A Time of Crisis

Malacanan Palace
10 June 2009

Countrymen. Usually I figure stuff on my own. I am pretty good at it, finding solutions to problems that seem to go out of hand. But this, this thing that happened to me, I need help.

SOMEONE CHANGED MY EMAIL ADDRESS ON MY FRIENDSTER ACCOUNT. IT HAS BEEN HACKED.

Honestly, I don't care about the account. I'm on FACEBOOK anyway. But I'm just worried about what this asswipe would do. He could use this account to send messages to my friends, post malicious crap on my account etc. etc.

I'm probably just paranoid but what if this shit leads to other stuff that are 100000x more important? bank account information, emails...stuff like that.

Now I ask you...what can I do? Is there anything?

Please help.

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines

Executive Order No.7: Amending Voting Rights

Malacanan Palace
06 June 2009

SUBJECT: AMENDING VOTING RIGHTS

Elections. Voting. One of the most basic rights accorded by the constitution to every citizen. Despite its importance, voting rights are the most abused, trampled, given the finger to by both candidates and the electorate.

THIS MIGHT AS WELL BE CALLED A CASH BOX INSTEAD OF A BALLOT BOX

This executive order does not constitute a revision or an amendment on that kind of election. This is a tad more important than "that" kind of election. Besides everyone is too set in their ways to change their views, traditions and ways about elections. Too change it is moot.

This executive order constitutes a change on how all citizens vote on a more important kind of voting.....INTERNET VOTING.

Lets look at some of the more blatant abuses in voting in recent history.

MS. UNIVERSE MISS PHOTOGENIC 2005-2007



Thank God the organizers of the Ms Universe pageant stopped awarding the Ms Photogenic award, after realizing how many Filipinos have access to the internet. The first year it happened was cute, but three in a row? It was not only stupid, it was downright embarrassing. Who wants this award anyway? Personally I hate it when someone tells me I look good in pictures. So what, I'm not anything to look at in person? F U then!

AMERICAN IDOL JASMINE TRIAS


CLOSE BUT NO CIGAR....

Not much of a fan of American Idol. When it first came out I said that it was just gonna be a fad, flash in a pan show. Yeah right. It is still the most watched Television show in the world for seven years or so running. Only watched it the 1st season, this last season, (because of the annoying prodding of my 10 year old daughter) and the third season, The year two Pinoys cracked the TOP 12, Camile Velasco and Jasmine Trias.

I'm not saying Jasmine can't sing. She can. But really American Idol? Listen to this.. Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, Jordin Sparks, Jasmine Trias..Say it again one more time..it just doesn't sound right. A sweet Pinay girl with a flower in her head, one that looks like she goes to church every Sunday, Trias captured the heart of every Pinoy mom accross the United States, enough for her to convince all of them that she is their little niece from Hawaii. And as we all know, you get into the good graces of Nanay, you have hit paydirt. The height of the Pinoy text vote mania hit an ultimate high when my mother ordered me to use my housephone and two of my other cellphones to vote for Jasmine, regardless if she can or cannot sing. Emotional blackmail, the threat of losing inheritance. Two of the ways a Pinoy mom can prod any child to do anything she wants one to do. Fortunately, in the end, justice was served and Fantasia Barrino won. For the record though, I did like Camile Velasco a 1000x more than Jasmine.




HIMALA CNN's Best Asia-Pacific Film of All Time.


AN EXCELLENT FILM. NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.

Two things I have in common with Boy Abunda. We both have the same birthday (10/29), and we both like Nora Aunor. His is borderline fanaticism, mine is probably just my eternal preference for the underdog. (and truth be told Nora is the ultimate underdog.) But this does not blind me enough to vote for Himala as the Best Asia-Pacific Film of All Time. OF ALL TIME! Not the Best Philippine Movie, (which I would not argue against) but of the whole Asia Pacific Region. Besting Seven Samurai (which I saw and I must say was really moving) and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon? (Oscar winner) wow!

We cannot blame this solely on Noranians who are dwindling in number, and whom I'm willing to bet half does not even own a computer or let alone use it. The blame goes to every single Filipino who seem to have this obsession to vote for every friggin online poll where there is something or someone about a Filipino.

Manny Pacquiao Time's 100 Most Influential


VERY INFLUENTIAL...IS THE GIRL UNDER THE INFLUENCE?

I do not know who the F is Christopher Poole or "Moot", Time Magazine's winner as the most influential person. With that, his selection makes this list totally insignificant. Somewhere in Armenia, someone would have said the same statement if Manny Pacquiao topped this list. see how stupid that might have sounded? Again, thank God we have criteria to thank for saving us from this potential embarrassment. Pacquiao, although getting the most number of online votes, managed to land in the 22nd spot due to other criteria which he most likely scored very poor. Again, this goes to show you that there is justice, even in the internet.

NEW SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD: UNDERGROUND RIVER


I DO HOPE THIS WINS. REALLY.

Now this is something I can support. Although I have never been to the underground river, pictures do not lie. It is breathtaking. If it does win, I will not dispute it......only if it wins FAIRLY. I mean really, what satisfaction is there if this place wins because of 8 million Filipino internet users voting ten times each? Vote once and get out, and let the place's merits speak for itself.

SARAH GERONIMO: FHM 100 SEXIEST WOMEN IN THE WORLD


YOU GUYS ARE JUST FUCKIN SICK. SICK YOU HEAR?

I enjoy Sarah. She probably is not the prettiest out there, but you gotta admit the girl is entertaining. I have only seen four Filipino films in a movie theater in the United States, and two of them are her movies: You Changed My Life and A Very Special Love. In addition, I saw these films in arguably the most dilapidated, stinky, outdated, and sticky movie house in the state of California, that AMC theatre in the back of Stonestown Galleria in San Francisco. So pretty much, my admiration of Sarah has been established.

Then this. According to this article on pep.ph, Sarah Geronimo is in the running for being the Sexiest Woman in the World. Ok, there are probably two maybe kinds of people who would vote for Sarah as sexy: A person who is required to report his change of address to authorities every time he moves and is also not allowed to live within a 5 mile radius from an elementary school, or a sex starved juvenile.

I do understand that this is from FHM Philippines, NOT FHM U.S., so I'm not too pissed about it, knowing the sick nature of Filipinos. The thing I'm worried is if someone googles the keyword FHM Sexiest and sees Sarah that person might just hurl his computer outside his window. Anyone who sees Sarah as a sex object need to see a doctor right now. You guys heard of a certain Megan Fox? Jarah Mariano?

MEGAN AND JARAH ARE BOTH PISSED....YOU WOULDNT LIKE IT IF THEY WERE...

Look, I am a red blooded male like most of the FHM readers are but sorry. I just can't wrap my head around the thought that Sarah Geronimo is one of the 100 sexiest women in the world. Not at 101, 102, 178, 235. I just can't. Probably there's something wrong with me. Probably I'm not as sick as I think I am. Who's next Charice Pempengco???!!!!

And as proved by these injustices, there is a consistent pattern of voting irregularities that has remained unchecked. Therefore, I am amending voting rights accorded to all Filipinos for the observance of fairness, restraint and common sense whenever one feels the need to vote for a compatriot in a mindless online poll. This needs to be done. Megan and Jarah told me to do so. And to their will I surrender.

As the President of the greatest country in the universe, by the power vested in me, and by the power of grayskull, I hereby declare this executive order effective immediately.

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines
06 June 2009

More Goddamn Perverts

Malacanan Palace
5 June 2009

So I get ill and what do you know.....more perverts are coming out of the woodwork. Mga kampon ni Hayden. After him, comes Baron Geisler, then Aljur Abrenica (although this smells fishy) then this list. The list of the 209 perverts who gang raped and jizzed all over our Constitution. The ones voted to attempt and prolong GMA's term. Mga bastos. Hey at least Hayden and Katrina looked good. These perverts...... well

YOU ARE NOT ALONE BOY! LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE STARTED

ABANTE, BIENVENIDO M. “BENNY” 6TH District Pandacan
ABLAN, ROQUE R. JR, Ilocos Norte, 1st District
AGBAYANI, VICTOR AGUEDO E. Pangasinan, 2nd District
AGYAO, MANUEL, S Kalinga Province
ALBANO (III), RODOLFO T. Isabela, 1st District
ALFELOR, FELIX R. JR. 4th District, Camarines Sur
ALMARIO, THELMA Z. Davao Oriental, 2nd District
ALVAREZ, ANTONIO C. Palawan 1st District
ALVAREZ, GENARO RAFAEL M. JR. Negros Occidental, 6th District
AMANTE, EDELMIRO A. Agusan Del Norte, 2nd District
AMATONG, ROMMEL C. Compostela Valley, 2nd District
ANGPING, MARIA ZENAIDA B. Manila, 3rd District
ANTONINO, RODOLFO W. Nueva Ecija, 4th District
APOSTOL, TRINIDAD G. Leyte, 2nd District
AQUINO, JOSE S. (II) 1st District Agusan del Norte
ARAGO, MARIA EVITA R. 3rd district, Laguna
ARBISON, A MUNIR M. Sulu 2nd District
ARENAS, MA. RACHEL J. Pangasinan, 3rd District
ARROYO, DIOSDADO M. Camarines Sur, 1st District
ARROYO, IGNACIO T. 5th district Negros Occidental
ARROYO, JUAN MIGUEL M. 2nd District of Pampanga
BAGATSING, AMADO S. Manila 5th district
BALINDONG, PANGALIAN M. Lanao del Sur, 2nd District
BARZAGA, ELPIDIO F. JR. Cavite, 2nd District
BAUTISTA, FRANKLIN P. Davao Del Sur, 2nd District
BELMONTE, VICENTE F. JR. Lanao del Norte, 1st District
BICHARA, AL FRANCIS C. Albay, 2nd District
BIRON, FERJENEL G. Iloilo, 4th District
BONDOC, ANNA YORK P. Pampanga 4th District
BONOAN-DAVID, MA. THERESA B. Manila, 4th District
BRAVO, NARCISO R. JR. Masbate, 1st District
BRIONES, NICANOR M. AGAP Party list
BUHAIN, EILEEN ERMITA Batangas, 1st District
BULUT, ELIAS C. JR. Apayao Lone District
CAGAS (IV), MARC DOUGLAS C. Davao Del Sur, 1st District
CAJAYON, MARY MITZI L. Caloocan, 2nd District
CAJES, ROBERTO C. Bohol, 2nd District
CARI, CARMEN L. Leyte, 5th District
CASTRO, FREDENIL H. Capiz, 2nd District
CELESTE, ARTHUR F. Pangasinan, 1st District
CERILLES, ANTONIO H. Zamboanga Del Sur, 2nd District
CHATTO, EDGARDO M. Bohol, 1st District
CHONG, GLENN A. Biliran, Lone District
CHUNG-LAO, SOLOMON R. Ifugao, Lone District
CLARETE, MARINA C. Misamis Occidental, 1st District
CODILLA, EUFROCINO M. SR. Leyte, 4th District
COJUANCO, MARK O. Pangasinan, 5th District
COQUILA, TEODULO M. Eastern Samar, Lone District
CRISOLOGO, VINCENT P. Quezon City, 1st District
CUA, JUNIE E. Quirino, Lone District
CUENCO, ANTONIO V. Cebu City, 2nd District
DANGWA, SAMUEL M. Benguet, Lone District
DATUMANONG, SIMEON A. Maguindanao, Lone District
Dayanghirang, Nelson L. Davao Oriental, 1st District
DAZA, NANETTE C. Quezon City, 4th District
DAZA, PAUL R. Northern Samar, 1st District
DE GUZMAN, DEL R. Marikina City, 2nd District
DEFENSOR, ARTHUR D. SR. Iloilo, 3rd District
