SUNDOT KULANGOT (quick look on news around you)

MALACANAN PALACE
31 August 2009

Judy Ann Santos and Sarah Geronimo to make a movie together.
To capitalize on the afternoon teleserye Kambal sa Uma, the title of the Juday Sarah G movie will be: Kambal sa Pisngi. Also starring Cherrie Pie Picache and Roxanne Guinoo. Charice Pempengco might do a cameo.

Kris Aquino to style brother Noynoy.
How about giving the guy a haircut first Kris? Shave that ghastly comb over already.

Show me the Manny premieres on TV.
I watched it, and its an hour of my life I won't ever get back. Fuck.

I declare everything I own - Mikey Arroyo.
Yeah uhuh, suuuuuuure.

Boobs ni Gretchen nagpupumiglas.
Let me set them free

No cheating in 2010, poll aspirants vow
Yeah uhuh, suuuuuuure.

Nadia Montenegro has no plan of managing the career of daughter Inah.
Me career?

Carlo J Caparas to run as senator.
Putang ina naman talaga oo!

Tayong Dalawa increases PMA applications
What's next? Mas dadami ang mga menor de edad na mabubuntis dahil sa Katorse?

First Gentleman, GMA must explain role. - Gordon
Asa ka pa.

Japeth Aguilar nixes PBA, plays for Smart Gilas
May PBA pa?

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines

MTRCB, Online Petitioners....LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE!!

Malacanan Palace
28 August 2009

The continuing saga of the Wowowee incident has taken a new life , as reports has surfaced that Willie Revillame is now seriously considering running for an elective office in the national elections of 2010. As expected, a good number of politicians are now enticing Revillame to be part of their ticket either running as Senator or WORSE, VICE PRESIDENT OF THE PHILIPPINES.

PLEASE GOD NO. PARANG AWA NYO NA.

This came about as ABS-CBN has extended Revillame's exile from the show until September 29. Here is the network's official statement:

In the interest of self-regulation, ABS-CBN has availed of the conciliation process under Section 6, Rule 7, of the MTRCB Rules of Procedures, regarding the incidents involving Mr. Willie Revillame in the Program Wowowee. After having considered the facts, issues and terms of self-regulation to be imposed in the pertinent cases, the MTRCB has approved the same.

WHEREOF, the ABS-CBN shall undertake to perform the following:

1. Extend Mr. Revillame’s leave until 20 September 2009, and

2. Remove the present dance segment of Luningning and Saicy.

FURTHER, ABS-CBN reiterates that it is fully aware of its legal and moral responsibilities as a broadcaster and shall undertake to continue to uphold the values and customs of the Filipino viewing public.

OMFG. Really. Let me say it again. OMFG. Who is to blame for all of this? The online petition to oust Willie from Wowowee and the inutile MTRCB.

If we had just let Willie do whatever he does in his own little show, and live in his own little world, everything would be fine and dandy. he could satisfy his narcissistic tendencies in his show with the old little ladies, TFC subscribers and those who allow themselves to be ridiculed for 5,000 pesos, this would have never happened. Now Revillame's ego has been shot and he is thinking in his puny little brain of his that winning an election would be the best way for him to massage his massive ego. And you know whats scary folks? Willie might just win. Fuck me.

Now all of us has to suffer. Thanks Mr. Saguisag (online petitioner) Thanks MTRCB. Diyos ko naman, tigilan na natin si Willie. Ayan tuloy kung ano ano ang kagagaguhang iniisip. Are Lito Lapid and Bong Revilla not enough? Kung ayaw nyo kay Willie punyeta wag kayong manood. AYAN TULOY MADADAMAY NA TAYONG MGA PILIPINO.

STOP IT! BRING WILLIE BACK LAGUARDIA!!!

I probably do not need to enumerate the things that could, would or will happen if Willie holds public office. Para doon sa mga hindi ma gets, here read it: WILLIE REVILLAME VICE PRESIDENT OF THE PHILIPPINES.

So let me say this. WILLIE PLEASE COME BACK TO WOWOWEE. We goddamn miss you. Please entertain us (gulp*) again. Sing those songs that make us realize how beautiful life is. No one would really stop you if you just barge in in your show right? Just go. Stop thinking. Don't you miss the adulation of millions and millions of your minions?

Lesson to be learned here people. Mag isip ng milyong beses bago gumawa ng isang bagay. That online petition was well and good on the surface, but look at what it has taken us. The prospect of Revillame being Vice President of the Philippines. May God help us all.

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines

Executive Order 7: Abolition of Field Demonstration in Schools

Malacanan Palace
17 July 2009

SUBJECT: Abolition of Field Demonstrations in Schools.

WHEREAS, Field demonstrations are always the centerpiece of every foundation day disregarding the fact that this activity is nothing but torture and is borderline exploitative of young children.

WHEREAS, More often than not, songs used for this exercise are of the lamest and the gayest kind such as Rico Mambo and any Madonna or Michael Jackson song in the 80s, Cant Touch this or New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys in the 90s and 00's and now the equally annoying Jai Ho of the past year or two.

WHEREAS, Field demonstrations serves no purpose whatsoever and only states the obvious. The only ones who enjoy prancing under 100 degree heat in ridiculous costumes are confused or already GAY.

THIRD KID. DEFINITELY GAY

WHEREAS, Generations upon generations of school children have been suffering from the embarrassment that is field demonstrations causing long lasting emotional trauma.

WHEREAS, Contrary to what people think, field demos are NOT cute, plain and simple and has no place in a civilized society.

Educators and school administrators who will be found guilty of disregarding this order will be subject to the same humiliation our kids are subjected to. Then probably they will finally understand WTF they are asking kids to do.

As the President of the greatest country in the universe, by the power vested in me, and by the power of grayskull, I hereby declare this executive order effective immediately.

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines
26 August 2009

Who should take Willie's place on Wowowee?

15 August 2009

My first response to this question should be: "WHO CARES!" Who really has time to watch? Or who does? Until I remembered that when Willie Revillame disrespected the late President Cory Aquino in that August 4 show, two of my aunts and a cousin were actually in the studios of ABS-CBN watching the show live.

BYE BYE WOWOWEE?

So yes, I recorded the said show on my DVR. So imagine my shock when instead of seeing my relatives give it their all for an attempt of face time on TV, I got to see the blasphemous act done by Mr. Revillame. And after watching the show approximately 17 times, even the staunchest Revillame apologist would agree that it will take close to a miracle for Willie to get out of it.

With that outburst, people rushed to crucify Revillame and we all know what happened after that. He apologized, and now is "indefinitely suspended" by ABS-CBN. And now according to reports, Willie is even considering leaving the show altogether.

KAWAWA-WEE?

Whether you like it or not Revilllame has a massive fan base of mostly elderly overseas Filipinos, and the poorest of the poor who sadly enough are the ones always exploited on the show. If reports are accurate the guy makes a million pesos per show to ply his garbage everyday on national television. He is so huge he is not merely a name, he is a figure of speech, a part of the national lexicon, a state of mind.

Nowadays, it is not uncommon to hear kids say "Mommy is kuya winillie revillame na naman ako kaya ako natalo!" Or guys going: "pare wala namang willie revillamehan ng shota" further proof of how this guy's enormous stature.

So now the question is: Should Wowowee cease to exist? or Who should take Willie's place on Wowowee.

HE LIKES DICK

Roderick Paulate - Experienced host, veteran comedian and more importantly has managed to become less annoying over the years to the point that he is actually watchable. Another plus for the guy who likes dick, I mean the guy who we call Dick, he doesn't mumble his words, we can actually understand what he's saying unlike Willie who resorts to yelling all the time.

CONVENTIONAL CHOICE

Randy Santiago - One of Willie's fillers when he's unavailable. The safe choice. But there lies the problem. SAFE = Boring. Also he is such a good friend of Willie, I just dont think he could take his job from him. But of course, we've seen friendships crushed this way in reel and real life.

VOVOVEE?

Vhong Navarro - If he replaces Willie, it would be seamless. The opening spiel Giling-Giling could just be replaced by Pamela Wan, and they could even replace the shows' title from Wowowee to Vovovee. He can provide energy that could be entertaining in noontime. Can you imagine him and Luningning in a dance showdown? Well you go ahead and imagine that, I won't. Vhong is young, the dude can dance and just like noontime hosts Vic Sotto, Joey de Leon, and Willie himself has sired children from different women already. Further proof that he belongs in that exclusive company.

WHERE ARE YOU?

Bayani Agbayani - Before we consider him as Willie's replacement we got to find out first where the hell he is. What? Where? He is still alive? OK then.

WOULD HE DO IT AGAIN?

Arnell Ignacio - He actually has replaced Willie when he got canned from that "Sana Ma-divirginize ka na" remark from Magandang Tanghali Bayan. Ignacio found out that doing this gig, and competing head-to-head versus the three headed monster that is TVJ is insurmountable. Would he do it again? Highly doubtful but he is not really doing anything right now so maybe.

HOW MUCH WOULD IT TAKE ALLAN?

Allan K - A longshot. But some to think of it, Tito Vic and Joey started off as hosts of Eat Bulaga's rival show in the 70s and 80s' Student Canteen. What would make Allan K jump ship and face the kings of noontime? As we say, everyone has a price. Would Allan K bite?

IS HE READY FOR NOONTIME?

Ryan Agoncillo - Out of left field replacement for Willie. Observers might say a little too conyo for such a "masa" show until you realize the guy is the host of the number 1 Saturday show "Talentadong Pinoy" on TV5, and IS married to Judy Ann Santos. What can be more masa than that? Although would he dare face Eat Bulaga, where he maintains a good relationship with TVJ? He was even in the Iskul Bukol reunion movie. We'll see.

YOU'RE OK POKIE.

Pokwang - I have seen the show while Willie was gone and I have to say Pokwang is handling the job admirably. Which is sad because if Willie wasnt such a camera hog, we would have realized Pokwangs' talents sooner. Although she is doing her best, I dont think she could sustain doing this by herself. For now yes, but sooner or later the TFC subsriber lolos and lolas would start looking for Willie himself. By the way if were going to rename the show Vovovee for Vhong Navarro, we should rename the show Pokpokkee for Pokwang.

Other names that could be given consideration would be John Lloyd Cruz, Billie Crawford or even coaxing the APO Hiking Society from semi-retirement. But who are we kidding? Anyone who thinks ABS-CBN would replace Willie are out of their minds. He holds such clout (or maybe even dirty little secrets?) in the Lopez' group that if he gets permanently replaced, it would surely be the biggest shocker in Philippine television history. So just wait a little bit, and when the clamor for his head dies down watch him come back and reclaim his place in noontime.

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines

Dear Kris

Kris,

It's been days since your mom's funeral. Tulad ng paulit ulit ng sinasabi ng ating mga kababayan, I would like to thank you and your family for sharing your parents with us. I know it has been said countless of times but I don't think its enough. It will never be. So again, maraming salamat.

You guys made the right call when you refused that half assed state funeral offered to you. What we have witnessed was the most regal, dignified, heartwarming, and inspirational memorial service Filipinos have ever seen in history. And you Kris? you handled everything with such grace that is unparalleled by anyone. You were, to say the least, as maybe inappropriate as it sounds right now...AWESOME.

Who can do that? No one. Can you imagine the pressure of being the child of Ninoy and Cory Aquino? And you being a huge media personality at that? As I'm writing this, I can't think of anyone in the whole world who comes close in stature. JFK Jr does not even come close. Sasha and Malia Obama? Maybe if they appear on a video with Beyonce. Although however great President Obama seem to be, he's not even half the man Benigno Aquino is, and the First Lady Michelle Obama? Forget about it. Marami pa syang kakaining bigas para maikumpara kay Tita Cory. So you see Kris, you are one of a kind. Unique ka. Nag iisa.

And because of this Kris, It just dawned on me that you should be spared from any criticism or anything of that sort. You should be allowed to do whatever the heck you want at whatever time. From hereon out Kris you have your own carte blanche with the Filipino people.

Narinig ko ng sinabi mong sisikapin mong mabuhay sa paraan na maipagmamalaki ka ng iyong ina. While that's well and good, I think your setting yourself up for failure. I mean are you really going to try to live your life like how Tita Cory did hers? Over the years, I have learned to look at you and Tita Cory as two seperate entities. Of all those boo boos you've done in the past, none of them reflected on Tita Cory. At least in my eyes. So don't worry about living like your mom. Worry about living like Kris.

So Kris do what you do, the way you have done it in the past. Tell stories. Entertain us. Don't hold back. If you go in your little Willie Revillame in you where you correct someone in your TV show in a tactless manner, so be it. Ang ibig bang sabihin nito e hindi ka na mang ookray ng mga taong kaokray okray naman? No. I'm sure Tita Cory wouldn't want you to drastically change what you do just because she has passed.

If you want to do Tasya Fantasya Part 2, go right ahead. If you feel like there is another massacre movie that you need to be in, fire away. Heck, if you want to dump James Yap for some other dude, do as you please. If you want to giggle as irritating as it might sound on tv, go ahead. And if you do decide you want to try your hand in politics as well, hey good luck.

So again Kris as I've said before, do whatever the heck you want. The Philippines should be your playground. I mean I know you wouldn't do it as your parents have taught you better but YOU SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO PAY ANOTHER MEAL IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. And that goes for Joshua too.

As a grateful citizen of this nation, I thought I would remind you of these. It's time for us to pay you back. That Carte Blanche issued to you has no limit, and has no expiration date. Use it as you please. And again thank you for that gift, the gift of your parents.

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines

P.S. Actually just like how you said that you lied yo your mom about you being OK, I too lied. You can do whatever you want yes, EXCEPT FOR DOING THE GILING GILING in WOWOWEE. Never again Kris, never again.