Executive Order No.5: The Tricycle Code of 2009

Malacanan Palace
12 May 2009

Executive Order No. 5: The Tricycle Code of 2009

WHEREAS, Tricycles are the most readily available and still the most affordable motorized mode of transportation.

WHEREAS, The need for an executive order in the operation and usage of tricycles in the country is warranted for the safety and welfare of all Filipinos.

SECTION 1: From now on, all over the archipelago, drivers are not to allow special trips from 4pm to 8pm. It does not matter if a passenger offers to pay 500 pesos to take her home, being a selfish bitch has no place in a tricycle, let alone in this world. What kind of self centered asshole would take a trip alone knowing that there are close to a thousand people in the line behind her? If you take satisfaction from knowing that everyone in the terminal sees you in a tricycle ALONE you have some serious issues. And you know what, you are not special...YOU ARE IN A TRICYCLE!

AN INCONSIDERATE PRICK ENJOYING HIS RIDE

SECTION 2: For the safety of all Filipinos, there shall be a limit of five (5), I repeat, five LIVING THINGS in a tricycle at one time, including the driver. Yes, goats, pigs, chickens, carabaos and cows count as living things, so they do count towards the five maximum. A maximum of three passengers can occupy the inside car, and the driver plus another passenger can occupy the motorcycle itself.

• That metal grill at the back of the motorcycle itself IS NOT A GODDAMN SEAT. If it was, SUZUKI would have put some cushioning on it don't you think?

ROAD SAFETY AT ITS FINEST

• In addition, the gas tank IS NOT A CHILD SEAT. Drivers are to be adviced to leave their children in their homes. Contrary to what drivers might think it is not enjoyable for children to sit on the gas tank, especially when those kids have no pants on. Being president, the days of bare asses touching bare metal are officially over.

DISNEYLAND HAS NOTHING ON THIS RIDE

• Also pigs cannot be hogtied and thrown at the roof of the sidecar as well as goats at the back of said sidecar. They are about to be slaughtered, they do not need the added stress of thinking they could die in a traffic accident.

"BOSS SAAN TAYO?"

SECTION 3: Music will now be prohibited while the vehicle is in motion. I do get the need of having music on these vehicles, they are specially useful while waiting for passengers in the terminal. But there is no freaking way music should be played while a tricycle is running since you can't hear it anyway! Unless of course, you turn the volume up to sonic boom levels. By then, between the roar of the tricycle motor and the blaring sound from the speakers which seems to be all treble or all bass but never in harmony, you are already half deaf.

SECTION 4: Drivers should not pick up passengers traveling less than 500 yards. USE YOUR FEET AND WALK! This practice contributes to the epidemic known as obesity. It does not matter if its 200 degrees outside, work up a sweat and walk because God knows how much you need to lose some pounds, fatty. The only exception to this if the tricycle is hired to carry LPG or Gasul. I know how much of a pain it is to carry LPG tanks to and from your suking tindahan. Those are a definite pain in the ass if I ever saw one. LPG tanks are the most ergonomically wrong object ever known to man. The handles do not fit, you cannot roll or drag the damn thing for fear of explosion, it's shape is weird, and it is as heavy as a motha!!!!!!!

SECTION 5: Drivers wearing sandos.........deodorant please. or tawas. or something. I beg you. UTANG NA LOOB!!!!

SHETTTTT BANGO NI BOSSING!!!

SECTION 6: Drivers should observe proper posture while driving. Hanging sideways, just like what dogs would do in cars will be strictly prohibited. It does not look cool people. It does not add to your coolness factor, you are in fact driving a tricycle.

I as the President of the greatest country in the universe, by the powers vested in me, and by the power of grayskull do hereby declare this order effective immediately.

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines
12 May 2009