DEFENSOR, MATIAS V. JR. Quezon City, 3rd District
DEL MAR, RAUL V. Cebu City, 1st District
DIASNES, CARLO OLIVER D. (MD) Batanes, Lone District
DIMAPORO, ABDULLAH D. Lanao Del Norte, 2nd District
DOMOGAN, MAURICIO G. Baguio, Lone District
DUAVIT, MICHAEL JOHN R. Rizal, 1st District
DUENAS, HENRY M. JR. Taguig, 2nd District (2nd Councilor District)
DUMARPA, FAYSAH MRP. Lanao del Sur, 1st District
DUMPIT, THOMAS L. JR. La Union, 2nd District
DURANO (IV), RAMON H. 5th District, Cebu
ECLEO, GLENDA B. Dinagat Islands, Lone District
EMANO, YEVGENY VICENTE B. Misamis Oriental, 2nd District
ENVERGA, WILFRIDO MARK M. Quezon, 1st District
ESTRELLA, CONRADO M. (III) Pangasinan, 6th District
ESTRELLA, ROBERT RAYMUND M. ABONO Party List
FERRER, JEFFREY P. Negros Occidental, 4th District
GARAY, FLORENCIO C. Surigao Del Sur, 2nd District
GARCIA, ALBERT S. Bataan, 2nd District.
GARCIA, PABLO JOHN F. Cebu, 3rd District
GARCIA, PABLO P. Cebu, 2nd District
GARCIA, VINCENT J. Davao City, 2nd District
GARIN, JANETTE L. Iloilo, 1st District
GATCHALIAN, REXLON T. Valenzuela City, 1st District
GATLABAYAN, ANGELITO C. Antipolo City, 2nd District
GO, ARNULFO F. Sultan Kudarat, 2nd District
GONZALES, AURELIO D. JR. Pampanga 3rd District
GONZALES, RAUL T. JR. Iloilo City
GULLAS, EDUARDO R. Cebu, 1st District
GUNIGUNDO, MAGTANGGOL T. Valenzuela City 2nd District
HOFER, DULCE ANN K. Zamboanga Sibugay, 2nd District
JAAFAR, NUR G. Tawi-Tawi, Lone District
JALA, ADAM RELSON L. Bohol, 3rd District
JALOSJOS, CESAR G. Zamboanga del Norte, 3rd District
JALOSJOS-CARREON, CECILIA G. Zamboanga del Norte, 1st District
JIKIRI, YUSOP H. Sulu, 1st District
KHO, ANTONIO T. Masbate, 2nd District
LABADLABAD, ROSENDO S. Zamboanga del Norte, 2nd District
LACSON, JOSE CARLOS V. Negros Occidental, 3rd District
LAGDAMEO, ANTONIO F. JR. Davao del Norte, 2nd District
LAPUS, JECI A. Tarlac, 3rd District
LAZATIN, CARMELO F. Pampanga, 1st District
LIM, RENO G. Albay, 3rd District
LOPEZ, JAIME C. Manila, 2nd District
MADRONA, ELEANORA JESUS F. Romblon, Lone District
MAGSAYSAY, MARIA MILAGROS H. Zambales, 1st District
MALAPITAN, OSCAR G. Caloocan, 1st District
MAMBA, MANUEL N. Cagayan, 3rd District
MANGUDADATU, DATU PAKUNG S. Sultan Kudarat,
MARANON, ALFREDO D. III Negros Occidental, 2nd District
MATUGAS, FRANCISCO T. Surigao del Norte, 1st District
MENDOZA, MARK LEANDRO L. Batangas, 4th District
MERCADO, ROGER G. Southern Leyte, Lone District
MIRAFLORES, FLORENCIO T. Aklan, Lone District
NAVA, JOAQUIN CARLOS RAHMAN A. (MD) Guimaras, Lone District
NICOLAS, REYLINA G. Bulacan, 4th District
NOGRALES, PROSPERO C. Davao City, 1st District
OLAñO, ARREL R. Davao Del Norte, 1st District
ONG, EMIL L. Northern Samar, 2nd District
ORTEGA, VICTOR FRANCISCO C. La Union, 1st District
PABLO, ERNESTO C. APEC Party List
PANCHO, PEDRO M. Bulacan, 2nd District
PANCRUDO, CANDIDO P. JR. Bukidnon, 1st District
PICHAY, PHILIP A. Surigao Del Sur, 1st District
PIñOL, BERNARDO F. JR. North Cotabato, 2nd District
PUNO, ROBERTO V. Antipolo City, 1st District
RAMIRO, HERMINIA M. Misamis Occidental, 2nd District
REMULLA, JESUS CRISPIN C. Cavite, 3rd District
REYES, CARMELITA O. Marinduque, Lone District
REYES, VICTORIA H. Batangas, 3rd District
ROBES, ARTURO G. San Jose Del Monte City, Lone District
Rodriguez-Zaldarriaga, Adelina Rizal, 2nd District
ROMAN, HERMINIA B. Bataan, 1st District
ROMARATE, GUILLERMO A. JR. Surigao del Norte, 2nd District
ROMUALDEZ, FERDINAND MARTIN G. Leyte, 1st District
ROMUALDO, PEDRO Camiguin, Lone District
ROMULO, ROMAN T. Pasig City, Lone District
ROXAS, JOSE ANTONIO F. Pasay City
SALIMBANGON, BENHUR L. Cebu, 4th District
SALVACION JR., ANDRES D. Leyte, 3rd District
SAN LUIS, EDGAR S. Laguna, 4th District
SANDOVAL, ALVIN S. Malabon-Navotas, Lone District
SANTIAGO, JOSEPH A. Catanduanes, Lone District
SANTIAGO, NARCISO D. (III) ARC Party List
SEACHON-LANETE, RIZALINA L. 3rd district of Masbate
SEARES-LUNA, CECILIA M. Abra, Lone District
SILVERIO, LORNA C. Bulacan, 3rd District
SINGSON, ERIC D. Ilocos Sur, 2nd District
SINGSON, RONALD V. Ilocos Sur, 1st District
SOLIS, JOSE G. Sorsogon, 2nd District
SOON-RUIZ, NERISSA CORAZON Cebu, 6th District
SUAREZ, DANILO E. Quezon, 3rd District
SUSANO, MARY ANN L. Quezon City, 2nd District
SY-ALVARADO, MA. VICTORIA R. Bulacan, 1st District
SYJUCO, JUDY J. 2nd Dsitrict, Iloilo
TALINO-MENDOZA, EMMYLOU J. North Cotabato, 1st District
TAN, SHAREE ANN T. Samar, 2nd District
TEODORO, MARCELINO R. Marikina City, 1st District
TEODORO, MONICA LOUISSE PRIETO Tarlac, 1st District
TEVES, PRYDE HENRY A. Negros Oriental, 3rd District
TUPAS, NEIL C. JR. Iloilo, 5th District
UNGAB, ISIDRO T. Davao City, 3rd District
UY, EDWIN C. Isabela, 2nd District
UY, REYNALDO S. Samar, 1st District
UY, ROLANDO A. Cagayan De Oro City, Lone District
VALDEZ, EDGAR L. APEC Party List
VALENCIA, RODOLFO G. Oriental Mindoro, 1st District
VARGAS, FLORENCIO L. Cagayan, 2nd District
VILLAFUERTE, LUIS R. Camarines Sur, 2nd District
VILLAROSA, MA. AMELITA C. Occidental Mindoro, Lone District
VIOLAGO, JOSEPH GILBERT F. Nueva Ecija, 2nd District
YAP, JOSE V. Tarlac, 2nd District
YU, VICTOR J. Zamboanga Del Sur, 1st District
ZAMORA, MANUEL E. 1st District, Compostela Valley
ZIALCITA, EDUARDO C. Parañaque, 1st District

Remember these perverts....remember them.

Presidential Report: Pinoy Illnesses and Home Remedies

SUBJECT: PINOY ILLNESSES AND HOME REMEDIES

Malacanan Palace
30 May 2009

My countrymen, the hardwork, stress and everything that comes with being President has finally taken a toll on me. I am sick.

I am currently recuperating with the help of Vicks vaporub, Decolgen forte, lots of fluid and Marlboro Mediums.

So not to alarm everyone, let me stress that this is not swine flu, SARS, dengue or foot and mouth disease. This is purely good old fashioned FLU...and what a bitch this is.

If everything goes right, hopefully I should be up and about in a few days.

I very rarely feel like crap or get ill but this just got me like a Pacquiao right hook.

Being sick, it made me think of some of the illnesses and home remedies we have been accustomed to.

- Huwag lalabas ang bata sa umaga ng walang bonnet baka mahamugan.
Ok so I guess kids in San Francisco and Daly City (a city enveloped in fog 23 out of 24 hours of the day) should all stay in their homes huh? Biggest piece of bullshit I have ever heard.

-Lawayan ang bata para hindi mausog.
The only thing this does is makes the baby stink from some old dude's saliva.

- Gamot sa sore eyes, gatas ng ina.
Does it depend on whose breasts they came from? I bet Jessica Alba's breast milk would be more effective than lets say Pokwang's?

- Wag mag lalaro ng apoy at mag iihi ka sa gabi.
I used to take a stick (?) from a walis tingting light it up and write my name in the air. Effective in preventing arson, not too effective in preventing bed wetting.

- Wag maliligo o magbabasa pagkatapos mamalantsa o mag laro sa labas dahil mapapasma.
I am gonna go out of a limb here and say whoever started this is some lazy kid finding an excuse not to take a shower.

- Ihian ang paa para mabawasan ang pag papawis.
Just like any other pre teen in the Philippines, I was a hoops addict. 3 oclock, 4 oclock it doesnt matter, I'm out there playing hoops in my tsinelas. The problem? after the game I would have that gross V strap on my feet, brought about by the dust and grime sticking from my sweaty feet. The solution according to them? Pee on it. What happens? nothing except your feet smelling like pee.

- Nakakabaog ang stork na ihinalo sa Sprite o Seven-up.
If this was true, we would'nt have the population problem were having right now.

As I recover, feel free to add to this list in the comment section below. Now let me boil some water so i can put a tablespoon of vicks to inhale.....

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines.

Presidential Flash Report: Hayden's Cold Shower

Malacanan Palace
28 May 2009

At the Senate today, one man was able to do what Hayden should have done in the first place: Taking a cold shower. Abner Afuang, whose life was made into a movie starring Philip Salvador, doused water at the embattled doctor at the start of today's Senate Hearing (Chismis) on the sex video scandal........(Look at the Senate treated like a beauty parlor!)



I don't know about you but Hayden blew it. That was his chance to get any kind of dignity back. So what if he got shot by doing that? That would have been the perfect exit! I would have jumped up, caught Afuang myself and kicked the living shit out of him. I mean WTF! You can cuss at me, give me the finger or whatever...but water? in my face? infront of millions of people? That is akin to being spit on or being bitch slapped. I bet even the most perverse person in this world (if there is one besides you) has lost whatever ounce of respect they have for you. You are now ALONE. Pati mga manyak na tulad mo kinahihiya ka na! Someone dares to pull that shit on me, that person would have been dead by now. Hayden, you are not just a pervert of a highest kind but a pussy of the highest degree...Let me say it again P-U-S-S-Y!

Honestly, this shit has gone too far even for my standards. I wish all of you would just go the fuck away....... Katrina to Palawan...Belo back to the 1950s....Hayden to hell....Bong Revilla to Cavite....ugh!

Now that I got that last paragraph out of the way.....no actually go...make a fool of yourselves. Even Jerry Springer or Howard Stern could have never thought of this.

You blew it man....you blew it.

(Sgd) H.E. President of the Philippines
28 May 2009

Executive Order No.6: Exploration of Alternative Tourist Spots in the Philippines.

Malacanan Palace
28 May 2009

SUBJECT: Exploration of Alternative Locales as New Tourist Spots

WHEREAS, With the global financial crisis with no end in sight, this government are working on ways on how to solve budget deficits and shortfalls.

WHEREAS, As President of this Republic, I have directed the Department of Tourism to explore other Philippine locations as potential tourist spots that would generate additional revenue for the government.

WHEREAS, I encourage all Filipinos here and abroad to embrace these sites that would surely give everyone satisfaction, enjoyment, relaxation and would foster national pride.

WHEREAS, Citizens are also encourage to post their own hidden gems for inspection recognition and inclusion in this executive order in the comments section below.

WHEREAS These said spots will all be accessible, educational, exciting, and more importantly affordable for everyone to enjoy.

MAGIC MOUNTAIN (PAYATAS DUMPSITE)

LOCATION: QUEZON CITY
HOW TO REACH IT: FROM THE AIRPORT TAKE A CAB TO QUEZON CITY AND FOLLOW THE STENCH

A stone's throw away from the Philippine Congress, this 130 feet tall mountain of a "gold mine" is indeed a sight to behold. With fog billowing out of Payatas mirroring that of the hills of San Francisco, to its unmistakeably unique smell that is distinctively Payatas, the sheer mass of this "scavenger's paradise" one would be dumbfounded to muster the right adjectives to describe this place. An excellent showcase of archeological, cultural and social treasures, antiques, that mirrors that of the whole country. Not only is this a spectacular sight, this also is a job seekers haven where with a strong resistance to smell and hard work, one can earn upwards to 400 pesos a day for its more than 40,000 residents! A museum, a man made wonder, a shopping center all rolled into one. Truly a Philippines' souce of national pride. By the way, ever noticed that your water tastes a bit odd? Well maybe because the main water supply for the metropolis comes from the La Mesa dam, where the "juices" of Payatas seeps in. Ahhhhh how refreshing

TAE BEACH

LOCATION: BALAYAN, BATANGAS HOW TO GET THERE: FROM MANILA, APPROXIMATELY 2 HRS. ASK A TRICYCLE DRIVER TO TAKE YOU TO TAE BEACH.

A hidden gem that locals wish they could hide, Tae beach (also known as Ma-tae beach) is like the ugly adopted stepsister of the prettier beaches around it in Nasugbu and the Matabungkay Beach in Calatagan. If those beaches has white sand that represents its pristine beauty, Tae beach might as well be covered with asphalt as it has black sand. Children will surely have a blast here too as they could make the sturdiest sandcastles able to withstand waves. Sandcastles here are uncharacteristically strong as sand is mixed with crap (human or otherwise) or tae, hence it's name. The tae acts as a cement like substance that strengthens sandcastles! Oh how fun! Watch your childs' creativity explode as they use wrappers of Chippy, Pee Wee and other things some people consider as "garbage" littered all over the shore as decorations for their sandcastles. For those with an adventurous spirit, try swimming at the beach and experience being in the water in the company of sea weeds, fish, my lost Nike Shoe and you guessed it, fresh ebak. I have no idea why, but the current local government and the district's congresswoman are currently working on turning the said beach into a Baywalk, so hurry before it changes forever.

PNR RAILWAYS

LOCATION: METRO MANILA

Have you been to the Buzz Lightyear ride in Disneyland? Well this ride takes the same concept only instead of you firing at targets, you are getting fired upon with bags of urine and shit instead of laser lights. Its cars are old, dilapidated and is a breeding ground for diseases. A trip on this train is truly a trip down memory lane, a distant memory. Plus a trip to the hospital. Great for children and great for training as being able to evade a hot bag of fresh manure is something one must have to survive. It is also not unusual to see kids playing the local game patintero with an oncoming train. While inside, enjoy the view as its route showcases the best in "minimalist architecture", which simply means architecture using the very minimum in materials: scrap metal and cardboard boxes. Truly a majestic achievement in urban planning, architecture and engineering.

ITS KINDA LIKE THIS YOU KNOW

It is a non stop thrill ride that is sure to titillate the senses, enhance your sense of adventure, and give the true meaning of exhiliration. Fares vary from points of origin and we are not going to be responsible if you happen to sit beside that fellow who still smells "amoy araw" even if it is already 8 o'clock at night. A change of clothes may also be necessary for those lucky ones who happen to get hit by a heaping pile of shit so please prepare accordingly.

SAKLAAN

LOCATION: ALL OVER THE PHILIPPINES
HOW TO GET THERE: LISTEN FOR A GUNSHOT AND IN A DAY OR SO WATCH FOR ONE TO SPROUT UP IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD

Why waste your money in Vegas or Macau when you can splurge right in your own backyard? Saklaan's are the Philippines' answer to the Vegas Strip, as it gives the same excitement and more as one would get in Vegas. If Vegas casinos only offer drinks for free, Saklaan also gives beverages plus biscuits, those of the canned variety. Also, just like Vegas, women usually offers food and refreshment although of course the women in Vegas are better looking and smells better but for 45 times less money, who are you to complain.

PASIG RIVER

LOCATION: MANILA
HOW TO GET THERE: BEST WAY IS THROUGH STA. ANA MANILA

If you're into extreme kayaking, or white water rafting this is the place for you. Experience the thrill of being in a improvised boat, and with typhoons water goes downstream at 100mph. Dodging shoes, diapers, sanitary napkins and the occasional refrigerator, this takes extreme water sports well to the ultra extreme. A 25 kilometer stretch of water..err murky water, this criscrosses 13 different bridges littered all over the Metro Manila area.. Boat fees vary or if one is feeling a little bit more adventurous, you can take an icebox made from Styrofoam and go on your merry way for free! Life vests are completely optional and are not required. Why go to those venetian boats and canals in Venice when you can experience the real "kanal" here in the Pasig River.

Therefore, I the President of the greatest country in the while wide world, by the powers vested in me and by the power of grayskull, I hereby declare this executive order valid effective immediately.

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines
28 May 2009

Presidential Bulletin: Baron's Masturbation

Malacanan Palace

25 May 2009

SUBJECT: BULLETIN ON BARON'S MASTURBATION

This bulletin provides guidance regarding perverts on the loose, i.e: Hayden Kho and again, Baron Geisler.

This bulletin is a reminder to all women to use better judgement, if and when one is to approach, interact or be within breathing distance of Mr. Geisler and of course Hayden Kho.

BARON GEISLER

JAKOLERO!!!!!

"Masturbation is nothing to be ashamed of. It's nothing to be particularly proud of, either." - Matt Groening

First, we need to give props to Mr. Geisler for his improving taste in women. After being charged with acts of lasciviousness by Patricia Martinez, (daughter of William Martinez and Yayo Aguila) one whose name you would not find in any mens magazines' hottest women lists, Geisler has improved on his perverse urges with this little hottie: Yasmien Kurdi. According to reports, Geisler masturbated or as a witnessed has described it: "nag-bate" in full view of Kurdi, Jennylyn Mercado and Kurdi's production assistant during the shoot of their GMA Teleserye.

Lets get one thing straight. I USED TO masturbate, (ok I still do, sometimes.) when I was 13 so I'm not one to judge masturbation per se. I'm not too good at it, so I prefer "getting in there" instead of "spanking the monkey". But I do not masturbate in front of people and there lies Baron's problem. See, I guess it is ok if one masturbates while having sex with a partner, but not when you merely saw someone's panties, NO MATTER HOW GREAT LOOKING THAT CROTCH OR CAMEL TOE LOOKS!!

HMMM..I'D VENTURE A GUESS THIS DUDE IS INTO CYBERSEX

Not to say that this is an excuse but the dude is currently in a long distance relationship with a chick who lives in Australia. And as everyone who is involved in a long distance relationship knows, masturbation via webcam, i.e. cybersex, is the only way to keep those libido flowing. I would like to know what this girlfriend of his has to say about this, because if this was my girl, no matter how much of a stud I am, she would have kicked me to the curb YESTERDAY. I wonder what kind of lame excuse Baron has for his girlfriend, could it be along the lines of Baron was masturbating in front of his laptop and Yasmin and Jennylyn just happened to be there???

You know who got the best out of this news? HAYDEN KHO. He's probably like a proud papa right now, as he can proudly say, hey its not just me people! And more importantly, the good Doctor would get a much needed respite from being known as the most sexually deviant Filipino known to man.

THIS GUY IS SENDING YOU THANKS BARON!

So I guess in a few days, (as some reports has said, the "Baron Masturbation" was caught in camera) I would not be surprised to see this all over the internet for everyone to see. But just like what I did on the Bong Revilla nude photos, I WILL PASS. No thanks.

As President of this republic, I would like to propose to these two an easy way out of these controversies. Let us tatoo the words "SEX MANIAC" across your foreheads and everything will be forgotten. NO TRIALS, NO LAWSUITS. Hey if the two giant television networks would still give you jobs, sure take them too! So what do you say Baron and Hayden? How about that?