Forget Noynoy vs. Villar, Its Willie vs Jobert Sucaldito

4 May 2010

Add Jobert Sucaldito to the list of Willie Revillame's enemies as Revillame in his noontime show Wowowee threatened to resign if the management of ABS-CBN would retain Sucaldito's services.

This came about as Sucaldito remarked in his (or its?) radio program that the segment "Willie of Fortune" should not feature those students who are barely passing in school or those who have an average of 75% - 79%. Sucaldito said something to the effect of "dapat hindi sinasali ang mga estudyanteng bobo"

Not surprisingly, and probably due to menopause, Revillame did not like this and in turn issued an ultimatum to his mother studio to remove Jobert immediately.

WILLIE VS. JOBERT

Without knowing (or nor do I care) of Sucaldito's preference for president, I think it is safe to assume that Sucaldito is probably pulling for Noynoy Aquino just because of his affiliation with Kris Aquino, and Revillame as we all know is a die hard Villar supporter so it is not outside the realm of possibility that this is politically motivated.

Willie probably wants to see how much influence does he really have in ABS CBN. Just staying true to his egotistical character.

Sad to say, if this is not diffused early, Sucaldito might find himself without a job in the next few days. I'm not sure if ABS-CBN is willing to call Revillame's bluff or they could afford to, because whether I admit it or not, Wowowee is one of the station's moneymakers, particularly among TFC subscribers.

SUNDOT KULANGOT (quick shots on news around cyberspace)

10 December 2009

Tigas talaga ng pagmumukha ni Pangulong Kutong lupa. Biruin mong nagkaka diskusyunan na sa kongreso dahil sa katarantaduhan nitong pag dedeklara ng martial law e, ni anino nito hindi sumulpot sa kongeso? Tang ina talaga oo.

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Kung hindi nyo pa alam isa pang dating kapamilyang nananamlay ang career ang lumipat na sa syete, si Bayani Agbayani. sya daw ang ipantatapat ng gma sa papalakas na ng papalakas na showtime ni Vhong Navarro. Ang title daw e Bigay Todo (?)

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Panis si Manny ke Tiger. Si Tiger 10 bebots na ang sumusulpot, si Manny ni isa ala pang umaamin.

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Tindi ng Comelec, dalawa ng oposisyon governors ang inagawan ng pwesto. E bat si Gloria nde nyo matanggal tanggal?

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Kagandahan ke Tiger, walang pinapalampas. Bata, matanda, brunette, blonde, me suso o wala, pangit man o maganda, walang sinasayang. Parang kumakain sa buffet, lahat tinitikman. Just how I like it!

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Speaking of papalakas na Showtime, pati si Willie apektado na. Nagtampururot sa Wowowee dahil hindi daw inacknowledge ng ABS ang pagkapanalo nila sa Anak TV tapos nag segway sa pagsasabing hindi daw sila kaaway ng Showtime. Dude, ikaw tong nagbibigay kulay eh, sa pagsasalita mo kinumpirma mo na apekted ka. Sana hindi mo na lang pinansin.

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Kala ko ba Martial Law? bat buhay pa ang mga Ampatuan? Talagang wala ng magaling na nagawa itong mga asa Malacanang. Kahit sa Martial Law bokya pa rin. At least sina Marcos, perfect ang implementation!

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Oh nga pala nakita nyo ba yung anak ni Gretchen Barretto nung tumanggap ng trophy ang nanay nya bilang Best Actress whatever sa Star Awards? Whoa what a brat! She rolled her eyes and mouthed "OMG" when her mother referred to her father as "her lover." Hanapin nyo sa you tube kung meron. I mean if my kid pulled that kind of shit.......

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Mabalik tayo sa Showtime, pinapanood ko talaga to. Although I do know na kopya lang din naman to sa Talentadong Pinoy na ginaya sa Britain's Got Talent na baka gayahin di ng Bigay Todo, which makes me come to the conclusion na: WAG NA TAYONG UMASA NG INNOVATIVE PINOY SHOW in the near future. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

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I mean Anne Curtis has grown on me, I still don't think she's Megan Fox hot (who is anyway?) but she is pretty. Then Vice Ganda....what can I say, this person is hilarious. Even the two rock stars add something to the party.

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Come to think of it, 3 of those I named that could replace Willie Revillame are now in the afternoon timeslot namely Vhong Navarro, Bayani Agbayani and Ryan Agoncillo. Akalain mo nga naman ano.....

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Can someone answer why I'm still a die hard Golden State Warrior fan?

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Does anyone remember Manolet Ripol (sp?)??? Wala lang....

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Im not totally against movie stars in showbusiness BUT....if Lito Lapid still wins as a senator after he already said na hindi sya bagay sa Senado....THERE MUST BE SOMETHING REALLY GODDAMN WRONG WITH US PEOPLE.

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So hindi nagpakamatay si Hayden KHO....who the fuck cares? Why is a respected lawyer like Lorna Kapunan represents this dude? oh yeah I forgot...Dr. Vicki's money.

(Sgd.) President of the Philippines

MTRCB, Online Petitioners....LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE!!

Malacanan Palace
28 August 2009

The continuing saga of the Wowowee incident has taken a new life , as reports has surfaced that Willie Revillame is now seriously considering running for an elective office in the national elections of 2010. As expected, a good number of politicians are now enticing Revillame to be part of their ticket either running as Senator or WORSE, VICE PRESIDENT OF THE PHILIPPINES.

PLEASE GOD NO. PARANG AWA NYO NA.

This came about as ABS-CBN has extended Revillame's exile from the show until September 29. Here is the network's official statement:

In the interest of self-regulation, ABS-CBN has availed of the conciliation process under Section 6, Rule 7, of the MTRCB Rules of Procedures, regarding the incidents involving Mr. Willie Revillame in the Program Wowowee. After having considered the facts, issues and terms of self-regulation to be imposed in the pertinent cases, the MTRCB has approved the same.

WHEREOF, the ABS-CBN shall undertake to perform the following:

1. Extend Mr. Revillame’s leave until 20 September 2009, and

2. Remove the present dance segment of Luningning and Saicy.

FURTHER, ABS-CBN reiterates that it is fully aware of its legal and moral responsibilities as a broadcaster and shall undertake to continue to uphold the values and customs of the Filipino viewing public.

OMFG. Really. Let me say it again. OMFG. Who is to blame for all of this? The online petition to oust Willie from Wowowee and the inutile MTRCB.

If we had just let Willie do whatever he does in his own little show, and live in his own little world, everything would be fine and dandy. he could satisfy his narcissistic tendencies in his show with the old little ladies, TFC subscribers and those who allow themselves to be ridiculed for 5,000 pesos, this would have never happened. Now Revillame's ego has been shot and he is thinking in his puny little brain of his that winning an election would be the best way for him to massage his massive ego. And you know whats scary folks? Willie might just win. Fuck me.

Now all of us has to suffer. Thanks Mr. Saguisag (online petitioner) Thanks MTRCB. Diyos ko naman, tigilan na natin si Willie. Ayan tuloy kung ano ano ang kagagaguhang iniisip. Are Lito Lapid and Bong Revilla not enough? Kung ayaw nyo kay Willie punyeta wag kayong manood. AYAN TULOY MADADAMAY NA TAYONG MGA PILIPINO.

STOP IT! BRING WILLIE BACK LAGUARDIA!!!

I probably do not need to enumerate the things that could, would or will happen if Willie holds public office. Para doon sa mga hindi ma gets, here read it: WILLIE REVILLAME VICE PRESIDENT OF THE PHILIPPINES.

So let me say this. WILLIE PLEASE COME BACK TO WOWOWEE. We goddamn miss you. Please entertain us (gulp*) again. Sing those songs that make us realize how beautiful life is. No one would really stop you if you just barge in in your show right? Just go. Stop thinking. Don't you miss the adulation of millions and millions of your minions?

Lesson to be learned here people. Mag isip ng milyong beses bago gumawa ng isang bagay. That online petition was well and good on the surface, but look at what it has taken us. The prospect of Revillame being Vice President of the Philippines. May God help us all.

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines

Dear Kris

Kris,

It's been days since your mom's funeral. Tulad ng paulit ulit ng sinasabi ng ating mga kababayan, I would like to thank you and your family for sharing your parents with us. I know it has been said countless of times but I don't think its enough. It will never be. So again, maraming salamat.

You guys made the right call when you refused that half assed state funeral offered to you. What we have witnessed was the most regal, dignified, heartwarming, and inspirational memorial service Filipinos have ever seen in history. And you Kris? you handled everything with such grace that is unparalleled by anyone. You were, to say the least, as maybe inappropriate as it sounds right now...AWESOME.

Who can do that? No one. Can you imagine the pressure of being the child of Ninoy and Cory Aquino? And you being a huge media personality at that? As I'm writing this, I can't think of anyone in the whole world who comes close in stature. JFK Jr does not even come close. Sasha and Malia Obama? Maybe if they appear on a video with Beyonce. Although however great President Obama seem to be, he's not even half the man Benigno Aquino is, and the First Lady Michelle Obama? Forget about it. Marami pa syang kakaining bigas para maikumpara kay Tita Cory. So you see Kris, you are one of a kind. Unique ka. Nag iisa.

And because of this Kris, It just dawned on me that you should be spared from any criticism or anything of that sort. You should be allowed to do whatever the heck you want at whatever time. From hereon out Kris you have your own carte blanche with the Filipino people.

Narinig ko ng sinabi mong sisikapin mong mabuhay sa paraan na maipagmamalaki ka ng iyong ina. While that's well and good, I think your setting yourself up for failure. I mean are you really going to try to live your life like how Tita Cory did hers? Over the years, I have learned to look at you and Tita Cory as two seperate entities. Of all those boo boos you've done in the past, none of them reflected on Tita Cory. At least in my eyes. So don't worry about living like your mom. Worry about living like Kris.

So Kris do what you do, the way you have done it in the past. Tell stories. Entertain us. Don't hold back. If you go in your little Willie Revillame in you where you correct someone in your TV show in a tactless manner, so be it. Ang ibig bang sabihin nito e hindi ka na mang ookray ng mga taong kaokray okray naman? No. I'm sure Tita Cory wouldn't want you to drastically change what you do just because she has passed.

If you want to do Tasya Fantasya Part 2, go right ahead. If you feel like there is another massacre movie that you need to be in, fire away. Heck, if you want to dump James Yap for some other dude, do as you please. If you want to giggle as irritating as it might sound on tv, go ahead. And if you do decide you want to try your hand in politics as well, hey good luck.

So again Kris as I've said before, do whatever the heck you want. The Philippines should be your playground. I mean I know you wouldn't do it as your parents have taught you better but YOU SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO PAY ANOTHER MEAL IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. And that goes for Joshua too.

As a grateful citizen of this nation, I thought I would remind you of these. It's time for us to pay you back. That Carte Blanche issued to you has no limit, and has no expiration date. Use it as you please. And again thank you for that gift, the gift of your parents.

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines

P.S. Actually just like how you said that you lied yo your mom about you being OK, I too lied. You can do whatever you want yes, EXCEPT FOR DOING THE GILING GILING in WOWOWEE. Never again Kris, never again.

Presidential Bulletin: Case of Mistaken Identities (Pinoy Celebrity Look a likes)

PRESIDENTIAL BULLETIN: ADVISORY ON MISTAKEN IDENTITIES

Malacanan Palace
16 May 2009

My countrymen, this bulletin is being disseminated through the office of the press secretary to help in the identification of prominent celebrities who have been suffering from cases of mistaken identities. May this bulletin assist everyone in the proper recognition of such Filipinos.

ALESSANDRA DE ROSSI AND CONGRESSWOMAN DARLENE CUSTODIO

One is currently seen bitching at Kim Chiu, the other just bitch slapped our Pambansang Kamao Manny Pacquiao in the last elections. Both with feisty and fiery personalities.

CHARMEL (of Deal or no Deal) and VIVIAN VELEZ

Perhaps black is the favorite color of these body beautifuls. Charmel's presence in Deal or no Deal brings black, the color of bad luck in every contestant while Vivian donned the Bikining Itim in the movie of the same title.

JESSICA SOHO and FRANKLIN DRILON

Apparently, a TV show for the former Senator and the award winning broadcast journalist is in the works: KANGUSO nyo JESSICA and FRANK.

JESSA ZARAGOSA and TOUCAN SAM

It was BLACK FRIDAY, the biggest shopping day of the year. I woke up early, had my fruit loops and guess who I saw at the GUESS outlet store in Vacaville? Yup Jessa Zaragosa.

ARCHIE ALEMANIA and BEARWIN MEILY

So did Bearwin use his magical powers to clone himself with Archie Alemania. Both comedians, both bald and unmistakenly look-a-likes although I gotta give Archie the upper hand having a cutie wife.

DOMINIC OCHOA and JAKE JOSON (Manny Pacquiao's underwear carrier)

It is finally confirmed. Dominic Ochoa does not work for Manny Pacquiao. It is actually a guy named Jake Joson, one who has no official job description except for being in every picture and every camera shot of Manny that ever existed.

AIKO MELENDEZ and CONNIE SISON (news anchor)

One has moved from Jomari Yllana to Martin Jickain to..I dont know...the other has moved from ABS-CBN to GMA 7. A DNA test is what's needed to finally find out if they are true sisters.

AMANDA PAGE and MILAGRING (of wowowee)

I admit. I watch Wowowee. Why? because it is the only reminder of the girl I was, and will always be in love with: AMANDA PAGE. With Milagring around, I don't miss Amanda Page so much anymore although sometimes I wonder where is Amanda. Amanda where are you?!!!!

JOJO LASTIMOSA and YUL SERVO

I still hate Jolas for that gruesome injury that happened to Samboy Lim. Now whenever I see Yul Servo, the whole Samboy injury still flashes in my head. Samboy goes for the dunk, Jolas clips him from underneath, Samboy flips, his feet almost touching the rim then lands face first....oh my god.

RUFFA MAE QUINTO and FRANCINE PRIETO

Not only do their faces look a like but the biggest resemblance between these two are those two. Look at them quadruplets!

POKWANG and ROSITA (Pinoy Dream Academy)

To my dear yaya.....Yaya Daisy me pag asa pa kayong mag artista. Tingnan mo nga sila o. So keep on practicing on our Magic Mic. Malay mo i revive nyo yung group nina Manilyn noong araw, yung Triplets.

BUTCH FRANCISCO and JOSEPH BITANGCOL

Well, at least we have seen Joseph kiss a guy, a thing that people wonder if Butch Francisco does.

BEA ALONZO and YASMIN KURDI

Did Bea Alonzo switch to GMA? Then I realized its not her but someone who looks exactly like her! Do they both like to eat? It kinda looks like it too, although Kurdi claims she's a vegan, whatever that means.

WILLIE REVILLAME and FANNY SERRANO

If Willie likes to be called Papi...Fanny likes to call Fafas. One likes to say wowoweee, one says wiheeeeeeee

DAWN ZULUETA and NANCY CASTILIOGNE

A classic beauty and a classic case of schizophrenia? Dunno but I do like a quirky girl you know. Its kinda dangerously sexy.

JOBERT SUCALDITO and ........

My apologies. I do not intend to be mean. Really. I just could not resist it. Again to the horse, I am really sorry.

JOHN LAPUS and JOY VIADO

It's dark...you're in a bar....you're on your 8th beer...Joy or John?

MAUI TAYLOR and MAHAL

You want your 13 year old son to stop masturbating? Print this right away and post it in your son's room. Once he realizes that he might as well be Jimboy he'll tell you he'd never do it again.

BB GANDANGHARI and CARMINA VILLAROEL

My grandma always said that if two people looked a like, they would end up together. Too bad BB Gandanghari is a woman if not she would have ended up with Carmina Villaroel...OH WAIT...THEY WERE MARRIED TO EACH OTHER! DUH!

May this bulletin serve its purpose. God bless the Philippines!

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines
16 May 2009

Executive order No 2: Reconfiguration of the Filipino alphabet

Malacanan Palace, Manila
By The President of the Philippines

Executive Order No. 2
Reconfiguration of the Filipino Alphabet (Alpabetong Filipino)

WHEREAS, The inclusion of a new letter "Pf" (pronounced Puh-ff) in the new Filipino Alphabet is necessary for the avoidance of Filipino English speakers mixing up their P's for their F's and vice versa.

WHEREAS, The new letter is necessary in protecting the egos of Filipinos by reiterating to their brainwashed selves that they are indeed the best English speaking people in the world, better than British, Australians, Asian-Indians, Canadians, and Americans.

WHEREAS, Pending feedback, another letter for consideration is the three-letter letter "Tch" which is commonly used by Willie Revillame when he mentions Channel Tchew (two) or Tchew (two) Million Pesos.



Therefore, I the President of the greatest country in the whole wide universe the Philippines, by the powers vested in me and by the power of grayskull hereby order:

SECTION 1. All childrens' programs including all re runs of the show Batibot shall start singing the alphabet song with the new letter Pf, just like when they added the letter Ng to the English Alphabet and called it the new Alpabetong Filipino.

SECTION 2. Effective immediately the Philippines can also be spelled as Pfilipfpfines, and the pfopfular nursery rhyme Peter Piper as Pfeter Pfipfer pficked a pfeck of pfickled pfepfpfers; A pfeck of pfickled pfepfpfers Pfeter Pfipfer pficked; If Pfeter Pfipfer pficked a pfeck of pfickled pfepfpfers, Where's the pfeck of pfickled pfepfpfers Pfeter Pfipfer pficked?

SECTION 3. The Department of Education (Dep-Ed) will spearhead this campaign and will be alloted 50 million pesos for the said project where 49.95 million of which would surely vanish in thin air.

SECTION 4. Smirks and giggles will now be prohibited when your Tita Ging tells you to go with her to the "fark to fick some plowers."

SECTION 5. This Order takes effect immediately.

Manila, 25 April 2009
(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines