PRESIDENTIAL ADVISORY: How to deal with swine flu

Malacanan Palace, Manila (28 April 2009)

Friends, Romans countrymen lend me your ears. We are now faced with another catastrophic disease which has come upon us, the dreaded swine flu. After red tide, foot and mouth disease, SARS, ebola virus, salmonella, kurikong, galis aso, agihap bato, buni, pigsa, agiyot and sore eyes, this swine flu is one of the deadliest and most wide spread mankind has ever seen. Due to this, I as the loving president of this country has decided to release this advisory to help us all in coping with this deadly disease.

Let me reiterate that eating pork will not cause you to have swine flu. Although if I had the choice between high blood pressure, hypertension, heart attack, high cholesterol or swine flu, one could argue having swine flu is a safer choice. I guess since were all gonna go at some point anyway, the only point of discussion is if you want your demise semi-instant (swine flu) or gradual and cruel (lechong kawali)

Washing hands and being clean are our first line of defense against this dreaded disease. Now if only we could stop doing KSPs or Kulangot Sa Pader, wherein one would stick their booger to walls or under tables we could control or prevent the spread of swine flu.

When ordering burritos from your Mexican taqueria, if the guy behind the counter is exhibiting a green like substance from his nostrils, chances are IT IS NOT GUACAMOLE.

Yes, wearing surgical masks or even gas masks are recommended especially those who are not particularly attractive, or those who usually hear the phrase: "siguro noong nag sabog ang diyos ng kagandahan sa mundo naka payong ka" (yes that's you)

To my cousin: No, swine influenza is not a car, a subaru impreza is. No its not cute that one might find that amusing, he is 37 years old.

No, it does not matter whether your parents applied vicks vaporub in your throat, back and chest. It does not do anything except stink up your clothes and bedding. Drinking Agua oxienada, efficacent oil or mertayolate does not stop swine flu either.

If and when you suspect you have the disease, go to a government agency right away. The only thing is it might be difficult for any government employee to see you because of fear of contracting the disease. There is one government official you can run to though, the Governor of Batangas Vilma Santos. You see Ate Vi is immune from the virus because of her omnipresent handkerchief that never leaves those dainty hands of hers.

Speaking of Batangas, this swine flu should not preempt or postpone the annual Parada ng Lechon in Balayan, Batangas. The ebola virus might, but not swine flu.

Also, if someone who is baboy or lets just say overweight is coughing or sneezing, it doesnt necessarily mean they have swine flu, they might just be a swine with flu.

Hopefully high school students who are thinking of cutting class and are forging their parents signature for their excuse letter does not use this disease and other lesser known versions of swine flu such as goat flu, kalabaw flu, baboy ramo flu, dagang bukid flu and askal flu to get out of class.

In addition, those who owe people money should not use swine flu as an excuse to see those people who lent you money, and if they do call you on the phone, answer their call as swine flu cannot be spread through soundwaves.

Hilots, mambabarangs, quack doctors and the like are not qualified or have the know how to deal with this disease. Only contact them for such cases like popping a pigsa with a Coke bottle (I still don't know why a Pepsi bottle wont work) or finding out who among those who hate you caused you to itch near your rectal area.

In closing I urge all citizens of the Philippines to be vigilant, clean and aware of your surroundings to help the government in its fight against swine flu. Remember, finders keepers. You get the virus, you better keep it.

Our nation is strong and is getting stronger. There are 90 million of us for crying out loud. Really if a few of us croaks because of the swine flu, I really don't think it would make a dent in alleviating our population problem.

God bless the Philippines

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines