Executive Order No. 3: A Guideline on Television Shows (Sunday Variety)

Malacanan Palace
05 May 2009

SUBJECT: A SET OF GUIDELINES TO ENSURE THE WATCHABILITY OF TV SHOWS

IS THERE REALLY A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO?

WHEREAS, My Administration is committed to ensuring that every Filipino, all things bright and beautiful, all creatures big and small, all things bright and wonderful, especially in the television industry will be given the opportunity to earn money in these hard economic times.

WHEREAS, The public must be able to enjoy quality musical entertainment specially on a Sunday. Ideally as President I would love to see families go outside and have fun, but I do understand the difficulty in might bring. Since public TV viewing is a public issue, effective immediately:

SECTION 1: No production number should have performers more than five unless its a full orchestra or is a reproduction of a stage play. Under no circumstances that a Filipino would need to listen to three or four hosts mouthing the names of the performers Kim, Gerald, Matt, Melissa, the ASF dancers, (I'm totally lost at this point) Echo, Karylle, (hingal*) the G Force, the Bayanihan dancers, Billy, Nikki, Shaina, Some dude, (are you guys still counting?) Aling Patring, Mang Isko.........I MEAN WHAT THE HELL! Why not include the whole band? Are they not special enough for you? How about the poor soul that mopped the floor before you guys started this madness? I see....they are not stars. And what makes you think you guys are? Also, hey Jed Madela...really how old are you?



SECTION 2: Cameras should not twist, turn, go upside down or juggle when trying to capture a dance number. Viewers should not be needing to take Bonamine to be able to watch TV. It is hard enough for us to focus on center stage let alone trying to watch 10 people trying to dance at the same time. If we wanted to be dizzy, we would have opted to go ride a roller coaster instead or watched the Blair Witch Project.

THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE WATCHING THEIR CAMERA ANGLES

Oh and unless Mickey Perz manages to lose 30 pounds or magically or surgically transfers his upper body to someone else's he has no business dancing on TV. The first time I saw him, I asked the staff to check my HDTV settings if there's anything wrong with my TV. Watching him is like watching an unfunny version of Chris Farley.

PATRICK SWAYZE WITH MICKEY PERZ ..err CHRIS FARLEY

Section 3: screaming, yelling and histrionics will no longer be allowed while singing. That's why its called singing, not screaming on the top of your lungs. And who is to blame for all of these? The one that started it all...the one...the only...the SCREAMIN SONGBIRD OF ASIA "I'm Regine Freaking Velasquez"

"IM A AM A DI-DI-VA"

Reg, I ain't mad at you. For reals. I gotta give you props for everything you've accomplished. From a skinny, unrefined barrio lass from Bulacan to the ultimate diva of Philippine showbusiness. That is not too shabby I must say.

Look, I get it. We get it. Your vocal range is stuff of legends. You can sing, you wouldn't be where you are right now if you can't right? But to scream on the top of your lungs......every waking hour of the day????? Like every song?

You just don't know how many times I would scream "Ano ba yang hiyawan ng hiyawan dito! Natutulog ang tao e!" Only to find out that no one in the palace was screaming, instead it was you onTV. I mean in one instance, I thought it was the Cabinet screaming because we were being attacked by East Timor. I could have declared war on them for crying out loud. waking up to your singing is hazardous to any one's health, all the more for the highest official of the land.

THIS COULD HAVE HAPPENED

Every aspiring singer in this country looks up to you. Fame, fortune. Who wouldn't want that? In you, every parent saw the potential of their kids (talented or not) to be their ticket out of poverty. Countless of kids being drowned in drums of water, emulating what Tatay Gerry did to you when you were a kid. But look at what you've done to all of them. Three year olds whom has barely developed their body parts let alone their vocal chords trying to reach high notes, comparable to when Tarzan screams in the jungle?

It's not even singing anymore, it's screaming plain and simple. Have you ever heard of the word OVERKILL? So just relax, enjoy the song....and sing please. Oh and yeah by the way Sheryn Regis....don't even try...ugh! That goes for you too Jonalyn Viray. Try joining the church choir.

SPARE US FROM THESE TWO PLEASE

SECTION 4: REHEARSE for the love of God! Is that too much to ask? You have a whole week to learn a dance or a song, you get paid good money and still many of these performers butcher it like it was just given to them a day before. I can even tolerate a few off keys here and there but to forget the lyrics of a song your paid to sing? You just gotta be kidding me.

SECTION 5: Let singers sing and dancers dance. Aside from the occasional Gary V or Sarah Geronimo, (barely) singers who are paid to sing and dancers who are asked to dance should stick to their expertise. You wouldn't want a plumber to do bypass surgery on you right? And what happens to those who can't do either and still manages to be on either Sunday show? Either quit or stick to reading ads for Tamayo's catering or Waffle time.

CATERING BY WAFFLE TIME

And unless you consider one who sounds like a werewolf howling, or one whose balls are being squeezed the living daylights out of as singing, SAM MILBY is not a singer.

REALLY NOW?

I am fully aware that as the commander in chief I shouldn't be wasting my time watching these TV shows they brand as entertainment but I have to admit, my childhood was spent being tortured by Kuya germs' GMA Supershow so it is what it is. If you really look at it, Sunday variety shows are a part of the nation's psyche, a part of Filipiniana. There is nothing more Filipino than having lunch while Janno, or Martin or Ogie are singing in the background.

THE BELLESTAAAAAAAR DAANNNCEEERRRRSS!!

So I, the president of the greatest country in the universe, by the powers vested in me, and by the power of grayskull order these guidelines valid effective immediately.

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines