Executive order No.1: Prohibition of balikbayan boxes for travel purposes

Malacanan Palace, Manila
By The President of the Philippines

Executive Order No. 1
Prohibition of Balikbayan boxes for travel purposes

WHEREAS, Balikbayan boxes cause serious physical injuries to baggage handlers around the world such as Nirmal Singh who vows never to work on a Philippine Airline flight ever again after a nylon cord used as a handle ripped three of his fingers, and relatives of those going abroad who sends them off to the airport such as Uncle Jun who threw his back and now is in disability after carrying four boxes each of which weighed from 88-95 pounds, more than 38 pounds over FAA regulations.

WHEREAS, Balikbayan boxes contribute to the development of the "pack rat" behavior, a psychiatric condition by encouraging would be travellers to hoard and amass ridiculous quantities of vienna sausages, pork and beans, dial soap and spam.

WHEREAS, Said boxes has proven to be detrimental to the over-all well being of all women as there is no goddamn possible way one can maintain one's poise and hotness level while pushing a cart full of boxes or attempting to lift a balikbayan box from the baggage claim carousel to a cart.

WHEREAS, Possession of such boxes imply the economic stature of Filipinos traveling as "cant afford" since there are suitcases available in places like Baclaran and Divisoria.

WHEREAS, Balikbayan boxes aids criminals in the commission of felonies such as robbery, kidnap for ransom, and other crimes like identity theft and taxi over charging since these boxes unabashedly displays the bearer's name, address, telephone number in big, bold, black letters for everyone to see. While you're at it why not etch your pin numbers and bank account numbers too?

Therefore, I the President of the greatest country in the whole wide universe the Philippines, by the powers vested in me and by the power of grayskull hereby order:

SECTION 1. That all Filipinos regardless of citizenship or country of residence including and not limited to "half-halfs" such as Cy Young Award winner and San Francisco Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum, Vanessa Hudgens, Nicole of the Pussycat Dolls are prohibited in using balikbayan boxes as luggage on all flights domestic or international.

SECTION 2. All airport personnel and all law enforcement are hereby authorized to apprehend anyone caught in violation of this order.

SECTION 3. Offenders are subjected to the following fines and or punishments in accordance to the revised penal code.

• First offense: Confiscation and destruction of balikbayan box not including its contents and a fine of 25 pesos in denominations of the one cent square lapu lapu coin and the five cent flower coin.

• Second offense: Confiscation and destruction of balikbayan box, fines and incarceration for one day with April Boy Regino, Renz Verano and Charlie Green while they sing their hits non stop.
  

• Third offense: Confiscation and destruction of balikbayan box, fines, incarceration and if you happen to survive Renz Verano's Remember Me, death by asphyxiation from a plastic balloon.

SECTION 4. Balikbayan boxes will only be for the exclusive purpose of shipping personal effects through cargo shippers such as LBC, Forex and the like and not to be used as a bahay-bahayan by kids ages 2-5.

SECTION 5. This Order takes effect immediately.

Manila, 24 April 2009
(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines