.

WHERE ARE YOU?

Bayani Agbayani - Before we consider him as Willie's replacement we got to find out first where the hell he is. What? Where? He is still alive? OK then.

WOULD HE DO IT AGAIN?

Arnell Ignacio - He actually has replaced Willie when he got canned from that "Sana Ma-divirginize ka na" remark from Magandang Tanghali Bayan. Ignacio found out that doing this gig, and competing head-to-head versus the three headed monster that is TVJ is insurmountable. Would he do it again? Highly doubtful but he is not really doing anything right now so maybe.

HOW MUCH WOULD IT TAKE ALLAN?

Allan K - A longshot. But some to think of it, Tito Vic and Joey started off as hosts of Eat Bulaga's rival show in the 70s and 80s' Student Canteen. What would make Allan K jump ship and face the kings of noontime? As we say, everyone has a price. Would Allan K bite?

IS HE READY FOR NOONTIME?

Ryan Agoncillo - Out of left field replacement for Willie. Observers might say a little too conyo for such a "masa" show until you realize the guy is the host of the number 1 Saturday show "Talentadong Pinoy" on TV5, and IS married to Judy Ann Santos. What can be more masa than that? Although would he dare face Eat Bulaga, where he maintains a good relationship with TVJ? He was even in the Iskul Bukol reunion movie. We'll see.

YOU'RE OK POKIE.

Pokwang - I have seen the show while Willie was gone and I have to say Pokwang is handling the job admirably. Which is sad because if Willie wasnt such a camera hog, we would have realized Pokwangs' talents sooner. Although she is doing her best, I dont think she could sustain doing this by herself. For now yes, but sooner or later the TFC subsriber lolos and lolas would start looking for Willie himself. By the way if were going to rename the show Vovovee for Vhong Navarro, we should rename the show Pokpokkee for Pokwang.

Other names that could be given consideration would be John Lloyd Cruz, Billie Crawford or even coaxing the APO Hiking Society from semi-retirement. But who are we kidding? Anyone who thinks ABS-CBN would replace Willie are out of their minds. He holds such clout (or maybe even dirty little secrets?) in the Lopez' group that if he gets permanently replaced, it would surely be the biggest shocker in Philippine television history. So just wait a little bit, and when the clamor for his head dies down watch him come back and reclaim his place in noontime.

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines

Dear Kris

2009-08-05T21:56:00.000-07:00

Kris,

It's been days since your mom's funeral. Tulad ng paulit ulit ng sinasabi ng ating mga kababayan, I would like to thank you and your family for sharing your parents with us. I know it has been said countless of times but I don't think its enough. It will never be. So again, maraming salamat.

You guys made the right call when you refused that half assed state funeral offered to you. What we have witnessed was the most regal, dignified, heartwarming, and inspirational memorial service Filipinos have ever seen in history. And you Kris? you handled everything with such grace that is unparalleled by anyone. You were, to say the least, as maybe inappropriate as it sounds right now...AWESOME.

Who can do that? No one. Can you imagine the pressure of being the child of Ninoy and Cory Aquino? And you being a huge media personality at that? As I'm writing this, I can't think of anyone in the whole world who comes close in stature. JFK Jr does not even come close. Sasha and Malia Obama? Maybe if they appear on a video with Beyonce. Although however great President Obama seem to be, he's not even half the man Benigno Aquino is, and the First Lady Michelle Obama? Forget about it. Marami pa syang kakaining bigas para maikumpara kay Tita Cory. So you see Kris, you are one of a kind. Unique ka. Nag iisa.

And because of this Kris, It just dawned on me that you should be spared from any criticism or anything of that sort. You should be allowed to do whatever the heck you want at whatever time. From hereon out Kris you have your own carte blanche with the Filipino people.

Narinig ko ng sinabi mong sisikapin mong mabuhay sa paraan na maipagmamalaki ka ng iyong ina. While that's well and good, I think your setting yourself up for failure. I mean are you really going to try to live your life like how Tita Cory did hers? Over the years, I have learned to look at you and Tita Cory as two seperate entities. Of all those boo boos you've done in the past, none of them reflected on Tita Cory. At least in my eyes. So don't worry about living like your mom. Worry about living like Kris.

So Kris do what you do, the way you have done it in the past. Tell stories. Entertain us. Don't hold back. If you go in your little Willie Revillame in you where you correct someone in your TV show in a tactless manner, so be it. Ang ibig bang sabihin nito e hindi ka na mang ookray ng mga taong kaokray okray naman? No. I'm sure Tita Cory wouldn't want you to drastically change what you do just because she has passed.

If you want to do Tasya Fantasya Part 2, go right ahead. If you feel like there is another massacre movie that you need to be in, fire away. Heck, if you want to dump James Yap for some other dude, do as you please. If you want to giggle as irritating as it might sound on tv, go ahead. And if you do decide you want to try your hand in politics as well, hey good luck.

So again Kris as I've said before, do whatever the heck you want. The Philippines should be your playground. I mean I know you wouldn't do it as your parents have taught you better but YOU SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO PAY ANOTHER MEAL IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. And that goes for Joshua too.

As a grateful citizen of this nation, I thought I would remind you of these. It's time for us to pay you back. That Carte Blanche issued to you has no limit, and has no expiration date. Use it as you please. And again thank you for that gift, the gift of your parents.

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines

P.S. Actually just like how you said that you lied yo your mom about you being OK, I too lied. You can do whatever you want yes, EXCEPT FOR DOING THE GILING GILING in WOWOWEE. Never again Kris, never again.

Paalam Tita Cory

2009-07-31T20:18:00.001-07:00

CORAZON AQUINO
1933 - 2009
11TH PRESIDENT OF THE PHILIPPINES

"HINDI KA MAG IISA"

IN YOU WE FOUND WHAT IT MEANS TO BE FILIPINO.
YOUR STRUGGLE LIVES ON

Move over Freddie, Jason and Chucky... Esther is here.

2009-07-25T12:44:00.000-07:00

25 July 2009
Malacanan Palace

Ampon! Ampon! Ampon! Remember when you were six or eight years old and that mean kid from a few houses down would call you that whenever you would pass by their house in your bicycle? What did you do? Some of you probably told your parents, some yelled something back at them, but I bet none of you would push the mean kid off a jungle gym causing the kid to be crippled right? Well not Esther....cause unlike you and me there is something fucking wrong with her.

YES THERE IS.

The movie Orphan which stars Peter Saarsgard and Isabella Fuhrman as Esther is a freaky, scary, sickening and riotous family drama/horror movie if there ever is one. John and Kate (without eight) are a couple trying to adopt after Kate's miscarriage. They meet Esther, an articulate, charming, artistic, well mannered freckle faced nine year old in an orphanage alone painting away while singing glory of love. They talk to Esther, fall in love with her, take her home and all hell breaks loose.

The movie starts off kinda slow, taking its time to introduce you to the whole family, showing us why they act a certain way and their demons that justifies their actions throughout the movie. We find out that Kate is a recovering alcoholic who besides losing her baby, also nearly lost her deaf daughter Max (played beautifully by Aryana Engineer) who nearly drowned in the lake while she was under the influence. The first part also tells us about John's past indiscretion and how much of a stranger he is in his own house which makes him utterly clueless on what is going on with his family. This crack in this family's relationship is what Esther attacks, and she attacks it with horrific impunity.

Watching this movie makes you feel like someone is holding your hand, making you feel safe and when your just feeling a little comfortable goes ahead and shoves you in a cold dark place, with no way out. No matter how hard I try to intellectualize this review, the movie is pure fun. It does not offend your intelligence that much, (it is a horror movie after all and not a historical depiction of an event.) I mean after everything has unravelled you realize that it is all ridiculous but then you also realize you had fun watching it so everything else about it and its ridiculousness becomes passable.

I wouldn't tell you to drop whatever your doing right now and go watch it, but if you have 10 bucks to spare and around two hours, why not treat yourself and someone to a movie. Just do not bring your kid. The movie is scary, but there are scenes here that are REALLY SCARY.

This movie gets 3 out of 5 presidential seals.

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines

Straight out of the ghetto

2009-07-23T19:03:00.000-07:00

22 July 2009

For those who have not heard, here's a little something from youtube to brighten up your day or piss you off. (I'm hoping for the former.) It's pretty self explanatory....ENJOY

AMAZING...

(Sgd.)H.E. President of the Philippines

HANGALAN 2010: The Countdown (Series 2: Loren Legarda)

2009-07-16T22:46:00.000-07:00

Loren Legarda

Party Affiliation: NPC (Nationalist People's Coalition)
Current Position: Senator
DOB: January 28, 1960
University of the Philippines
Bachelor of Arts in Broadcast Communication
Odds of winning the Presidency: 1-1000
www.lorenlegarda.com.ph

On a recent state visit by the good senator to the island nation of Maldives, and to the surprise of absolutely nobody, Legarda officially announced her plan to run for the presidency. Well better to do it in Maldives where she is assured of some kind of audience, than in the Philippines where she might have trouble finding someone who would be willing to listen to what she has to say.This former anchorwoman of the English broadcast news program World Tonight is a two term senator and is running on a pro environment platform. (Good luck on that one.)

What's going for her: She is one of the prettiest faces out there, and is an experienced lawmaker. She can also get a good chunk of the women vote since there is no other viable woman candidate out there.

What would hurt her: The "sawa" factor. She seems to be running for some kind of elected position everytime there is an election. By now, it's just kinda annoying. Oh by the way, there's one little thing that might kinda creep up on her.....THIS DUDE

Yeah, you know no matter how hard she tries to distance herself to the former governor, it just does not work that way. It is going to be extremely difficult for the voting public not to think of her former husband's murder conviction when going to the polls. Hey look at it this way, you cut it down to two people to choose from, and with everything being equal who would you go with..the candidate whose better half is not convicted of any crime....or the one whose husband is in jail? Yup. I know its a bit unfair but hey they should know they're politicians after all.

Would win if: If all the other candidates are buried in an earthquake and she manages to survive. Otherwise it would be best for her to slide down to the vice presidency then weasel her way to the presidency. Oh it would also help her if she adpots a nickname. I think she is the only one out there without one. How bout this for a nick name: "EL na EL". Loren "L na L" Legarda for President. Catchy aint it?

Of Tita Cory, Tayong Dalawa and John Lloyd Cruz and Ruffa

2009-07-04T00:06:00.000-07:00

(Just taking a little break from chronicling my Manila trip.)

Malacanan Palace

First off my heart goes out to Tita Cory. One thing about Tita Cory, despite the Luisita massacre and the hiding under the bed during one of the coup d etats, unless I don't know or given undisputable evidence on the contrary, the former president didnt seem to steal money from our country, a thing none of those who followed her or preceded her can claim.

YOU'RE COOL TITA CORY. YOU'LL BE OK.

Everyone knows the story, housewife who rose to the challenge and lead the country from the dark auspices of the Marcos regime.

She is my favorite Aquino/Cojuangco, and yes that includes Kris, Baby James (is he gonna be called Baby James until he's 20?) Noynoy, Tessie, Peping, Danding, Marlou, and Benedict Aquino. Although Mikee is a close second and I do like the name "Ballsy" especially for a woman!! But in all seriousness, I do hope and pray that she gets better soon. Tita Cory, you will prevail.

MIKEE AFTER ALL THESE YEARS...HAYY....

Oh and not to be malicious or anything but (napansin lang..) Mayor Lim's presence in all of the masses for Tita Cory makes me giggle like fans of the KIMERALD love team.

FRED LOVES CORY = FREDORY?

I'm willing to bet that if Tita Cory did not become president and is not held in such high esteem, Mayor Lim would have put the moves on. Hey theres really nothing wrong with that and I bet you most Filipinos would be happy if this happens.

And speaking of KIMERALD, I have an admission to make. I do watch Tayong Dalawa. BUT TO CLARIFY, It's not like I record each episode on my DVR. Nothing crazy or anything but I do tend to sit and give a few minutes of my time watching it.

WHO IS THAT WOMAN STANDING BESIDE GERALD ANDERSON?

My problem: ITS JUST GETTING TO BE A LITTLE, NO A LOT TOO LOOOOOONG. Look, it is too long half of the original cast members have died already! Mylene Dizon, dead. Baron Geisler, dead. David Garcia Sr., dead. Stanley, dead. Helen Gamboa, dead. Even Gina Pareno is dying! How many more lives would be lost until we finally see the end of this story? I could actually get past several inconsistencies like Jake Cuenca reporting in his office when the big sign behind the desk says "HUKBONG KATIHAN" when he is supposedly serving the ARMY, but I kinda feel like we are just getting taken along for the ride.

I mean why not end it now? (actually they should have ended it when Helen Gamboa died) Then if there is a huge demand for the KIMERALD love team, just do a book two. This story is just too tangled up now and again is just too long. End it now before I just get too pissed off and quit watching it.

And now to the more important issues of the day. JOHN LLOYD CRUZ and Ruffa Gutierrez.

DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO GUYS.

I dont get what the big fuss is all about. Here's a 26-27 year old guy with raging hormones trying to get with a 35 year old Ruffa, who I must admit, with a few beers is certainly a MILF. Don't get me wrong Ruffa is hot but the beers are necessary to block off all thoughts that Ruffa is the daughter of Annabelle Rama.

Look people, John Lloyd probably grew up having one of Ruffa's posters in his wall growing up. The dude is just trying to live out his fantasy. There is nothing inherently wrong with that. I mean as much as JLC would love to pop Sarah Geronimo's cherry, there is no way in God's green earth that is going to happen. Sarah is a prude and will be until the end of time. Now can you blame JLC for going the cougar route?

JOHN LLOYD IS NOT GONNA GET LUCKY WITH THIS GIRL

What kinda bothers me is there are actually paparazzi here in the United States taking pictures of the pair. I know they are public figures but are they really worth megabytes on your precious digital cameras' memory? Really? Maybe if someone paid me I would trail these two, otherwise hell nah.

Other than that, leave the two alone. I mean every dude has a fantasy of getting it on with someone older than you. I mean when I was 13, I along with other boys my age spent nights cradling images of Alice Dixon in my bed. I wanted to see Dyesebel so bad I asked our maid if she wanted to go with me to see it with her security guard boyfriend. All i could think of at that time was topless mermaids + big screen = a good nights' sleep.

So I got no problem with these two doin it. I understand. The nine year difference is nothing. If there's one May-December affair that still bothers me to this day its the Ashton-Demi hookup, aside of course from the classic Nora Aunor-John Rendez tryst years back. If John Lloyd really wants to risk his career for a chance to get it on with Ruffa by all means. One word of advice though bro, make it worthwhile. Blow your brains out.

BTW, Happy 4th of July to everyone and remember this piece of advice: To all those celebrating this special day, remember huwag magpapaputok sa LOOB. Siguraduhing sa labas. DELIKADO at baka maraming madamay. BE SAFE.

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines

Shore Time Hotel

2009-07-03T01:44:00.000-07:00

Boracay, Philippines

As consumers, we only take the time to write about a service or an establishment is when either they really really suck, they fucked us up, or both. But this is an entirely different story.

As we land in Caticlan, we were greeted by two pleasant and nice dudes by this gem of a hotel where we booked our stay in Boracay, Rhafy (yes his name is really spelled this way in his name tag) and Robert. (Thank god he does not have the unnecessary H in his name.) As soon as we met these guys there was an instant connection. Right away even without them doing anything extra ordinary, you knew you were in good hands. They were genuine and respectful without being over bearing or over acting. Being over acting is what ticks me off specially in the Philippines, when salespersons or employees of a place just greets the fuck out of you with their monotone good morning sir maam.

HOTEL LOBBY

They pick us up in a nice shuttle (Toyota Avanza) to bring us to the boat that will take us to the island. It does gives me a little smile on my face that we get to ride this vehicle while most of the people we saw on the same flight were hauled in tricycles. Not that I do not like trikes but isnt it nice sometimes to know that you are treated a little better than your fellowmen? You're on vacation after all! And dammit I'm the President for crying out loud! Let's not forget that.

YOU GET BOTH VERANDAS FOR YOUR SUITE

We get to the boat and in about 20 minutes or so, we get to Boracay island. Ahhhh i'm pumped! And after traversing the two lane road (which is so small it wont even pass as a side street from where I'm from) for about five minutes we reach our hotel...our home away from home...SHORE TIME HOTEL.

Behind the funny and suggestive name is a collection of individuals who are there to make sure all your needs are met. They are people who like their job. The smiles are not fake, and all of them can carry a nice, smart and sensible conversation. The hotel is impressive but as I have told all of them there during my stay, anyone can copy their amenities, their lay out, their structure but what sets them apart is their service. It is beyond perfection, beyond five stars.

The hotel is perfect for my taste. Not toooo fancy and not too cheap either. Just right. It is clean and still is brand new. (According to the staff it has only been in existence for about a year and a half.) The rooms are spacious, bright and one thing you would notice right away is it is not embellished with shit you really don't need. No fancy stupid flower arrangements, no crazy color schemes, just clean, well thought of necessities.

The staff made sure that all our needs our met, oftentimes going above and beyond the call of duty. Dropping us off at d mall even if they don't have to, just stuff you would truly appreciate.

OBAMA GRILL ON THE LEFT, ANDOKS ON THE RIGHT

The hotel is owned by the same person who owns the Andok's chain of restaurants (this is also where you order your free breakfast) and is located on station 1, perfect if you're not looking for the craziness stations 2 and 3 brings. Their suite where we stayed is good for 6 people (although there was only four of us) and is reasonably priced. It's veranda faces the street, which is perfect for people watching and its attic gets you a good and relaxing view of the beach. It is not beachfront mind you but unless you are a paraplegic I don't think one would mind the mere 20 or so steps it would take you for your feet to touch water.

THE VIEW FOM THE TERRACE

I really could go on and on as those who have been following this blog (all three of you) can attest but this is one of the few times I can say I am relatively speechless. I have been to the biggest hotels in Vegas or anywhere else in the United States but they just can't compare. I guess its like going to your grandmas house only here they are shocked when you pickup after yourself. Shoretime hotel is the perfect compliment to your Boracay vacation.

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines

State Visit: BORACAY

2009-06-29T03:50:00.000-07:00

Manila, Philippines
21 June 2009

Could'nt sleep. Running on fumes now. Worried that if I sleep, I might not wake up early enough to catch that early Cebu Pacific flight from Manila to Caticlan, so I just took some toothpicks to keep my eyes open, drank more Coke light (what they call Diet Coke in the Philippines) took a shower and waited it out.

If Greenbelt impressed me, Terminal 3 of the NAIA airport takes the cake. This is a world class airport. It gives every Filipino its dignity back. After witnessing that garbage of an airport that is Terminal 1, seeing Terminal 3 makes me want to blow up Terminal 1 myself. I mean can we hurry up and blow that old airport already?

FORGET THE GUY IN THE PICTURE. LOOK AT HOW SPARKLING THIS TERMINAL 3 IS!!

So we get to the airport bright and early, really psyched over this trip! I remember the first time I heard about Boracay when I was in high school. Then it was just a dream to me, only heard it from classmates wealthier than me. I mean how can I even fathom going there, I was just a high school student asking for baon everyday. So I promised myself that if and when I get the chance to go, I will go to Boracay. Several years late, but hey I'm almost there!

So grabbed breakfast from one of the restos inside the terminal and waited. Of course not before going through security and again lining up separately from the women. (It is really funny.) Oh this was also my first encounter with a so-called celeb: Keanna Reeves. Ok I admit. I wanted to take a picture of her. Not for my own benefit but for this blog. I mean wouldnt it be nice to have a celeb in here? But thankfully I came to my senses and decided against it.

I SAW YOU LOOKING AT ME KEANNA...

Question for any celebs out there. Do you guys really wanna be noticed? Or recognized? Is it good for your egos? I ask this question because it seemed like Keanna wanted me to notice her. She at least looked at me three times and of course I pretended not to know of her. And with me not acknowledging her presence, her and posse just amped up the volume of their conversation! Ugh!

So after that brief encounter and my chicken mami that by the way had chicken wings on it with bones and all, we all went to our gate. By the way, is it just me or has chicken mami reinvented itself? I remember the chicken of chicken mami as real meat, as opposed to what I got. I mean if not for the noodles, I wouldve thought I was eating tinola!!

As we wait for our flight, i noticed two men wearing a barong tagalog approaching our gate accompanying this older woman. I immediately knew that this lady was somewhat important. Took me a while to figure out who she was but after a few minutes I figured it out. It was Filipino-American businesswoman Loida Nicolas Lewis. If not for the two bodyguards/escorts who took her to the gate I wouldnt have noticed who or what she was. All the time she was there she was texting away on her cell, never even saw her look left or right. I guess that was my second encounter of a semi celeb.

After a few moments, we were called for boarding. We took this bus to take us to our plane. Pretty cool, although the damn thing was not airconditioned. No complaints though as it was 4am, not too hot and it ddnt take more than two minutes to take us to our plane.

This was the first flight out of Manila to Caticlan for the day so it was not full. Again, the plane was dominated by Koreans. When my sister told me about the enormous number of Koreans in the Philippines, I never thought that it was this big. I thought it would just be a sprinkle of them, kinda like how Asian Indians were in the late 80s. Damn I guess Koreans do love the Philippines huh?

Anyway, we were fortunate enough to get on a sparkling brand new Cebu Pacific plane. Not that I have a fear of flying but it does help alleviate one's fear when you know that the aircraft you are gonna be looks and feel like it wont break in two mid flight. The plane was tended by two pretty hot looking flight attendants. I ddnt care much by their color scheme: khaki, orange and white but the girls were young, all made up and decked out in their uniforms outfitted by BENCH!! as evidenced by the logo on their sleeves. Big turn off definitely but hey the unis were tight enough so by all means.

BRAND NEW CEBU PACIFIC PLANE!

Took off soon enough and as soon as I figured out that those propellers on the plane would not disintegrate, slept like a baby. Thankfully I woke up just before landing and was able to see how beautiful Boracay is up there. Am I really going to that island? Ocean Beach in San Francisco or Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk got nothing on this shit!!!

THE VIEW FROM UP THERE

Thank god no one clapped when we landed or else I would've slashed my wrists. MEMO to everyone. Clapping during landing is not necessary unless your flight went through some crazy death defying maneuver or went through some kind of natural calamity. Act like you've been on a plane dammit!! If you really want to show your appreciation to the pilot, say thank you as you disembark.

So here I am Boracay. After all those years of yearning, I'm finally here. After all these years of answering no to white folks to the question: "Have you been to Boracay?" I'm finally here.

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines

Manila State Visit: Day 3

2009-06-29T02:22:00.000-07:00

Manila, Philippines
20 June 2009

Still not much sleep. Still operating at Bay Area time. So after that crazy night, Here I am up at the ungodly hour of 9am. had my nephew buy some hot pandesal at Pan de Manila and enjoyed every gooey, soft, chewy madness that is pandesal.

I GUESS YOU CAN'T PARK HERE?

The day was relatively quiet, just took the nephews and nieces to SM Southmall. Took a tricycle ride (weeeee!) to Southland, (which reminded me of my path going to high school in Las Pinas) and boarded a short airconditioned bus ride to SM Southmall.

THIS WAS NOT A SPECIAL TRIP

Needless to say the traffic was horrific. You would think they would have widened Zapote-Alabang road by now huh? But no. They still do the same counterflow whatever where they would stop one direction so those going to the other direction could use four lanes of traffic. Let me spell it out.. R-O-A-D W-I-D-E-N-I-N-G!!

BOSS SOUTHLAND!!

Ahh SM. Dunno, its just a huge piece of commercial real estate. Being in Greenbelt the day before this place just does not hold a candle, or a gasera, or even a posporo. I guess I should not compare but I guess its fair to say that SM is marketed towards the lower social classes. From those annoying credit card vendors and the place itself, all I wanted to do there was to get in, and get out as fast as I can.

This place was also the first time I experienced falling in line to get inside a mall. The hell? This is not just an ordinary line mind you, this was a line where they separate men from women. LMAO!!! Another thing that does not make sense. I smell an executive order coming.

You think this kind of shit is going to fly in the United States? Can you imagine how many lawsuits the management of SM would get from this? This was just funny.

But of course a trip to SM is never complete unless you get to the food court. When SM was I guess cool back in the day at least, I would never fail to stop by its food court specifically Sizzling Plate. Who would not love a plate of that sizzling porkchop with Java rice??? So there I was staring at that plate of porkchop while reminiscing of those days I would ask my mom for money to go to Makati (via Lovebus BF-Greenbelt route) to buy shoes at Mendrez, then whatever left over cash I had was spent to eat at Sizzling Plate!

MY NIECE, BEHIND HER IS SIZZLING PLATE!!

Although the meat looked smaller, (maybe I was bigger or I'm just used to having servings of American sized meat) it was the same as when I last had it. Hot, Sizzling and Good!!

Went back to SM to get some puto molds to bring back with me to the states then I hear their announcement that they were closing. Did not think much of it until I witness their closing procedure.

I do not know if Henry Sy is still a follower of Chairman Mao, but witnessing them close SM for the day makes you wonder if you were in Tiananmen Square.

Half of the employees were lined up towards the exits, reciting their closing creed. It was just like a flag ceremony, employees reciting the creed word for word. They were lined up like good soldiers while half of the employees were unfurling those white cloths used to cover merchandise in unison. It was like watching the closing ceremonies of the Olympic games. A sight to behold. There was precision, a well oiled choreographed dance! I guess if the Philippines manages to host an Olympic event anytime soon, the best people to hire for the job are SM people.

Look I used to work in retail (Nordstrom's) and I was trained in customer service, but it was never like this. This is bordering to the extreme. It is probably safe to assume that SM is the only retailer in the world who subjects its employees to this kind of madness. From the same type of makeup all their sales ladies wear, to the annoying and robotic "Good Morning Sir, Maam" and to their people who follow you in every inch of the store, now I know why my sister refuses to go there.

To their credit, their stuff is cheap, and really everything you would ever need is under one roof. Also, they provide a service to all Filipinos, no not jobs, but a big air conditioned place where people could cool off. Being in that kind of weather, having a place to cool off for free I guess is commendable enough.

Was happy to get out of SM, and after a futile attempt to go from SM Southmall to San Andres Bukid, (which we had to postpone because of you guessed it, traffic!) we went home.

WHY WOULD ANYONE EVEN GO OUT OF BF PARANAQUE IS A MYSTERY TO ME

When darkness fell, I thought of what I used to do as a kid when I was back in the Philippines. Oh yes, ISAW!! I did see a BBQ stall just a few blocks from our house, so I asked my sister if it was safe to eat there. I guess for people living there it was, but I guess she would not want to risk me suffering from Hepatitis A so she suggested to take me to a place called CENTRAL BBQ BOY.

The tricycle ride to Central showed me how much BF Paranaque has changed. Even Freddie Webb's old house was now a restaurant. I'd say 75% of the houses in Aguirre avenue were now all commercial establishments. I mean if I owned a house there I would move away too! Oh and of those 75% commercial establishments, 60% of them were Korean!!! What the heck? The Koreans have invaded! The Koreans have invaded!

So we get to Central Boy BBQ, and oh BOY did it rock my world. Shit, so this is where my peoples are at. Those people I was looking for the night before at Hard Rock were all here. Although they looked like high school students, the vibe was cool. Just what I was looking for, a place to slum without being in a slum. I guess this is the place where the conyos wants to be jologs. The music was pumping, it was loud (a little too loud for me I must admit) and the food was good. What beats a good ISAW without the threat of having diarrhea in the morning?

At around 1 am, we had to call it a night as we had to get ready for an early flight out of Manila. Where were we going? BORACAY BABY!!!

State Visit to Manila: Day 2

2009-06-20T11:41:00.000-07:00

Manila, Philippines

When I got to the East coast for the first time, I wondered why do people even live there. It's just tooo colllld. I mean your life revolves around trying to cope with the biting cold weather.

Same thing goes for the Philippines.... how the heck do people manage to live there !!!! wow its freaking hot!!!

Then I spend the day at the Fort and Greenbelt.

EVEN THE ARMY HEADQUARTERS LOOKS COOL

WOW. Now this is great. I guess this is why people live in the Philippines or the world for that matter. This place is beautiful....no spectacular!!!

Getting out of BF, to get to Greenbelt, we hail a cab. And this is where we meet Allan. This dude is the nicest guy I have ever met.

HOME SWEET HOME

Again, he restores your faith in humankind. He is nice, honest, respectful. He is genuine. For all the bad rap taxi drivers in the Philippines get, he brings it back ten fold. As I write this I realized I forgot to take a picture of the dude, but if someone needs somebody to transport you all over Manila let me know and I'll give you his number. To illustrate how nice this guy was, at one point in my 8 days in Manila, he actually refused to take a tip as he said "sobra sobra na po ang binibigay nyong tip sa akin, metro na lang po ang bayaran nyo." I mean who does that?

I'LL TRADE A BAY AREA APARTMENT FOR A UNIT HERE ANYTIME, ANYDAY

He takes us from Paranaque to the Fort. Never been or seen the Fort ever, except when I was in elementary when we had a field trip to Fort Bonifacio. He said we need to see the Fort and boy was he right. Taguig is the shit. If Taguig was literally the shit, as in a piece of shit 15 years ago, now its the shit. It gives any modern city in the world a run for their money. Allan points out that the part of the development of the Fort should be attributed to the leadership of Jojo Binay. I really did not argue since I do not know for sure if it is true but if it is, Binay should be seriously considered for the Presidency.

LOOK AT WHAT I'VE MISSED

We go through Forbes Park (where I saw a lady driving the Philippine version of what I drive here in the states) and then after a few minutes, Greenbelt.

PINOY VERSION OF MY CAR (IN RED) IN FORBES PARK

Again. WOW.

It makes you wonder why can't this be replicated in most parts of the country. If they can do it here, you can certainly argue this can be done anywhere else. It's not even as massive as MOA. Greenbelt is just well designed and classy.

MAKES YOU WANNA SPEND MORE

Seems like 80 percent of people there looked like they have the capacity to buy whatever is there and not merely enjoying the airconditioning. Proves to you that bigger is not always better.

MY SEVEN JEANS AND PRADAS LIKE GREENBELT :)

Got a haircut at Piandre, pedicure at Tips and Toes, (where I snored my ass away) services at Let's Face It, (where I again snored myself to embarrassment) oh and in the middle of all of this I got to mention, had halo halo at Razon's.

When I was planning my trip to the Philippines, one of my plans was to go drive to Cavite and go to Digman's. I mean Digman's was the ultimate in Halo halo for me growing up. Until I had Razon's.

Razon's halo halo is like an experiment in chemistry. While I was enjoying every spoonful of refreshing goodness, I couldnt help but wonder WTF did they put in that glass. How can a halo halo which seems to lack in ingredients be that good. I ddnt see anything in it. But goddamn it it was good. Was it the ice? the milk? the leche flan? Razon's secret recipe is up there with KFC's 11 herbs and spices, and the recipe for Coca Cola.

After all of that, night falls and we go to where all the restaurants were at. It was a cavalcade of restaurants that every foodie must go. The possibilities are endless. From mediterranean, american, italian, it was like a United Nations restaurant trade show. Every food from every part of the globe was represented. After going up and down the area at least three times, we settled at Sentro, a restaurant whose house special was Sinigang Corned Beef!!!!

No, I wasnt feeling that adventurous so I skipped the Sinigang Corned Beef. Sinigang is my all time favorite dish and I just would not patronize any attempt of its bastardation. I'm sure its pretty good, but I'm gonna pass. Probably next time. Anyway, Sentro was pretty cool, the noise level was ok, you can still have a decent conversation while having your meal, although the group next to us were talking, err screaming at the top of their lungs making sure everyone would hear what they were talking about. (No, lady you do look like your 40 years old thank you very much.)

After dinner, walked around some more then decided to cap the night away at my favorite hang out in Makati 10 years ago, Hard Rock Cafe.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?

What a shocker. No one told me no one hung around Hard Rock anymore except for old white dudes with their prostitute girlfriends! If I was not too tired of walking around and if the band Freestyle was not there, I would've ran out of there as fast as I could. Was it the wrong day to chill there or has Hard Rock really gone downhill?

FREESTYLE: HARD ROCK'S SAVING GRACE

After Freestyle's first set and after I have downed my third beer, I had to call it a night. I just could not stand looking at these girls with these pervs anymore. Besides it was around 3am already. Time to text Allan.

Allan like clockwork, gets to Makati 20 minutes after my text. This dude just amazed me really. I ask him to take me to one last stop on my way home, the PAGCOR casino in Paranaque.

All I got to say about PAGCOR is it is old and dilapidated. A shame, beacuse all their slot machines are awesome! I mean who really wants to carry 3,000 pesos in PAGCOR coins around? have they ever heard of coinless playing? or cash tickets? The carpets smelled horrible. Probably the one in Paranaque are one of their older ones? Still if you do win, you forget all of that and all your concerned about is how to haul all your coins to the cage while maneuvering through the hangers on who wants balato!

After an hour and a few thousand pesos richer (which i did not mind after all the dough I threw at Greenbelt) Allan was back to take us home. It was 4am then and goddamn there was still traffic. Unfreakingbelievable. Hunger pangs sets in and asks driver to pull up at a Shakey's.

Ohhh how I miss Shakey's. Their Chick and Chips just brought back memories of lunch time in UST. Chick and Chips got me through my UST days, and it is still as good as ever. Did'nt care about the pizza, Chick and Chips was awesome! Best fastfood fried chicken in the world bar none. Popeye's is a close second though.

Got home at 5-6 something and was ready to call it a night. Or a day. Or whatever. Pretty productive day I must say. Makes me wonder how I managed to let 10 or so years pass and not be back.

Manila day I Part III

2009-06-20T11:18:00.000-07:00

Air Force One
Somewhere in the Pacific

HNL-MNL

I have been thinking about this leg of the flight for the longest time. This is what has worried me the most. No, I have faith in pilots the world over. These people do an amazing job day in and day out.

What worried me the most was the passengers on the plane. A bunch of Filipinos in an enclosed space always seem to turn into a disaster. Hopefully this would be better right? Nothing will and can go wrong with this flight. Why? cause I said so thats why.

I HAVE ONE RULE WHEN FLYING. Never to check in anything...thus I have no balikbayan boxes. I want my crap to be with me at all times. Simple right?

As I haul my luggage onto the plane, a dude was shoving some luggage onto the overhead bin above where my seats where. Did not think anything of it until I found out I don't have space for mine. Just kept my cool, figured hey it does not look like a full flight, there should be ample space for me right?

As I search for space, my fellow passengers, being Pinoys as they are, just couldnt resist the urge to be epal, giving unsolicited advice to anyone who would give them the time of the day thus causing a commotion. I guess it is an innate thing for Pinoys to do, they always have a thing to say about anything, no matter how mundane it is.

But no...."Ay hindi yan kasya jan!" "try mo dito! dito!" In unison on the top of their lungs!!! ahhhhhhhh. First of all did I ask for your opinion? You think I can't figure it out myself? I guess if my luggage wont go in tht overhead bin, there's a good chance its not going to fit right? So shut up!

Then came the words Ive been dreading to hear: "Sir we have to check that in!" NO FUCKING WAY I said to myself. I in turn gave the dude who took my spot in the overhead bin the look I gave the last time I was in a fight in elementary school.

I wanted to strangle him and 10 other passengers at that point. If they were not acting like total epals, the FA would not even noticed me or my bag. My luggage shouldve been safe in an overhead bin, without the threat of it manhandled by baggage handlers or worse being lost.

I'm only spending 8 days in the Philippines, unlike all of these idiots who managed to haul all their otherwordly possessions in 5 boxes weighing 85 lbs each. they can aford to lose a box or two. I can't. My other hand carry only had shoes. What will I wear if gets lost? How am I going to retrieve the damn luggage.

As I attempted to throw a diva fit. I was reminded that YOU DO NOT WANT TO MESS WITH Flight Attendants. It's a fact. It is something that 9-11 brought about. FAs has police powers and they are not afraid to use it. So after saying "But I don't have any clothes in my handcarry!" I just sat down took a deep breath, and after the FA took my luggage away, said in a voice that everyone can hear: "You people better pray they won't lose my luggage."

So you can now imagine how stressful the 10 hour HNL-MNL flight was for me. Besides thinking about the possibility of my luggage being lost or worse stolen, I was already plotting what kind of pain to bring those who have oppressed me. The dude who stole my spot, and whoever owned the luggage he was storing it for.

As we land, of course not after the annoying round of applause you hear ONLY from trips overseas to Manila, I run outside to the carousel, not after shoving the lady whose bag the other dude shoved it for.

My bag! my bag! yes....there it was. It was not lost, thus reviving my faith on all baggage handlers worldwide.

In the tunnel, you are reminded right away that this is the Philippines. Muggy, sticky, hot. I guess kinda like sex. You probably don't care for it but you gotta have it. I tried to control my gag reflex because the last thing you want at that point is to be mistaken for someone who has the ah1n1 virus. I mean that could be the worse!

So I walk out the airport and as I grab a yellow cab (they charge 70 bucks flag down and 4.00 thereafter) again I take a deep breath and say to myself....Welcome to the Philippines!!

From the cab, I ask the driver to take me to BF Paranaque, my hometown. Thank god I did not rent a car. If before getting to Manila, I had some illusions of renting a car and driving home, that quickly dissapated. It takes a certain kind of person to be able to drive the streets of Manila. There are no rules, merely suggestions.

The streets look the same, but yet looks so much different. I recognize some of the places but there has been so much changes done in the last 15 years or so. The roadside ihaw ihaws, the craziness, all too familiar for me. The traffic though is a totally different story.

From now on, when I get stuck at the Bay Bridge for the morning commute, I shall never ever curse or blow my top ever again. Once you've experienced Philippine traffic you will be able to survive any kind of traffic anywhere in this world. Guaranteed.

Finally I get home. Not after spending 375 pesos on cab fare. (made it 500 even with tip. Just because I'm generous like that) By the way, the cab driver tried to pull a fast one on me by pretending to not know where BF Paranaque was. What kind of cab driver would not know where BF Paranaque is huh?

Surprised my nieces and nephews who had no clue I was coming. Shocked my sis. Great day, after a long journey, seeing the faces of all these people who are important to me makes this ardous trip worthwhile. I am back!

State Visit to Manila Day 1 Part II

2009-06-18T18:46:00.000-07:00

June 18, 2009
Air Force One
State Visit to Manila
SFO to HNL

So I got the last seat. Its kinda like my old high school seat. By the exit right next to the trash can. I sat in that spot for three years, Im used to it, so I'm not complaining.

When I got to my seat the FA asked me if I wanted to switch seats with the guy infront of me since my companion got the middle seat infront of me, so i said yeah sure if he doesnt mind.....

Guess what happens next...

A. The guy says yes just because he's a nice guy and really THERE IS NO FUCKING DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHERE I'M SEATED AND WHERE HE IS.

B. The guy says yes but asks for 5 dollars to add to his duty free shopping money

Or..

C. The guy is going to be a dickwad and just say "um no im good here."

THIS GUY IS AN ASSHOLE

If you guessed C, you are absolutely correct. Asshole pulls rank and refuses to move. Honestly, I aint even pissed. Just the fact that we got into that flight was enough for me. I was just thinking what kind of reasoning is behind the refusal to move. I mean its not like he was already situated in his seat, everyone was still fixing whatever and shit like that but hey oh well. assholes are assholes right?

But before you lose hope in humanity, lo and behold at the 3 hour mark of the 6 hour flight
asshole looks at me and goes...wanna switch seats? What a surprise!!! so i said yes tapped him in his shoulders and sat my ass down.

Ok what the hell just happened? did the dude just had an epiphany? A realization that he really cant be an asshole for 6 hours? Ah! I'm giving him too much credit. Found out it was because of my girl bothering the heck out of him for 3 hours. nudging him, dislodging his elbow out of her arm rest, subtle yet effective.

Enjoyed the rest of the flight...ddnt really see anything since I was in the middle aisle and the stop there was so quick I was only able to have two quick puffs of my Marlboro mediums (in HNL you actually go outside from gate 29 to 31 although it is still non smoking but who cares right?) as I was walking towards the next gate. But from the 2.5 minutes I experienced breathing Honolulu air, I must say the weather was pretty awesome.

After a little random questioning by customs (How much money your bringing etc..none of your beeswax bitch! lol.) got on the HNL - MNL plane with absolutely no hitches..or so I thought.
(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines

17 June 2009

State Visit to Manila

2009-06-18T18:42:00.000-07:00

17 June 2009
10:06 p.m. Pacific Standard Time
Air Force One
Somewhere over the Pacific.

Subject: State Visit to Manila (Day 1)

As I write this, no one in Manila knows that in about 5 hours I will be knocking at their door and hopefully join them for dinner. This is a total surprise. This is also the reason why I havent updated this blog. I hope to capture some of it on video, should be pretty cool unless someone back home spilled the beans on me. But before that, why dont we look at the hell I have to go through to even get to that point.

As a beneficiary, I can basically go to anywhere I want to go in this world inexpensively. Not free but inexpensively. Cool right? The catch? Be ready to be treated like a piece of shit in every check in counter in the world. Lets face it, they dont like standbys. Its extra work for them, youre that last piece of hurdle they have to go through before their work is done. If your sorry ass ddnt show up, they couldve gotten to wherever they wanted to go, or smoked that cigarette five minutes ago. But since you showed up, they have to stay there 5 minutes longer so there...feel their wrath...

We get to the check in counter at an ungodly hour of 5:45 am. I cant remember being up that early ever. Not for anything in this world. But I guess for a chance of a quick 8 day sortie to the Philippines for less than 350, sure why not. Last time I was there was six years ago anyway so I guess it is about time.

So there I was, in my Pradas, lining up with the rest of the balikbayan box carrying travellers of this world to get to Manila. Witnessing this first hand just reinforced my belief that no self respecting person should ever travel with a balikbayan box. I mean just the mere fact that you decided, by your own free will to put your belongings in a box....I repeat a box!!! says something aboout yourself. It doesnt even matter if that box contains a Louis Vuitton purse your aunt wanted you to get her...stuffing it in a balikbayan box just makes it no different from a Louie Biton purse. Its just not right.

By 6:45 am we get to talk to the agent who basically said something to the effect of: "Well the chances of you getting on the SFO to HNL flight are the same of you having sex with Megan Fox."
We had a few options. Go home and try again another day, take our chances out of San Jose, haul our asses in the rush hour commute of the San Francisco Bay Area to Sacramento for a better chance of getting on a plane to HNL or goddamn it stay in SFO and get laid with Megan.

Obviously we got on, but the wait was just excruciating. Oh by the way, God the creator of Heaven and earth...attention...I was just kidding when I was praying those Stevens would not answer those pages because they got into a little car accident. So God, I don't know what kind of sense of humor youve got but when we got on after no one responded to the page: PASSENGER STEVENS party of two, I had some chills down my spine. I do not take resonsibility for it. they probably just overslept.

So lesson of the day: Keep on trying, dont give up, balilkbayan boxes are embarassing, wear pradas for good luck and I'm gonna fuck Megan Fox!!!!!!!!

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines

Justice for Ruby

2009-06-11T01:42:00.000-07:00

This would be one instance that I am veering away from my character and going into real person mode... to condemn the brutal murder of Ruby Barrameda.

I knew Ruby Rose personally. Her brother is a batch mate, her sister Rochelle was my best friend in High School's ex girlfriend. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and claim that I was probably one of the first one's to see Rochelle's potential as an actress as we ran in the same ticket in our high school student council. There were times that me and my best friend would take Rochelle to their house with little Ruby in tow to make sure both would get home safely.

I was shocked when I heard about the news. I first got a hold of Ruby's disappearance from Rochelle's friendster account around two years ago. I was hoping that Ruby just ran away from home, just a simple case of a girl leaving because of a misunderstanding. Sadly, as we all know by now this happened.

It just breaks my heart that a beautiful, sweet and young woman like Ruby would end up this way. No one, absolutely no one deserves to die this way.

To all politicians, law officers, people in government. SOMETHING MUST BE DONE ABOUT THIS. WAKE THE FUCK UP. I hope you guys show the same enthusiasm, vigor, and interest you've shown to the Hayden Kho video scandal on this case. Unlike the nonsense that is Haydengate where no one was killed, this was a gruesome murder. I HOPE YOU IDIOTS GET THAT.

And to all of us, let us all be vigilant, open our eyes and make sure the full extent of the law would come down to these motherfucking animals who did this heinous to Ruby. There is no place in this world for these animals.

To Ruby....may your soul rest in peace. HUSTISYA PARA KAY RUBY.

A Time of Crisis

2009-06-10T23:06:00.000-07:00

Malacanan Palace
10 June 2009

Countrymen. Usually I figure stuff on my own. I am pretty good at it, finding solutions to problems that seem to go out of hand. But this, this thing that happened to me, I need help.

SOMEONE CHANGED MY EMAIL ADDRESS ON MY FRIENDSTER ACCOUNT. IT HAS BEEN HACKED.

Honestly, I don't care about the account. I'm on FACEBOOK anyway. But I'm just worried about what this asswipe would do. He could use this account to send messages to my friends, post malicious crap on my account etc. etc.

I'm probably just paranoid but what if this shit leads to other stuff that are 100000x more important? bank account information, emails...stuff like that.

Now I ask you...what can I do? Is there anything?

Please help.

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines

Executive Order No.7: Amending Voting Rights

2009-06-05T10:48:00.000-07:00

Malacanan Palace
06 June 2009

SUBJECT: AMENDING VOTING RIGHTS

Elections. Voting. One of the most basic rights accorded by the constitution to every citizen. Despite its importance, voting rights are the most abused, trampled, given the finger to by both candidates and the electorate.

THIS MIGHT AS WELL BE CALLED A CASH BOX INSTEAD OF A BALLOT BOX

This executive order does not constitute a revision or an amendment on that kind of election. This is a tad more important than "that" kind of election. Besides everyone is too set in their ways to change their views, traditions and ways about elections. Too change it is moot.

This executive order constitutes a change on how all citizens vote on a more important kind of voting.....INTERNET VOTING.

Lets look at some of the more blatant abuses in voting in recent history.

MS. UNIVERSE MISS PHOTOGENIC 2005-2007

Thank God the organizers of the Ms Universe pageant stopped awarding the Ms Photogenic award, after realizing how many Filipinos have access to the internet. The first year it happened was cute, but three in a row? It was not only stupid, it was downright embarrassing. Who wants this award anyway? Personally I hate it when someone tells me I look good in pictures. So what, I'm not anything to look at in person? F U then!

AMERICAN IDOL JASMINE TRIAS

CLOSE BUT NO CIGAR....

Not much of a fan of American Idol. When it first came out I said that it was just gonna be a fad, flash in a pan show. Yeah right. It is still the most watched Television show in the world for seven years or so running. Only watched it the 1st season, this last season, (because of the annoying prodding of my 10 year old daughter) and the third season, The year two Pinoys cracked the TOP 12, Camile Velasco and Jasmine Trias.

I'm not saying Jasmine can't sing. She can. But really American Idol? Listen to this.. Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, Jordin Sparks, Jasmine Trias..Say it again one more time..it just doesn't sound right. A sweet Pinay girl with a flower in her head, one that looks like she goes to church every Sunday, Trias captured the heart of every Pinoy mom accross the United States, enough for her to convince all of them that she is their little niece from Hawaii. And as we all know, you get into the good graces of Nanay, you have hit paydirt. The height of the Pinoy text vote mania hit an ultimate high when my mother ordered me to use my housephone and two of my other cellphones to vote for Jasmine, regardless if she can or cannot sing. Emotional blackmail, the threat of losing inheritance. Two of the ways a Pinoy mom can prod any child to do anything she wants one to do. Fortunately, in the end, justice was served and Fantasia Barrino won. For the record though, I did like Camile Velasco a 1000x more than Jasmine.

HIMALA CNN's Best Asia-Pacific Film of All Time.

AN EXCELLENT FILM. NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.

Two things I have in common with Boy Abunda. We both have the same birthday (10/29), and we both like Nora Aunor. His is borderline fanaticism, mine is probably just my eternal preference for the underdog. (and truth be told Nora is the ultimate underdog.) But this does not blind me enough to vote for Himala as the Best Asia-Pacific Film of All Time. OF ALL TIME! Not the Best Philippine Movie, (which I would not argue against) but of the whole Asia Pacific Region. Besting Seven Samurai (which I saw and I must say was really moving) and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon? (Oscar winner) wow!

We cannot blame this solely on Noranians who are dwindling in number, and whom I'm willing to bet half does not even own a computer or let alone use it. The blame goes to every single Filipino who seem to have this obsession to vote for every friggin online poll where there is something or someone about a Filipino.

Manny Pacquiao Time's 100 Most Influential

VERY INFLUENTIAL...IS THE GIRL UNDER THE INFLUENCE?

I do not know who the F is Christopher Poole or "Moot", Time Magazine's winner as the most influential person. With that, his selection makes this list totally insignificant. Somewhere in Armenia, someone would have said the same statement if Manny Pacquiao topped this list. see how stupid that might have sounded? Again, thank God we have criteria to thank for saving us from this potential embarrassment. Pacquiao, although getting the most number of online votes, managed to land in the 22nd spot due to other criteria which he most likely scored very poor. Again, this goes to show you that there is justice, even in the internet.

NEW SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD: UNDERGROUND RIVER

I DO HOPE THIS WINS. REALLY.

Now this is something I can support. Although I have never been to the underground river, pictures do not lie. It is breathtaking. If it does win, I will not dispute it......only if it wins FAIRLY. I mean really, what satisfaction is there if this place wins because of 8 million Filipino internet users voting ten times each? Vote once and get out, and let the place's merits speak for itself.

SARAH GERONIMO: FHM 100 SEXIEST WOMEN IN THE WORLD

YOU GUYS ARE JUST FUCKIN SICK. SICK YOU HEAR?

I enjoy Sarah. She probably is not the prettiest out there, but you gotta admit the girl is entertaining. I have only seen four Filipino films in a movie theater in the United States, and two of them are her movies: You Changed My Life and A Very Special Love. In addition, I saw these films in arguably the most dilapidated, stinky, outdated, and sticky movie house in the state of California, that AMC theatre in the back of Stonestown Galleria in San Francisco. So pretty much, my admiration of Sarah has been established.

Then this. According to this article on pep.ph, Sarah Geronimo is in the running for being the Sexiest Woman in the World. Ok, there are probably two maybe kinds of people who would vote for Sarah as sexy: A person who is required to report his change of address to authorities every time he moves and is also not allowed to live within a 5 mile radius from an elementary school, or a sex starved juvenile.

I do understand that this is from FHM Philippines, NOT FHM U.S., so I'm not too pissed about it, knowing the sick nature of Filipinos. The thing I'm worried is if someone googles the keyword FHM Sexiest and sees Sarah that person might just hurl his computer outside his window. Anyone who sees Sarah as a sex object need to see a doctor right now. You guys heard of a certain Megan Fox? Jarah Mariano?

MEGAN AND JARAH ARE BOTH PISSED....YOU WOULDNT LIKE IT IF THEY WERE...

Look, I am a red blooded male like most of the FHM readers are but sorry. I just can't wrap my head around the thought that Sarah Geronimo is one of the 100 sexiest women in the world. Not at 101, 102, 178, 235. I just can't. Probably there's something wrong with me. Probably I'm not as sick as I think I am. Who's next Charice Pempengco???!!!!

And as proved by these injustices, there is a consistent pattern of voting irregularities that has remained unchecked. Therefore, I am amending voting rights accorded to all Filipinos for the observance of fairness, restraint and common sense whenever one feels the need to vote for a compatriot in a mindless online poll. This needs to be done. Megan and Jarah told me to do so. And to their will I surrender.

As the President of the greatest country in the universe, by the power vested in me, and by the power of grayskull, I hereby declare this executive order effective immediately.

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines
06 June 2009

More Goddamn Perverts

2009-06-05T02:11:00.000-07:00

Malacanan Palace
5 June 2009

So I get ill and what do you know.....more perverts are coming out of the woodwork. Mga kampon ni Hayden. After him, comes Baron Geisler, then Aljur Abrenica (although this smells fishy) then this list. The list of the 209 perverts who gang raped and jizzed all over our Constitution. The ones voted to attempt and prolong GMA's term. Mga bastos. Hey at least Hayden and Katrina looked good. These perverts...... well

YOU ARE NOT ALONE BOY! LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE STARTED

ABANTE, BIENVENIDO M. “BENNY” 6TH District Pandacan
ABLAN, ROQUE R. JR, Ilocos Norte, 1st District
AGBAYANI, VICTOR AGUEDO E. Pangasinan, 2nd District
AGYAO, MANUEL, S Kalinga Province
ALBANO (III), RODOLFO T. Isabela, 1st District
ALFELOR, FELIX R. JR. 4th District, Camarines Sur
ALMARIO, THELMA Z. Davao Oriental, 2nd District
ALVAREZ, ANTONIO C. Palawan 1st District
ALVAREZ, GENARO RAFAEL M. JR. Negros Occidental, 6th District
AMANTE, EDELMIRO A. Agusan Del Norte, 2nd District
AMATONG, ROMMEL C. Compostela Valley, 2nd District
ANGPING, MARIA ZENAIDA B. Manila, 3rd District
ANTONINO, RODOLFO W. Nueva Ecija, 4th District
APOSTOL, TRINIDAD G. Leyte, 2nd District
AQUINO, JOSE S. (II) 1st District Agusan del Norte
ARAGO, MARIA EVITA R. 3rd district, Laguna
ARBISON, A MUNIR M. Sulu 2nd District
ARENAS, MA. RACHEL J. Pangasinan, 3rd District
ARROYO, DIOSDADO M. Camarines Sur, 1st District
ARROYO, IGNACIO T. 5th district Negros Occidental
ARROYO, JUAN MIGUEL M. 2nd District of Pampanga
BAGATSING, AMADO S. Manila 5th district
BALINDONG, PANGALIAN M. Lanao del Sur, 2nd District
BARZAGA, ELPIDIO F. JR. Cavite, 2nd District
BAUTISTA, FRANKLIN P. Davao Del Sur, 2nd District
BELMONTE, VICENTE F. JR. Lanao del Norte, 1st District
BICHARA, AL FRANCIS C. Albay, 2nd District
BIRON, FERJENEL G. Iloilo, 4th District
BONDOC, ANNA YORK P. Pampanga 4th District
BONOAN-DAVID, MA. THERESA B. Manila, 4th District
BRAVO, NARCISO R. JR. Masbate, 1st District
BRIONES, NICANOR M. AGAP Party list
BUHAIN, EILEEN ERMITA Batangas, 1st District
BULUT, ELIAS C. JR. Apayao Lone District
CAGAS (IV), MARC DOUGLAS C. Davao Del Sur, 1st District
CAJAYON, MARY MITZI L. Caloocan, 2nd District
CAJES, ROBERTO C. Bohol, 2nd District
CARI, CARMEN L. Leyte, 5th District
CASTRO, FREDENIL H. Capiz, 2nd District
CELESTE, ARTHUR F. Pangasinan, 1st District
CERILLES, ANTONIO H. Zamboanga Del Sur, 2nd District
CHATTO, EDGARDO M. Bohol, 1st District
CHONG, GLENN A. Biliran, Lone District
CHUNG-LAO, SOLOMON R. Ifugao, Lone District
CLARETE, MARINA C. Misamis Occidental, 1st District
CODILLA, EUFROCINO M. SR. Leyte, 4th District
COJUANCO, MARK O. Pangasinan, 5th District
COQUILA, TEODULO M. Eastern Samar, Lone District
CRISOLOGO, VINCENT P. Quezon City, 1st District
CUA, JUNIE E. Quirino, Lone District
CUENCO, ANTONIO V. Cebu City, 2nd District
DANGWA, SAMUEL M. Benguet, Lone District
DATUMANONG, SIMEON A. Maguindanao, Lone District
Dayanghirang, Nelson L. Davao Oriental, 1st District
DAZA, NANETTE C. Quezon City, 4th District
DAZA, PAUL R. Northern Samar, 1st District
DE GUZMAN, DEL R. Marikina City, 2nd District
DEFENSOR, ARTHUR D. SR. Iloilo, 3rd District
DEFENSOR, MATIAS V. JR. Quezon City, 3rd District
DEL MAR, RAUL V. Cebu City, 1st District
DIASNES, CARLO OLIVER D. (MD) Batanes, Lone District
DIMAPORO, ABDULLAH D. Lanao Del Norte, 2nd District
DOMOGAN, MAURICIO G. Baguio, Lone District
DUAVIT, MICHAEL JOHN R. Rizal, 1st District
DUENAS, HENRY M. JR. Taguig, 2nd District (2nd Councilor District)
DUMARPA, FAYSAH MRP. Lanao del Sur, 1st District
DUMPIT, THOMAS L. JR. La Union, 2nd District
DURANO (IV), RAMON H. 5th District, Cebu
ECLEO, GLENDA B. Dinagat Islands, Lone District
EMANO, YEVGENY VICENTE B. Misamis Oriental, 2nd District
ENVERGA, WILFRIDO MARK M. Quezon, 1st District
ESTRELLA, CONRADO M. (III) Pangasinan, 6th District
ESTRELLA, ROBERT RAYMUND M. ABONO Party List
FERRER, JEFFREY P. Negros Occidental, 4th District
GARAY, FLORENCIO C. Surigao Del Sur, 2nd District
GARCIA, ALBERT S. Bataan, 2nd District.
GARCIA, PABLO JOHN F. Cebu, 3rd District
GARCIA, PABLO P. Cebu, 2nd District
GARCIA, VINCENT J. Davao City, 2nd District
GARIN, JANETTE L. Iloilo, 1st District
GATCHALIAN, REXLON T. Valenzuela City, 1st District
GATLABAYAN, ANGELITO C. Antipolo City, 2nd District
GO, ARNULFO F. Sultan Kudarat, 2nd District
GONZALES, AURELIO D. JR. Pampanga 3rd District
GONZALES, RAUL T. JR. Iloilo City
GULLAS, EDUARDO R. Cebu, 1st District
GUNIGUNDO, MAGTANGGOL T. Valenzuela City 2nd District
HOFER, DULCE ANN K. Zamboanga Sibugay, 2nd District
JAAFAR, NUR G. Tawi-Tawi, Lone District
JALA, ADAM RELSON L. Bohol, 3rd District
JALOSJOS, CESAR G. Zamboanga del Norte, 3rd District
JALOSJOS-CARREON, CECILIA G. Zamboanga del Norte, 1st District
JIKIRI, YUSOP H. Sulu, 1st District
KHO, ANTONIO T. Masbate, 2nd District
LABADLABAD, ROSENDO S. Zamboanga del Norte, 2nd District
LACSON, JOSE CARLOS V. Negros Occidental, 3rd District
LAGDAMEO, ANTONIO F. JR. Davao del Norte, 2nd District
LAPUS, JECI A. Tarlac, 3rd District
LAZATIN, CARMELO F. Pampanga, 1st District
LIM, RENO G. Albay, 3rd District
LOPEZ, JAIME C. Manila, 2nd District
MADRONA, ELEANORA JESUS F. Romblon, Lone District
MAGSAYSAY, MARIA MILAGROS H. Zambales, 1st District
MALAPITAN, OSCAR G. Caloocan, 1st District
MAMBA, MANUEL N. Cagayan, 3rd District
MANGUDADATU, DATU PAKUNG S. Sultan Kudarat,
MARANON, ALFREDO D. III Negros Occidental, 2nd District
MATUGAS, FRANCISCO T. Surigao del Norte, 1st District
MENDOZA, MARK LEANDRO L. Batangas, 4th District
MERCADO, ROGER G. Southern Leyte, Lone District
MIRAFLORES, FLORENCIO T. Aklan, Lone District
NAVA, JOAQUIN CARLOS RAHMAN A. (MD) Guimaras, Lone District
NICOLAS, REYLINA G. Bulacan, 4th District
NOGRALES, PROSPERO C. Davao City, 1st District
OLAñO, ARREL R. Davao Del Norte, 1st District
ONG, EMIL L. Northern Samar, 2nd District
ORTEGA, VICTOR FRANCISCO C. La Union, 1st District
PABLO, ERNESTO C. APEC Party List
PANCHO, PEDRO M. Bulacan, 2nd District
PANCRUDO, CANDIDO P. JR. Bukidnon, 1st District
PICHAY, PHILIP A. Surigao Del Sur, 1st District
PIñOL, BERNARDO F. JR. North Cotabato, 2nd District
PUNO, ROBERTO V. Antipolo City, 1st District
RAMIRO, HERMINIA M. Misamis Occidental, 2nd District
REMULLA, JESUS CRISPIN C. Cavite, 3rd District
REYES, CARMELITA O. Marinduque, Lone District
REYES, VICTORIA H. Batangas, 3rd District
ROBES, ARTURO G. San Jose Del Monte City, Lone District
Rodriguez-Zaldarriaga, Adelina Rizal, 2nd District
ROMAN, HERMINIA B. Bataan, 1st District
ROMARATE, GUILLERMO A. JR. Surigao del Norte, 2nd District
ROMUALDEZ, FERDINAND MARTIN G. Leyte, 1st District
ROMUALDO, PEDRO Camiguin, Lone District
ROMULO, ROMAN T. Pasig City, Lone District
ROXAS, JOSE ANTONIO F. Pasay City
SALIMBANGON, BENHUR L. Cebu, 4th District
SALVACION JR., ANDRES D. Leyte, 3rd District
SAN LUIS, EDGAR S. Laguna, 4th District
SANDOVAL, ALVIN S. Malabon-Navotas, Lone District
SANTIAGO, JOSEPH A. Catanduanes, Lone District
SANTIAGO, NARCISO D. (III) ARC Party List
SEACHON-LANETE, RIZALINA L. 3rd district of Masbate
SEARES-LUNA, CECILIA M. Abra, Lone District
SILVERIO, LORNA C. Bulacan, 3rd District
SINGSON, ERIC D. Ilocos Sur, 2nd District
SINGSON, RONALD V. Ilocos Sur, 1st District
SOLIS, JOSE G. Sorsogon, 2nd District
SOON-RUIZ, NERISSA CORAZON Cebu, 6th District
SUAREZ, DANILO E. Quezon, 3rd District
SUSANO, MARY ANN L. Quezon City, 2nd District
SY-ALVARADO, MA. VICTORIA R. Bulacan, 1st District
SYJUCO, JUDY J. 2nd Dsitrict, Iloilo
TALINO-MENDOZA, EMMYLOU J. North Cotabato, 1st District
TAN, SHAREE ANN T. Samar, 2nd District
TEODORO, MARCELINO R. Marikina City, 1st District
TEODORO, MONICA LOUISSE PRIETO Tarlac, 1st District
TEVES, PRYDE HENRY A. Negros Oriental, 3rd District
TUPAS, NEIL C. JR. Iloilo, 5th District
UNGAB, ISIDRO T. Davao City, 3rd District
UY, EDWIN C. Isabela, 2nd District
UY, REYNALDO S. Samar, 1st District
UY, ROLANDO A. Cagayan De Oro City, Lone District
VALDEZ, EDGAR L. APEC Party List
VALENCIA, RODOLFO G. Oriental Mindoro, 1st District
VARGAS, FLORENCIO L. Cagayan, 2nd District
VILLAFUERTE, LUIS R. Camarines Sur, 2nd District
VILLAROSA, MA. AMELITA C. Occidental Mindoro, Lone District
VIOLAGO, JOSEPH GILBERT F. Nueva Ecija, 2nd District
YAP, JOSE V. Tarlac, 2nd District
YU, VICTOR J. Zamboanga Del Sur, 1st District
ZAMORA, MANUEL E. 1st District, Compostela Valley
ZIALCITA, EDUARDO C. Parañaque, 1st District

Remember these perverts....remember them.

Presidential Report: Pinoy Illnesses and Home Remedies

2009-05-29T19:22:00.000-07:00

SUBJECT: PINOY ILLNESSES AND HOME REMEDIES

Malacanan Palace
30 May 2009

My countrymen, the hardwork, stress and everything that comes with being President has finally taken a toll on me. I am sick.

I am currently recuperating with the help of Vicks vaporub, Decolgen forte, lots of fluid and Marlboro Mediums.

So not to alarm everyone, let me stress that this is not swine flu, SARS, dengue or foot and mouth disease. This is purely good old fashioned FLU...and what a bitch this is.

If everything goes right, hopefully I should be up and about in a few days.

I very rarely feel like crap or get ill but this just got me like a Pacquiao right hook.

Being sick, it made me think of some of the illnesses and home remedies we have been accustomed to.

- Huwag lalabas ang bata sa umaga ng walang bonnet baka mahamugan.
Ok so I guess kids in San Francisco and Daly City (a city enveloped in fog 23 out of 24 hours of the day) should all stay in their homes huh? Biggest piece of bullshit I have ever heard.

-Lawayan ang bata para hindi mausog.
The only thing this does is makes the baby stink from some old dude's saliva.

- Gamot sa sore eyes, gatas ng ina.
Does it depend on whose breasts they came from? I bet Jessica Alba's breast milk would be more effective than lets say Pokwang's?

- Wag mag lalaro ng apoy at mag iihi ka sa gabi.
I used to take a stick (?) from a walis tingting light it up and write my name in the air. Effective in preventing arson, not too effective in preventing bed wetting.

- Wag maliligo o magbabasa pagkatapos mamalantsa o mag laro sa labas dahil mapapasma.
I am gonna go out of a limb here and say whoever started this is some lazy kid finding an excuse not to take a shower.

- Ihian ang paa para mabawasan ang pag papawis.
Just like any other pre teen in the Philippines, I was a hoops addict. 3 oclock, 4 oclock it doesnt matter, I'm out there playing hoops in my tsinelas. The problem? after the game I would have that gross V strap on my feet, brought about by the dust and grime sticking from my sweaty feet. The solution according to them? Pee on it. What happens? nothing except your feet smelling like pee.

- Nakakabaog ang stork na ihinalo sa Sprite o Seven-up.
If this was true, we would'nt have the population problem were having right now.

As I recover, feel free to add to this list in the comment section below. Now let me boil some water so i can put a tablespoon of vicks to inhale.....

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines.

Presidential Flash Report: Hayden's Cold Shower

2009-05-28T02:08:00.000-07:00

Malacanan Palace
28 May 2009

At the Senate today, one man was able to do what Hayden should have done in the first place: Taking a cold shower. Abner Afuang, whose life was made into a movie starring Philip Salvador, doused water at the embattled doctor at the start of today's Senate Hearing (Chismis) on the sex video scandal........(Look at the Senate treated like a beauty parlor!)

I don't know about you but Hayden blew it. That was his chance to get any kind of dignity back. So what if he got shot by doing that? That would have been the perfect exit! I would have jumped up, caught Afuang myself and kicked the living shit out of him. I mean WTF! You can cuss at me, give me the finger or whatever...but water? in my face? infront of millions of people? That is akin to being spit on or being bitch slapped. I bet even the most perverse person in this world (if there is one besides you) has lost whatever ounce of respect they have for you. You are now ALONE. Pati mga manyak na tulad mo kinahihiya ka na! Someone dares to pull that shit on me, that person would have been dead by now. Hayden, you are not just a pervert of a highest kind but a pussy of the highest degree...Let me say it again P-U-S-S-Y!

Honestly, this shit has gone too far even for my standards. I wish all of you would just go the fuck away....... Katrina to Palawan...Belo back to the 1950s....Hayden to hell....Bong Revilla to Cavite....ugh!

Now that I got that last paragraph out of the way.....no actually go...make a fool of yourselves. Even Jerry Springer or Howard Stern could have never thought of this.

You blew it man....you blew it.

(Sgd) H.E. President of the Philippines
28 May 2009

Executive Order No.6: Exploration of Alternative Tourist Spots in the Philippines.

2009-05-25T20:02:00.000-07:00

Malacanan Palace
28 May 2009

SUBJECT: Exploration of Alternative Locales as New Tourist Spots

WHEREAS, With the global financial crisis with no end in sight, this government are working on ways on how to solve budget deficits and shortfalls.

WHEREAS, As President of this Republic, I have directed the Department of Tourism to explore other Philippine locations as potential tourist spots that would generate additional revenue for the government.

WHEREAS, I encourage all Filipinos here and abroad to embrace these sites that would surely give everyone satisfaction, enjoyment, relaxation and would foster national pride.

WHEREAS, Citizens are also encourage to post their own hidden gems for inspection recognition and inclusion in this executive order in the comments section below.

WHEREAS These said spots will all be accessible, educational, exciting, and more importantly affordable for everyone to enjoy.

MAGIC MOUNTAIN (PAYATAS DUMPSITE)

LOCATION: QUEZON CITY
HOW TO REACH IT: FROM THE AIRPORT TAKE A CAB TO QUEZON CITY AND FOLLOW THE STENCH

A stone's throw away from the Philippine Congress, this 130 feet tall mountain of a "gold mine" is indeed a sight to behold. With fog billowing out of Payatas mirroring that of the hills of San Francisco, to its unmistakeably unique smell that is distinctively Payatas, the sheer mass of this "scavenger's paradise" one would be dumbfounded to muster the right adjectives to describe this place. An excellent showcase of archeological, cultural and social treasures, antiques, that mirrors that of the whole country. Not only is this a spectacular sight, this also is a job seekers haven where with a strong resistance to smell and hard work, one can earn upwards to 400 pesos a day for its more than 40,000 residents! A museum, a man made wonder, a shopping center all rolled into one. Truly a Philippines' souce of national pride. By the way, ever noticed that your water tastes a bit odd? Well maybe because the main water supply for the metropolis comes from the La Mesa dam, where the "juices" of Payatas seeps in. Ahhhhh how refreshing

TAE BEACH

LOCATION: BALAYAN, BATANGAS HOW TO GET THERE: FROM MANILA, APPROXIMATELY 2 HRS. ASK A TRICYCLE DRIVER TO TAKE YOU TO TAE BEACH.

A hidden gem that locals wish they could hide, Tae beach (also known as Ma-tae beach) is like the ugly adopted stepsister of the prettier beaches around it in Nasugbu and the Matabungkay Beach in Calatagan. If those beaches has white sand that represents its pristine beauty, Tae beach might as well be covered with asphalt as it has black sand. Children will surely have a blast here too as they could make the sturdiest sandcastles able to withstand waves. Sandcastles here are uncharacteristically strong as sand is mixed with crap (human or otherwise) or tae, hence it's name. The tae acts as a cement like substance that strengthens sandcastles! Oh how fun! Watch your childs' creativity explode as they use wrappers of Chippy, Pee Wee and other things some people consider as "garbage" littered all over the shore as decorations for their sandcastles. For those with an adventurous spirit, try swimming at the beach and experience being in the water in the company of sea weeds, fish, my lost Nike Shoe and you guessed it, fresh ebak. I have no idea why, but the current local government and the district's congresswoman are currently working on turning the said beach into a Baywalk, so hurry before it changes forever.

PNR RAILWAYS

LOCATION: METRO MANILA

Have you been to the Buzz Lightyear ride in Disneyland? Well this ride takes the same concept only instead of you firing at targets, you are getting fired upon with bags of urine and shit instead of laser lights. Its cars are old, dilapidated and is a breeding ground for diseases. A trip on this train is truly a trip down memory lane, a distant memory. Plus a trip to the hospital. Great for children and great for training as being able to evade a hot bag of fresh manure is something one must have to survive. It is also not unusual to see kids playing the local game patintero with an oncoming train. While inside, enjoy the view as its route showcases the best in "minimalist architecture", which simply means architecture using the very minimum in materials: scrap metal and cardboard boxes. Truly a majestic achievement in urban planning, architecture and engineering.

ITS KINDA LIKE THIS YOU KNOW

It is a non stop thrill ride that is sure to titillate the senses, enhance your sense of adventure, and give the true meaning of exhiliration. Fares vary from points of origin and we are not going to be responsible if you happen to sit beside that fellow who still smells "amoy araw" even if it is already 8 o'clock at night. A change of clothes may also be necessary for those lucky ones who happen to get hit by a heaping pile of shit so please prepare accordingly.

SAKLAAN

LOCATION: ALL OVER THE PHILIPPINES
HOW TO GET THERE: LISTEN FOR A GUNSHOT AND IN A DAY OR SO WATCH FOR ONE TO SPROUT UP IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD

Why waste your money in Vegas or Macau when you can splurge right in your own backyard? Saklaan's are the Philippines' answer to the Vegas Strip, as it gives the same excitement and more as one would get in Vegas. If Vegas casinos only offer drinks for free, Saklaan also gives beverages plus biscuits, those of the canned variety. Also, just like Vegas, women usually offers food and refreshment although of course the women in Vegas are better looking and smells better but for 45 times less money, who are you to complain.

PASIG RIVER

LOCATION: MANILA
HOW TO GET THERE: BEST WAY IS THROUGH STA. ANA MANILA

If you're into extreme kayaking, or white water rafting this is the place for you. Experience the thrill of being in a improvised boat, and with typhoons water goes downstream at 100mph. Dodging shoes, diapers, sanitary napkins and the occasional refrigerator, this takes extreme water sports well to the ultra extreme. A 25 kilometer stretch of water..err murky water, this criscrosses 13 different bridges littered all over the Metro Manila area.. Boat fees vary or if one is feeling a little bit more adventurous, you can take an icebox made from Styrofoam and go on your merry way for free! Life vests are completely optional and are not required. Why go to those venetian boats and canals in Venice when you can experience the real "kanal" here in the Pasig River.

Therefore, I the President of the greatest country in the while wide world, by the powers vested in me and by the power of grayskull, I hereby declare this executive order valid effective immediately.

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines
28 May 2009

Presidential Bulletin: Baron's Masturbation

2009-05-25T15:08:00.000-07:00

Malacanan Palace

25 May 2009

SUBJECT: BULLETIN ON BARON'S MASTURBATION

This bulletin provides guidance regarding perverts on the loose, i.e: Hayden Kho and again, Baron Geisler.

This bulletin is a reminder to all women to use better judgement, if and when one is to approach, interact or be within breathing distance of Mr. Geisler and of course Hayden Kho.

BARON GEISLER

JAKOLERO!!!!!

"Masturbation is nothing to be ashamed of. It's nothing to be particularly proud of, either." - Matt Groening

First, we need to give props to Mr. Geisler for his improving taste in women. After being charged with acts of lasciviousness by Patricia Martinez, (daughter of William Martinez and Yayo Aguila) one whose name you would not find in any mens magazines' hottest women lists, Geisler has improved on his perverse urges with this little hottie: Yasmien Kurdi. According to reports, Geisler masturbated or as a witnessed has described it: "nag-bate" in full view of Kurdi, Jennylyn Mercado and Kurdi's production assistant during the shoot of their GMA Teleserye.

Lets get one thing straight. I USED TO masturbate, (ok I still do, sometimes.) when I was 13 so I'm not one to judge masturbation per se. I'm not too good at it, so I prefer "getting in there" instead of "spanking the monkey". But I do not masturbate in front of people and there lies Baron's problem. See, I guess it is ok if one masturbates while having sex with a partner, but not when you merely saw someone's panties, NO MATTER HOW GREAT LOOKING THAT CROTCH OR CAMEL TOE LOOKS!!

HMMM..I'D VENTURE A GUESS THIS DUDE IS INTO CYBERSEX

Not to say that this is an excuse but the dude is currently in a long distance relationship with a chick who lives in Australia. And as everyone who is involved in a long distance relationship knows, masturbation via webcam, i.e. cybersex, is the only way to keep those libido flowing. I would like to know what this girlfriend of his has to say about this, because if this was my girl, no matter how much of a stud I am, she would have kicked me to the curb YESTERDAY. I wonder what kind of lame excuse Baron has for his girlfriend, could it be along the lines of Baron was masturbating in front of his laptop and Yasmin and Jennylyn just happened to be there???

You know who got the best out of this news? HAYDEN KHO. He's probably like a proud papa right now, as he can proudly say, hey its not just me people! And more importantly, the good Doctor would get a much needed respite from being known as the most sexually deviant Filipino known to man.

THIS GUY IS SENDING YOU THANKS BARON!

So I guess in a few days, (as some reports has said, the "Baron Masturbation" was caught in camera) I would not be surprised to see this all over the internet for everyone to see. But just like what I did on the Bong Revilla nude photos, I WILL PASS. No thanks.

As President of this republic, I would like to propose to these two an easy way out of these controversies. Let us tatoo the words "SEX MANIAC" across your foreheads and everything will be forgotten. NO TRIALS, NO LAWSUITS. Hey if the two giant television networks would still give you jobs, sure take them too! So what do you say Baron and Hayden? How about that?

Presidential Report: Bong Revilla's Perversity? Nude Photos All Over The Internet

2009-05-22T01:14:00.000-07:00

Malacanan Palace
22 May 2009

Well, well, well. Lookie here! after calling Hayden Kho a "maniac" and a "pervert of the highest kind", and suddenly becoming the hero of oppressed women from here to Timbuktu, (which probably does not include wives suffering from their philandering husbands wink* wink*) the good senator from Cavite is now embroiled in a scandal of his own. Reports are now starting to circulate in cyberspace that Senator Revilla's nude (gasp*) photos are now all over the internet.

TALAGANG KAKILA KILABOT!!

According to a report of ABS-C BN news said photos were taken from the movie Kilabot at Kembot which he co starred with Assunta de Rossi.

So if Hayden is a pervert of the highest kind, (like super pervert to the max) is it safe to say that the Senator is a pervert of a lesser degree? In other words where does Senator Revilla rank in lets say the Pervert Military? Kho, Hayden - General. Revilla, Bong - umm Colonel?

Here's a quote from our good senator: "I know for a fact na mayroon ng mga kampong naninira sa akin dahil sa pakikipag-laban kong ito. They have hired PR groups to divert the issue and destroy me but I will not falter." Riiiiight.

Being a true public servant I will not, and I repeat I will not post said picture here, not because of fear from prosecution or impeachment but rather save us all from those ghastly images that maybe ingrained in our minds after seeing such photo. So do not expect to find it here nor would I want to see. I think after seeing Hayden's equipment, I have already reached my seeing other guy's nightstick quota for the whole year.

It would be interesting to see if this "scandal" would make the Senator back off a bit. Hopefully, (please god no) there will not be any Bong Revilla and (insert name here) video scandal that would pop up in the next few hours or days.

Ad hominem.....shoot the messenger.....Hayden -1, Bong -1. LOL

(Sgd) H.E. President of the Philippines

Presidential Circular: Of Hayden-Katrina-Maricar, Bong Revilla, Alec Baldwin, Candy Pangilinan and Charice.

2009-05-20T23:55:00.000-07:00

Malacanan Palace
21 May 2009

How refreshing it is to see that our good senator from Cavite, the Honorable Bong Revilla is actually alive and is in the senate floor, one thing that can not be said about his colleague and fellow actor the Honorable Lito Lapid. A news report even describes Revilla's privilege speech as "rare". Leave it to someone like Hayden Kho to get a rise out of the good senator. How I wish though that instead of this........

he would be doing something else of his time, the kind of thing that people who voted for him would truly appreciate and benefit from....like I dunno? CREATING JOBS???? SOLVING CRIMES?? I know though. The urge to resist this kind of publicity is hard, specially from someone seeking a higher office and one that is a publicity whore. And besides...I don't think the good senator is the best guy to call someone a "maniac" or a "pervert of the highest kind" or something. I mean Bong Revilla? really? Was Jamby busy counting her millions from her Auntie? was Pia Cayetano in Pilates class?

Yes, I have seen one of the videos. I just could not find the urge nor the time to look for all five of them or how many there are out there. But as President I need to educate myself to be able to form an educated opinion of the matter. And to empower those who would like to form an educated opinion as well according to intelligence sources, here is a site where ALLEGEDLY the video of Hayden and Maricar is posted. Shame on these smut peddlers :P

To Katrina and cutie Maricar, don't fret. Just when you think it is the end of the line for the both of you, I give you Paris.....Kim Kardashian and even Vanessa Hudgens to a lesser degree. All of them has parlayed their sex videos into bigger and brighter things. There is hope for you guys. I have heard of no celebrity whose lives were ruined because of a sex video. Empower yourselves, do more of these but this time, make sure its in your own terms.

IT DOES'NT MATTER GIRLS...YOU ARE HOTTTTT

And Hayden..my brother...trim them pubes. Otherwise, gotta give it you man, dunno if there's a market for a pornstar with a cock of a 12 year old but hey, you did it, good luck. You managed to F up your career for your perverse urges but hey more power to you. Oh another thing, we really don't want to see you and your ass as much as you want us to see and ..can you make them videos a little clearer next time? Like HD quality or something.

And then there's Alec Baldwin. One of the Baldwin brothers. Kim Basinger's ex husband.

Alec freakin Baldwin. Are we actually legitimizing the comments made by this dude, whose most recent and significant work was his profanity laced tirade of his then 11 year old daughter? Who cares on what this guy says. It's a joke! I'm still waiting for somebody of significance to say something...anything about the Philippines. Not Baldwin, Not Teri Hatcher, Not Chip Tsao. How about Clooney? Pitt? Denzel? even Cruise!

And while I'm at it.... Candy? sweetie, you know its cool and all but I think I have issued an executive order sometime ago that states that unless you are capable of being picked up in a bar by someone sober, you should not make fun of anyone's appearance except your own. And unfortunately honey, you fall under this category. I do get you though. Your apology was well executed but still is riddled by damage control. Why not just go out there and say yes, I did make fun of Igorots, I am an idiot, and I am sorry, instead of saying you were really talking about the Igorot statue. ..

UMMMM.............NO THANK YOU.

But there is one common denominator in all of these so-called scandals besides insensitivity by the guilty parties. Politicians jumping at every opportunity for their chance to ride the wave of publicity from these scandals/controversies. The Baguio Provincial Council really? for what? for the chance to be interviewed by different media sources? I think the Igorots would appreciate that instead of the time you people spent typing and creating a resolution condemning Candy, you guys would have went to the hinterlands and looked at their plight. Sure I'll give GABRIELA a free pass but there's just something not right about the way they're doing things.

You know what would be nice BUT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN? President Obama or Nelson Mandela writing our consuls about the blatant racial epithets our two biggest networks routinely do on their comedy shows towards black people. They have more pressing issues to tackle, something our leaders never realize since all of them are too pre occupied in making sure their mugs make it to the front pages of all papers and the six o clock news. One time, just one time I hope someone would do this to make us realize that this is just utterly stupid and juvenile.

Now as I go back to the important issues of the day let me leave you with this...Charice Pempengco bringing down the house in the Oprah Winfrey Show with her new single Note to God. Just when you think everything is just going to fall apart...Here she comes to save the day. Now lets just wait which politician would be first in line to commend Charice for a job well done for his own 15 minutes of fame.

Conferment of the Order of Sikatuna on Ronnie Ricketts

2009-05-20T00:25:00.000-07:00

MALACANAN PALACE
20 MAY 2009

CONFERMENT OF THE ORDER OF SIKATUNA ON RONNIE RICKETTS

WHEREAS, This Conferment of the Order of Sikatuna with Rank of Datu is presented to Ronnie Ricketts, also known by the spine-tingling nickname "Rocketts" for being the single most influential, powerful and intimidating Filipino of all time.

WHEREAS, This recognition is given to Ronn-Rick due to the following indisputable facts and my fear of him.

Manny Pacquiao DID NOT knock Ricky Hatton out. Hatton knew Ronnie Ricketts bet on Manny so he decided not to answer the bell.
Manny Pacquiao FEARS Ronnie Ricketts.
PAG ASA is waiting for a typhoon signal No.6 to name it after Ronnie Ricketts
Jose Maria Sison exiled in the Netherlands because of Ronnie Ricketts.
Ronnie Ricketts eats pork with swine flu.
Alec Baldwin will apologize to Filipinos because of Ronnie Ricketts.
"Ang hindi lumingon sa pinanggalingan...sisipain ni Ronnie Ricketts."
"Bato bato sa langit ang tamaan wag magagalit...kasi si Ronnie Ricketts ang bumato"
The disease ricketts was named after Ronnie Ricketts
Mt Pinatubo has been dormant since Ronnie Ricketts yelled at it.
"Nasa tao ang gawa, na kay Ronnie Ricketts ang awa"
Ronnie Ricketts uses arnis to swat flies
Ronnie Ricketts uses arnis to kill people in a more humane way, his fists are just way too hard.
When playing basketball, Ronnie dunks the ball by using his feet.
Nardong Putik used to be stone, he turned into mud after Ronnie Ricketts punched him in the face.
"Lahat ng gubat, may ahas, pwera na lang kung malapit sa bahay ni Ronnie Ricketts"
Ronnie Ricketts does not use toothpicks, he uses a balisong
Ronnie Ricketts performed his own appendectomy.
Mariang Makiling has a crush on Ronnie Ricketts.
In one Lenten Season, Ronnie Ricketts tried to nail himself on the cross but failed. The nail melted in his presence.
Ronnie Ricketts does not use mouthwash, he uses muriatic acid.
The Hukbalahap was not stopped by Ramon Magsaysay. It was Ronnie Ricketts.
Ronnie Ricketts uses a chainsaw to clip his nails.
Ronnie Ricketts plays syato using his arnis.
Ronnie Ricketts uses siling labuyo to clean his eyes.
All aswangs moved to Capiz because of Ronnie Ricketts.

It is of great honor and fear that I, the President of the greatest country in the universe, by the powers vested in me, and by the power of grayskull do confer the Order of Sikatuna on Ronnie Ricketts.

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines
20 May 2009

Presidential Bulletin: Case of Mistaken Identities (Pinoy Celebrity Look a likes)

2009-05-16T00:16:00.000-07:00

PRESIDENTIAL BULLETIN: ADVISORY ON MISTAKEN IDENTITIES

Malacanan Palace
16 May 2009

My countrymen, this bulletin is being disseminated through the office of the press secretary to help in the identification of prominent celebrities who have been suffering from cases of mistaken identities. May this bulletin assist everyone in the proper recognition of such Filipinos.

ALESSANDRA DE ROSSI AND CONGRESSWOMAN DARLENE CUSTODIO

One is currently seen bitching at Kim Chiu, the other just bitch slapped our Pambansang Kamao Manny Pacquiao in the last elections. Both with feisty and fiery personalities.

CHARMEL (of Deal or no Deal) and VIVIAN VELEZ

Perhaps black is the favorite color of these body beautifuls. Charmel's presence in Deal or no Deal brings black, the color of bad luck in every contestant while Vivian donned the Bikining Itim in the movie of the same title.

JESSICA SOHO and FRANKLIN DRILON

Apparently, a TV show for the former Senator and the award winning broadcast journalist is in the works: KANGUSO nyo JESSICA and FRANK.

JESSA ZARAGOSA and TOUCAN SAM

It was BLACK FRIDAY, the biggest shopping day of the year. I woke up early, had my fruit loops and guess who I saw at the GUESS outlet store in Vacaville? Yup Jessa Zaragosa.

ARCHIE ALEMANIA and BEARWIN MEILY

So did Bearwin use his magical powers to clone himself with Archie Alemania. Both comedians, both bald and unmistakenly look-a-likes although I gotta give Archie the upper hand having a cutie wife.

DOMINIC OCHOA and JAKE JOSON (Manny Pacquiao's underwear carrier)

It is finally confirmed. Dominic Ochoa does not work for Manny Pacquiao. It is actually a guy named Jake Joson, one who has no official job description except for being in every picture and every camera shot of Manny that ever existed.

AIKO MELENDEZ and CONNIE SISON (news anchor)

One has moved from Jomari Yllana to Martin Jickain to..I dont know...the other has moved from ABS-CBN to GMA 7. A DNA test is what's needed to finally find out if they are true sisters.

AMANDA PAGE and MILAGRING (of wowowee)

I admit. I watch Wowowee. Why? because it is the only reminder of the girl I was, and will always be in love with: AMANDA PAGE. With Milagring around, I don't miss Amanda Page so much anymore although sometimes I wonder where is Amanda. Amanda where are you?!!!!

JOJO LASTIMOSA and YUL SERVO

I still hate Jolas for that gruesome injury that happened to Samboy Lim. Now whenever I see Yul Servo, the whole Samboy injury still flashes in my head. Samboy goes for the dunk, Jolas clips him from underneath, Samboy flips, his feet almost touching the rim then lands face first....oh my god.

RUFFA MAE QUINTO and FRANCINE PRIETO

Not only do their faces look a like but the biggest resemblance between these two are those two. Look at them quadruplets!

POKWANG and ROSITA (Pinoy Dream Academy)

To my dear yaya.....Yaya Daisy me pag asa pa kayong mag artista. Tingnan mo nga sila o. So keep on practicing on our Magic Mic. Malay mo i revive nyo yung group nina Manilyn noong araw, yung Triplets.

BUTCH FRANCISCO and JOSEPH BITANGCOL

Well, at least we have seen Joseph kiss a guy, a thing that people wonder if Butch Francisco does.

BEA ALONZO and YASMIN KURDI

Did Bea Alonzo switch to GMA? Then I realized its not her but someone who looks exactly like her! Do they both like to eat? It kinda looks like it too, although Kurdi claims she's a vegan, whatever that means.

WILLIE REVILLAME and FANNY SERRANO

If Willie likes to be called Papi...Fanny likes to call Fafas. One likes to say wowoweee, one says wiheeeeeeee

DAWN ZULUETA and NANCY CASTILIOGNE

A classic beauty and a classic case of schizophrenia? Dunno but I do like a quirky girl you know. Its kinda dangerously sexy.

JOBERT SUCALDITO and ........

My apologies. I do not intend to be mean. Really. I just could not resist it. Again to the horse, I am really sorry.

JOHN LAPUS and JOY VIADO

It's dark...you're in a bar....you're on your 8th beer...Joy or John?

MAUI TAYLOR and MAHAL

You want your 13 year old son to stop masturbating? Print this right away and post it in your son's room. Once he realizes that he might as well be Jimboy he'll tell you he'd never do it again.

BB GANDANGHARI and CARMINA VILLAROEL

My grandma always said that if two people looked a like, they would end up together. Too bad BB Gandanghari is a woman if not she would have ended up with Carmina Villaroel...OH WAIT...THEY WERE MARRIED TO EACH OTHER! DUH!

May this bulletin serve its purpose. God bless the Philippines!

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines
16 May 2009

Letters to the President

2009-05-14T17:55:00.000-07:00

Malacanan Palace
14 May 2009

In less than a month in office, I would like to say that the response to my administration has been overwhelmingly positive, and to that I thank each and everyone of you. Thank you for the comments and emails, I do appreciate them. It's a good reminder that there are people out there that are interested in what I have to say. So today I would like to share with you several emails from our countrymen and my response/s to said letters.

Dear Mr. President,

Not that it matters but, are you going to endorse anyone for the 2010 polls? If yes, why and if not why not? (Malabo ba tanong ko ?)

- Naguguluhan (Toronto, Canada)

Naguguluhan, thanks for your email. I probably will endorse someone for president although there is also a big possibility that I might not. Lets just say right now, like a high school student, I have a lot of crushes, but none of them has made me lets just say "kilig." If someone comes across and makes me swoon like a high school student in a Jonas Brothers concert, that might sway my vote.

Mr. President,

In one of your first entries, I think the first one, I saw someone ask you about your stand on CHA CHA, gay marriage etc. I am really curious on what you think about gay marriage. Thanks for your time.

- F. Castro (San Francisco, California)

Hi Mr/Ms Castro. I intend to do a position paper on gay marriage in the coming days but since you asked, all I can say is: have'nt they suffered enough? Look, if someone is stupid enough to submit oneself to another person, well go right ahead! Marriage is overrated anyway. If they want to suffer like us heteros, well, be my guest.

Mr. President,

I noticed that you are a basketball fan. Boston? LA? Denver? Houston? Cleveland?

- Hoopster007 (Riyadh, Saudi Arabia)

Basketball is a passion of mine. Count me among one of the millions of delusional Filipinos who thinks that if I was 6'3 I could play in the NBA. I do have a sweet jumper, not quite Ray Allen like but close to Allan Caidic. I did win an MVP award just two years ago. Anyway, during these playoffs, I am back to my usual role of a stoic basketball fan since the Warriors are once again out of the post season, so I do not have any vested interest in any of the teams still playing. But for me ANYONE BUT THE LAKERS. The Lakers have the most bandwagon fans in the entire universe. Laker fans now were the Chicago Bulls fans during the Jordan days, who became Rockets fans during Olajuwon, who became San Antonio fans when Shaq left LA, and now are back to being Laker Fans. Its sad. I do like the Nuggets since they remind me of the We Believe Warriors of two years ago, but it just looks like Lebron James' year. He is what we thought Michael Jordan would be if MJ was 6'9.

Mr. President,

What is your favorite song? Color? Movie? What is the presidential car? What is love?

- Carlo (Manila, Philippines)

Carlo, sana pinapirma mo na lang ako ng slumbook. Anyway to answer your question, I don't think there's one answer to each of them but I'm going to try and wittle it down anyway. Song: Tenderness, Build me up Buttercup, Just got Lucky, Kapag Tumibok ang Puso. I like songs that makes me bounce up and down, lift my hands up, and give me good vibes. Hate sappy ones and those tunes drug addicts like. Color: Green. People have said I look best in green (they probably think I'm a leprechaun or Shrek) Movie: May Minamahal is one of my favorites of all time, local or foreign. Takbo Peter Takbo is a classic, which stars Chiquito and Coney Reyes. It's a prelude to 28 days after or Night of the Living Dead. Elvis and James Part 1 is one of the best I've seen as well, specially when Rene Requiestas went to Baguio wearing a "hunghang" shirt. Foreign, well I loved Crash, the Rocky series, Rudy, Shooting Fish (I saw this movie with 3 other people inside the movie theatre, one of Kate Beckinsale's first movies) Presidential Car: an '08 Japanese Car and a '01 American Minivan. Love: I used to say Love is Lagablab in high school since I think it's ridiculous to ask such a question. Why don't you ask me who is my crush and I might just tell you. Pasensya na napahaba ang sagot ko.

Mr. President,

I stumbled upon your blog searching the net for portable washing machines. Eversince that time, I have enjoyed reading all your blog entries. My question is do you intend to change the feel of your blog to appeal to more people? The reason I asked is I sent a link to a friend of mine and she said she does'nt get it.

- Tina (Laguna, Philippines)

Tina, I get what you're trying to say. I myself admit that this blog does not have that mass appeal. I don't know if that's by design but hey it is what it is. But tell your friend to come back and read it the second time, and she might just like it. The blog is kinda like that not so hot girl at the bar. Once you've had a few beers, it becomes a little bit more attractive that you might just take it home.

Mr. President,

Will you ever upload a picture of yourself? Just curious.

- Joanne (Seattle, Washington)

Joanne, I'm nothing to look at believe you me. But hey if you're really curious, I am all over the internet. You just gotta know where to look.

Anyway, I hope I've answered a few of your questions. There are a few more in the mailbag that I'm going to try and compile and answer in one sitting. I encourage everyone to send your comments and ANY questions you need answers for and I am going to try and answer them truthfully and in a timely manner. There is no such thing as a stupid question, only stupid people who ask them. I hope to hear from you soon. Email me: Usda_gradeameat at yahoo dot com.

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines

Proclamation No. 2: Recognition of FOBlish as an Official Language of the Philippines

2009-05-13T13:22:00.000-07:00

Malacanan Palace
13 May 2009

RECOGNITION OF FOBLISH AS AN OFFICIAL LANGUAGE OF THE REPUBLIC OF THE PHILIPPINES

WHEREAS, FOBlish is a language used by more than 6 million Filipinos, widely spoken in the United States of America, Hongkong, Saudi Arabia, Canada, United Kingdom, and other countries where there are a huge concentration of Filipinos.

WHEREAS, New immigrants are confused whenever they interact with native English speakers since they think they are speaking English when in fact they are speaking FOBlish, thus the confusion

WHEREAS, FOBlish is based on the English language but is not English. The word FOBlish is derived from the acronym FOB which means Fresh Off the Boat. It is an indigenous language brought over from the Philippines, (usually those who carry their X rays and visas) to foreign lands and gives Filipinos the notion that they are speaking English.

DO THOSE VISA ENVELOPES WITH X RAYS COUNT AS HAND CARRY??

SECTION 1: A partial list of the following words and/or phrases are now officially classified as FOBLISH and not English (with translations)

A SALA SET

ENGLISH FOBLISH

COUCH SALA SET
PERIOD MENS
SLIPPERS STEP IN
SANDALS HAPPY FEET
SNEAKERS TENNIS SHOES
HANG ON TIME FIRST, TIME FIRST
MATHEMATICS ARITHMETIC
MOBILE PHONE CELL PHONE
READY GAME
SODA SOFT DRINKS
FOR HERE DINE IN
TO GO TAKE OUT
BILL CHIT
JUST A MINUTE FOR A WHILE
HOME PHONE LAND LINE
SUPER NES FAMILY COMPUTER

MUSIC SOUNDS

REFRIGERATOR FRIGIDAIRE
BOOMBOX COMPONENT
CAR WHEELS
RIMS MAGS
ORANGE JUICE EIGHT O CLOCK
SWITCH OFF THE LIGHTS CLOSE THE LIGHTS
CRACKERS BISCUIT
PANCAKES HOTCAKES
FLOURESCENT LAMP DAYLIGHT
CHANGE COINS
TOOTHPASTE COLGATE
BLEACH CLOROX
TWO WEEKS AGO LAST LAST WEEK
AC AIRCON
TO PASS OVERTAKE
ALL YOU CAN EAT EAT ALL YOU CAN
PICTURES KODAKS

THONG T - BACK
BUS STOP WAITING SHED
PATIO TERRACE
VCR VHS
EYE CRUST MORNING GLORY
HAIR STRAIGHTENING REBOND
PADS (SANITARY) NAPKINS
RESTROOM BATHROOM
LIVING ROOM SALA
WINDOW PANELS JALOUSY
EXTRA LARGE JUMBO

I, the President of the greatest country in the universe, and by the power of grayskull do hereby declare this proclamation as final and executory effective immediately.

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines

Executive Order No.5: The Tricycle Code of 2009

2009-05-12T03:39:00.000-07:00

Malacanan Palace
12 May 2009

Executive Order No. 5: The Tricycle Code of 2009

WHEREAS, Tricycles are the most readily available and still the most affordable motorized mode of transportation.

WHEREAS, The need for an executive order in the operation and usage of tricycles in the country is warranted for the safety and welfare of all Filipinos.

SECTION 1: From now on, all over the archipelago, drivers are not to allow special trips from 4pm to 8pm. It does not matter if a passenger offers to pay 500 pesos to take her home, being a selfish bitch has no place in a tricycle, let alone in this world. What kind of self centered asshole would take a trip alone knowing that there are close to a thousand people in the line behind her? If you take satisfaction from knowing that everyone in the terminal sees you in a tricycle ALONE you have some serious issues. And you know what, you are not special...YOU ARE IN A TRICYCLE!

AN INCONSIDERATE PRICK ENJOYING HIS RIDE

SECTION 2: For the safety of all Filipinos, there shall be a limit of five (5), I repeat, five LIVING THINGS in a tricycle at one time, including the driver. Yes, goats, pigs, chickens, carabaos and cows count as living things, so they do count towards the five maximum. A maximum of three passengers can occupy the inside car, and the driver plus another passenger can occupy the motorcycle itself.

That metal grill at the back of the motorcycle itself IS NOT A GODDAMN SEAT. If it was, SUZUKI would have put some cushioning on it don't you think?

ROAD SAFETY AT ITS FINEST

In addition, the gas tank IS NOT A CHILD SEAT. Drivers are to be adviced to leave their children in their homes. Contrary to what drivers might think it is not enjoyable for children to sit on the gas tank, especially when those kids have no pants on. Being president, the days of bare asses touching bare metal are officially over.

DISNEYLAND HAS NOTHING ON THIS RIDE

Also pigs cannot be hogtied and thrown at the roof of the sidecar as well as goats at the back of said sidecar. They are about to be slaughtered, they do not need the added stress of thinking they could die in a traffic accident.

"BOSS SAAN TAYO?"

SECTION 3: Music will now be prohibited while the vehicle is in motion. I do get the need of having music on these vehicles, they are specially useful while waiting for passengers in the terminal. But there is no freaking way music should be played while a tricycle is running since you can't hear it anyway! Unless of course, you turn the volume up to sonic boom levels. By then, between the roar of the tricycle motor and the blaring sound from the speakers which seems to be all treble or all bass but never in harmony, you are already half deaf.

SECTION 4: Drivers should not pick up passengers traveling less than 500 yards. USE YOUR FEET AND WALK! This practice contributes to the epidemic known as obesity. It does not matter if its 200 degrees outside, work up a sweat and walk because God knows how much you need to lose some pounds, fatty. The only exception to this if the tricycle is hired to carry LPG or Gasul. I know how much of a pain it is to carry LPG tanks to and from your suking tindahan. Those are a definite pain in the ass if I ever saw one. LPG tanks are the most ergonomically wrong object ever known to man. The handles do not fit, you cannot roll or drag the damn thing for fear of explosion, it's shape is weird, and it is as heavy as a motha!!!!!!!

SECTION 5: Drivers wearing sandos.........deodorant please. or tawas. or something. I beg you. UTANG NA LOOB!!!!

SHETTTTT BANGO NI BOSSING!!!

SECTION 6: Drivers should observe proper posture while driving. Hanging sideways, just like what dogs would do in cars will be strictly prohibited. It does not look cool people. It does not add to your coolness factor, you are in fact driving a tricycle.

I as the President of the greatest country in the universe, by the powers vested in me, and by the power of grayskull do hereby declare this order effective immediately.

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines
12 May 2009

President's Mother's Day Greeting

2009-05-10T11:47:00.000-07:00

Malacanan Palace
10 May 2009

Here is a poem written by my brother Pastor Ed 2.0 to our mother. (yes I do have a brother who is a pastor....)

A Child's Gratefulness
(BY PASTOR ED 2.0)

I thank our Heavenly Father
for giving me a mother like you

You were always there -
to love, care and share

You gave your life,
blood, sweat and tears
to see us through

God wanted to touch us
that's why He gave us – you!

TOCILOG: BREAKFAST OF SUPERHEROES

From all of us, Edmon, Chel, the President, Eric, Betsy
To the best mom in the whole wide world -

WE LOVE YOU!
MOMMY MONETTE!!

To all the mothers out there....you are the real superheroes! Happy mother's day.

Careless Whisper: State of Emergency (The Katrina Halili and Hayden Kho "scandal")

2009-05-09T19:06:00.000-07:00

UPDATE: Check the front page for the latest Hayden sexcapades

From the President's desk

I feel so unsure,
As I take your hand and lead you to the dance floor.
As the music dies...
Something in your eyes,
Calls to mind a silver screen,
And all those sad goodbyes.

Chorus
I'm never gonna dance again,
Guilty feet have got no rhythm. (uhuh you got that right)
Though its easy to pretend,
I know youre not a fool. (dunno about that buddy..)

I should have no better than to cheat a friend (ehem)
And waste the chance that Id been given.
So I'm never gonna dance again,
The way I danced with you.
Chorus

Time can never mend,
The careless whispers of a good friend.
To the heart and mind,
If your answers kind...
Theres no comfort in the truth,
Pain is all youll find.

Repeat chorus

What am I without your love?

Tonite the music seems so loud,
I wish that we could lose the crowd.
Maybe its better this way,
Wed hurt each other with the things we want to say.

We could have been so good together,
We could have made this last forever...
But now, whos gonna dance with me?
Please stay.
(alternatively):
And now its never gonna be
That way...

Repeat chorus

Now that youre gone...
Now that youre gone...
Now that youre gone...
Was what I did so wrong?
So wrong that you had to leave me alone?

a few points

- Ms. Halili, from that vantage point is...hot
- Dr. Kho, lose the bandana
shut your trap and don't sing

and........

Happy Mother's Day Dra. Belo

HANGALAN 2010: The Countdown to the Presidential Elections of 2010 (Series 1: Manny Villar)

2009-05-07T16:51:00.000-07:00

May 2009. A year from now we are going to elect the next President of this country, the next would be savior from a long list of failures who all tried to save us from the depths of despair, but to no avail.

Today up until the 2010 elections, will be the beginning of the first part of many wherein we profile all the presidentiables, everyone who has the audacity to replace me as President of the Philippines. We are all going to get a closer look at the candidates, and with this information hopefully it would enable us to make an informed decision if and when of course the elections of 2010 would come about.

(first of many many parts ang dami kasing tatakbo)

Manuel "Manny" Villar
"Mr. Sipag at Tiyaga"
Party Affiliation: Nacionalista
Hometown: Las Pinas City
Current Position: Senator
Born: December 13, 1949
University of the Philippines
Bachelor of Arts in Business Administration
Odds of Winning the Presidency: 1-50
www.mannyvillar.com.ph

The former Senate President has made it known for quite somehow of his interest to run for the highest office of the land and everyone including his rivals has taken notice of it. The Las Pinero is currently embroiled in a Senate investigation (headed by another presidentiable Ping Lacson) regarding a double entry in the national budget for the C5 road extension in his bailiwick Las Pinas City.

A self made man, Villar made money when he started one of the biggest developers in the Philippines, Camella and Palmera Homes. He is currently ranked 5th richest Filipino by Forbes Magazine.

What's going for him: Well the dude has one of the most important components in running for the presidency: MOOLAH. The guy is going to spend ridiculous amounts of it, no matter if the water runs dry in Camella Homes. Having money and being a successful businessman, there is also that perception that he would not steal money from the coffers of the government since he has too much of it already.

He does have some mass appeal, attributed perhaps for being someone who rose from the common folk to one of the most successful businessmen in the country. Also, his use of Tagalog perhaps endears him to many.

The revitalization of the Nacionalista Party is also a good move as it gives legitimacy to his campaign, instead of running under a party that is hastily made with a stupid acronym, just like what is common during elections.

What would hurt him: A indictment because of the c5 controversy. He needs to get out of this investigation quickly as his opponents will surely capitalize and drag this as long as possible. He also needs to get his spin doctors ready if and when this happens. Also, a complaint of a homeowner from Camella might be detrimental during these times so he needs to make sure that there is water in the subdivision at all times.

Would win if: He shows more of her super cute daughter Camille, and land a big endorsement from one of the country's superstars. We need to see that the future occupants of Malacanang would be at least pleasant looking, one that it's current occupants surely can't claim.

CUTIE FUTURE FIRST DAUGHTER

He also needs to remain relevant in the public's eyes. A nice one on one interview with a talk show would only prove beneficial as he does lack a little bit in the charm department. He needs to start polishing his singing skills as well. Also needs an updated haircut as his hair bothers the hell out of me. He needs to start picking up the pace and create buildup into the campaign season. A big housing give away wouldnt hurt either. (I'll take a condo unit please thank you very much)

Villar has more than a fighter's chance to win the presidency. Money is indeed a great ally in the quest for Malacanang. As attractive as the presidency is, the VP post is one that he could also look at just to complete his license plate collection being a congressman (8), Senator (7), Speaker of the House (4), and Senate President (3).

Executive Order No. 4: Communication Act of 2009

2009-05-06T16:07:00.000-07:00

Malacanan Palace

07 May, 2009

The Communication Act of 2009

Being president I have mastered the art of communicating with different heads of states without offending them. It is really important for us world leaders to follow a certain decorum to prevent disagreements which as history has shown could lead to catastrophic circumstances.

WHEREAS, As president I feel that it is my duty to help all citizens learn this said art to prevent misunderstandings between people. Harmony and peace are integral parts of a happy society, since we all know that a happy society is a productive society.

WHEREAS, Technology has come a long way and with this, one of it's biggest beneficiaries is the improvements on how we communicate with each other. From the telephone, your party line, phone pal, crossline (one number that you call where 50 other people are talking simultaneously) pocketbell, to easy call to beeper 150 (which I used to steal from my mom and ask my sister to leave me a message so the pager would beep just at the precise moment when I'm about to board the jeep that takes me from the central station to Espana) to cellphones and now to IM, email, text and skype, we have seen its evolution.

GET THE MESSAGE EASY CALL!
(PHOTO FROM 1-day-at-a-time.blogspot.com)

Effective immediately, I the President of the greatest country in the universe, and by the power of grayskull hereby order:

Section 1: When on the phone, No one should ever ask the question: "Anong ginagawa mo?" ummm hello? I kinda knew you're not well put together but this just confirms it. What would you like me to say? Oh nothing I'm just trying to find the cure to cancer. And you know what makes it worse? When after giving the most preposterous of answers to the anong ginagawa mo, you respond with "Ahhhh...ganun ba" like you actually believe what I told you is even possible. Look, if you really don't have anything to say, you shouldn't be wasting both of our cell minutes. Ask about the dog, the job, something...just don't ask me what the heck I'm doing when you know exactly what I'm doing.

"HELLO ANONG GINAGAWA MO?...."
"ETO KAUSAP KA, ME PHONE BOOTH SA ULO"

"AHHHH...."

Section 2: Yahoo instant messaging is free, therefore there is no reason for anyone to use text language when using said service. You don't pay per word nor per send and you still find a way to shorten words that you shouldn't even shorten? It's either you're lazy, stupid or both. Oh and ladies if someone im's you "MIS NA U" you should start thinking of blocking this person from your friends' list. If all he can muster is a shortened version of I miss you (which only consists of eight letters) and expects to get laid, that is a big red flag right there. Besides, it just looks stupid. A poor excuse for someone who can't spell!

Section 3: When greeting someone you have'nt seen for a while, the last thing you should ever say would be: "Huy tumataba ka a!" These are fighting words. Very dangerous words. It is not only condescending, it is disrespectful. Therefore, murdering, mauling or maiming anyone who says this to you is permissible without fear of repercussion from the law.

"TUMATABA KA A..."
"SALAMAT HA .. MAMAMATAY KA DIN"

Your intention probably is good and all but there is no effing way you should say this to anyone. As far as I know us Filipinos are the only ones who ever use this greeting in the entire world. I mean can you imagine saying this to an American co worker? to a Japanese? And how the heck do you expect to respond to that? Are you supposed to thank the person who noticed that you are gaining some poundage? Great, thanks for telling me! What positive reinforcement ! You do know we have mirrors at the house right?...and you do know i have been trying to lose weight for about seven years now...thanks bitch!

Section 4: Espionage is a felony and it is espionage when you ask someone the question: "Saan ka pupunta?" Ok first of all, it is none of your freakin business. Second of all, if I wanted you to know where I was going I would've asked you to go with me. Third of all, what is it to you?

"SAAN KAYA SYA PUPUNTA?"

For now, these are few rules to go by when communicating with each other. Hopefully with these guidelines, it would foster camaraderie between all Filipinos, which would be the key for world peace.

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines
07 May 2009

Executive Order No. 3: A Guideline on Television Shows (Sunday Variety)

2009-05-05T22:29:00.000-07:00

Malacanan Palace
05 May 2009

SUBJECT: A SET OF GUIDELINES TO ENSURE THE WATCHABILITY OF TV SHOWS

IS THERE REALLY A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO?

WHEREAS, My Administration is committed to ensuring that every Filipino, all things bright and beautiful, all creatures big and small, all things bright and wonderful, especially in the television industry will be given the opportunity to earn money in these hard economic times.

WHEREAS, The public must be able to enjoy quality musical entertainment specially on a Sunday. Ideally as President I would love to see families go outside and have fun, but I do understand the difficulty in might bring. Since public TV viewing is a public issue, effective immediately:

SECTION 1: No production number should have performers more than five unless its a full orchestra or is a reproduction of a stage play. Under no circumstances that a Filipino would need to listen to three or four hosts mouthing the names of the performers Kim, Gerald, Matt, Melissa, the ASF dancers, (I'm totally lost at this point) Echo, Karylle, (hingal*) the G Force, the Bayanihan dancers, Billy, Nikki, Shaina, Some dude, (are you guys still counting?) Aling Patring, Mang Isko.........I MEAN WHAT THE HELL! Why not include the whole band? Are they not special enough for you? How about the poor soul that mopped the floor before you guys started this madness? I see....they are not stars. And what makes you think you guys are? Also, hey Jed Madela...really how old are you?

SECTION 2: Cameras should not twist, turn, go upside down or juggle when trying to capture a dance number. Viewers should not be needing to take Bonamine to be able to watch TV. It is hard enough for us to focus on center stage let alone trying to watch 10 people trying to dance at the same time. If we wanted to be dizzy, we would have opted to go ride a roller coaster instead or watched the Blair Witch Project.

THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE WATCHING THEIR CAMERA ANGLES

Oh and unless Mickey Perz manages to lose 30 pounds or magically or surgically transfers his upper body to someone else's he has no business dancing on TV. The first time I saw him, I asked the staff to check my HDTV settings if there's anything wrong with my TV. Watching him is like watching an unfunny version of Chris Farley.

PATRICK SWAYZE WITH MICKEY PERZ ..err CHRIS FARLEY

Section 3: screaming, yelling and histrionics will no longer be allowed while singing. That's why its called singing, not screaming on the top of your lungs. And who is to blame for all of these? The one that started it all...the one...the only...the SCREAMIN SONGBIRD OF ASIA "I'm Regine Freaking Velasquez"

"IM A AM A DI-DI-VA"

Reg, I ain't mad at you. For reals. I gotta give you props for everything you've accomplished. From a skinny, unrefined barrio lass from Bulacan to the ultimate diva of Philippine showbusiness. That is not too shabby I must say.

Look, I get it. We get it. Your vocal range is stuff of legends. You can sing, you wouldn't be where you are right now if you can't right? But to scream on the top of your lungs......every waking hour of the day????? Like every song?

You just don't know how many times I would scream "Ano ba yang hiyawan ng hiyawan dito! Natutulog ang tao e!" Only to find out that no one in the palace was screaming, instead it was you onTV. I mean in one instance, I thought it was the Cabinet screaming because we were being attacked by East Timor. I could have declared war on them for crying out loud. waking up to your singing is hazardous to any one's health, all the more for the highest official of the land.

THIS COULD HAVE HAPPENED

Every aspiring singer in this country looks up to you. Fame, fortune. Who wouldn't want that? In you, every parent saw the potential of their kids (talented or not) to be their ticket out of poverty. Countless of kids being drowned in drums of water, emulating what Tatay Gerry did to you when you were a kid. But look at what you've done to all of them. Three year olds whom has barely developed their body parts let alone their vocal chords trying to reach high notes, comparable to when Tarzan screams in the jungle?

It's not even singing anymore, it's screaming plain and simple. Have you ever heard of the word OVERKILL? So just relax, enjoy the song....and sing please. Oh and yeah by the way Sheryn Regis....don't even try...ugh! That goes for you too Jonalyn Viray. Try joining the church choir.

SPARE US FROM THESE TWO PLEASE

SECTION 4: REHEARSE for the love of God! Is that too much to ask? You have a whole week to learn a dance or a song, you get paid good money and still many of these performers butcher it like it was just given to them a day before. I can even tolerate a few off keys here and there but to forget the lyrics of a song your paid to sing? You just gotta be kidding me.

SECTION 5: Let singers sing and dancers dance. Aside from the occasional Gary V or Sarah Geronimo, (barely) singers who are paid to sing and dancers who are asked to dance should stick to their expertise. You wouldn't want a plumber to do bypass surgery on you right? And what happens to those who can't do either and still manages to be on either Sunday show? Either quit or stick to reading ads for Tamayo's catering or Waffle time.

CATERING BY WAFFLE TIME

And unless you consider one who sounds like a werewolf howling, or one whose balls are being squeezed the living daylights out of as singing, SAM MILBY is not a singer.

REALLY NOW?

I am fully aware that as the commander in chief I shouldn't be wasting my time watching these TV shows they brand as entertainment but I have to admit, my childhood was spent being tortured by Kuya germs' GMA Supershow so it is what it is. If you really look at it, Sunday variety shows are a part of the nation's psyche, a part of Filipiniana. There is nothing more Filipino than having lunch while Janno, or Martin or Ogie are singing in the background.

THE BELLESTAAAAAAAR DAANNNCEEERRRRSS!!

So I, the president of the greatest country in the universe, by the powers vested in me, and by the power of grayskull order these guidelines valid effective immediately.

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines