Presidential statement on the Paqcuiao beatdown of Hatton

OFFICIAL STATEMENT ON MANNY PACQUIAO'S VICTORY

MALACANAN PALACE
3 MAY, 2009

My beloved countrymen, first of all I would like to congratulate Manny Pacquiao in beating the shit out of that drunk bum we all know as Ricky Hatton. What the heck I did not even finish my plate of pansit and Hatton clocks out already? What a pansy.

Being the leader of this country I am fully aware that there is really nothing for us to cheer about, but for a few minutes during a Pacman fight, we can pretend that we matter somehow even if we have absolutely nothing to do with Manny's victory. And that performance is reason enough to hold our heads up high.

"HUMIRAM KA NG MUKHA SA ASO!!!"

This victory only goes to show that indeed steamed rice and ginisang sardinas is much better than fish and chips or whatever the hell them Brits eat to get nourishment. I have to admit though that Queen Eliabeth is the coolest woman world leader I have ever met, Simon Cowell is a God, and yes, I'm taking Tom Jones over Martin Nievera any day of the week including holidays. Other than that, Filipinos > British.

TOM JONES "PWNES" MARTIN NIEVERA

I call on all members of congress, government officials including all appointees which of whom all used government funds to watch the Pacquiao fight to make a side trip to either Spain or Mexico and never to return to the country ever.

THERE IS SOMETHING SPECIAL AWAITING YOU IN THESE COUNTRIES

Not to be a party pooper but let me also take this opportunity to rectify statements made by our police force about the country with a zero crime rate whenever Pacquiao has a fight. Mga kababayan, this is balderdash.

This statement is dangerous and irresponsible. the last thing I want is for people to have a false sense of security, thinking that all that is evil goes away when Manny is busy trying to reconfigure someone else's face.

For starters, piracy, a felony and punishable by fine and imprisonment, is at an all time high during Manny's fights. Millions of our countrymen go against the teachings of our catholic faith by stealing cable signals, and watching internet feeds for free. These despicable acts causes the government millions of pesos in lost revenue from legitimate businesses who pays taxes to the government.

Gambling. One that destroys the moral fiber of our country, a horrible vice and specially disastrous for those stupid enough to bet against Manny.

THANK YOU SUCKAS!!

The use of jumpers to steal electricity. Not only this is illegal, it is also dangerous. There was a report out of Tondo that a certain Agapito Dausdos fried his brains out and died yesterday from electrocution. Buti nga sa yo.

A DISASTER WAITING TO HAPPEN

Viewing parties also encourage gluttony, (one of the seven deadly sins), "to eat and run", (not a crime per se but a deplorable act no self respective person should ever do) public intoxication, and the proliferation of PGs or patay gutoms.

YEHEY PANALO SI MANNY!!

Unfortunately my people, there is no such thing as a zero crime rate in this country of ours. There are still, and will always be kawatans amongst all of us, and sadly it is a Manny Pacquiao fight that brings all of these to the surface.

With that being said, again Manny congrats. I'm not one to talk to much on affairs I'm not involved in, or make "sipsip" to you, I'll let Governor Chavit Singson do all the sipsipan like no one can. Besides, a teenie weenie part of me was hoping you'd lose only because the more you win, the likelihood of you replacing me as President seems inevitable.

"GOV, TOTOO BANG PWIDI NA AKONG MAG PRISIDINTI?"

But in the end, the boxing fan in me was able to set personal gain aside and root for you to beat the living daylights out of Hatton. Also, who would want to ruin Nanay Dionesia's first visit to the United States? So Nanay after all the fanfare, make sure ask someone to drive you to the outlet store by the rent a car building there in Vegas before you come home to buy all those pasalubongs for everyone waiting for you in Gensan.

WELCOME TO THE ISTEYTS MOMMY! PABILI MO NA TO KE MANNY!

So again Manny, Mabuhay ka, at Mabuhay tayong lahat. Hurry home because I know millions of our kababayans are waiting for you and I'm pretty sure Sec. Lito Atienza is preparing your parade float as we speak....

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines
03 May, 2009
Manila, Philippines