Executive Order No. 4: Communication Act of 2009

Malacanan Palace

07 May, 2009

The Communication Act of 2009

Being president I have mastered the art of communicating with different heads of states without offending them. It is really important for us world leaders to follow a certain decorum to prevent disagreements which as history has shown could lead to catastrophic circumstances.

WHEREAS, As president I feel that it is my duty to help all citizens learn this said art to prevent misunderstandings between people. Harmony and peace are integral parts of a happy society, since we all know that a happy society is a productive society.

WHEREAS, Technology has come a long way and with this, one of it's biggest beneficiaries is the improvements on how we communicate with each other. From the telephone, your party line, phone pal, crossline (one number that you call where 50 other people are talking simultaneously) pocketbell, to easy call to beeper 150 (which I used to steal from my mom and ask my sister to leave me a message so the pager would beep just at the precise moment when I'm about to board the jeep that takes me from the central station to Espana) to cellphones and now to IM, email, text and skype, we have seen its evolution.

GET THE MESSAGE EASY CALL!
(PHOTO FROM 1-day-at-a-time.blogspot.com)

Effective immediately, I the President of the greatest country in the universe, and by the power of grayskull hereby order:

Section 1: When on the phone, No one should ever ask the question: "Anong ginagawa mo?" ummm hello? I kinda knew you're not well put together but this just confirms it. What would you like me to say? Oh nothing I'm just trying to find the cure to cancer. And you know what makes it worse? When after giving the most preposterous of answers to the anong ginagawa mo, you respond with "Ahhhh...ganun ba" like you actually believe what I told you is even possible. Look, if you really don't have anything to say, you shouldn't be wasting both of our cell minutes. Ask about the dog, the job, something...just don't ask me what the heck I'm doing when you know exactly what I'm doing.

"HELLO ANONG GINAGAWA MO?...."
"ETO KAUSAP KA, ME PHONE BOOTH SA ULO"

"AHHHH...."

Section 2: Yahoo instant messaging is free, therefore there is no reason for anyone to use text language when using said service. You don't pay per word nor per send and you still find a way to shorten words that you shouldn't even shorten? It's either you're lazy, stupid or both. Oh and ladies if someone im's you "MIS NA U" you should start thinking of blocking this person from your friends' list. If all he can muster is a shortened version of I miss you (which only consists of eight letters) and expects to get laid, that is a big red flag right there. Besides, it just looks stupid. A poor excuse for someone who can't spell!

Section 3: When greeting someone you have'nt seen for a while, the last thing you should ever say would be: "Huy tumataba ka a!" These are fighting words. Very dangerous words. It is not only condescending, it is disrespectful. Therefore, murdering, mauling or maiming anyone who says this to you is permissible without fear of repercussion from the law.

"TUMATABA KA A..."
"SALAMAT HA .. MAMAMATAY KA DIN"

Your intention probably is good and all but there is no effing way you should say this to anyone. As far as I know us Filipinos are the only ones who ever use this greeting in the entire world. I mean can you imagine saying this to an American co worker? to a Japanese? And how the heck do you expect to respond to that? Are you supposed to thank the person who noticed that you are gaining some poundage? Great, thanks for telling me! What positive reinforcement ! You do know we have mirrors at the house right?...and you do know i have been trying to lose weight for about seven years now...thanks bitch!

Section 4: Espionage is a felony and it is espionage when you ask someone the question: "Saan ka pupunta?" Ok first of all, it is none of your freakin business. Second of all, if I wanted you to know where I was going I would've asked you to go with me. Third of all, what is it to you?

"SAAN KAYA SYA PUPUNTA?"

For now, these are few rules to go by when communicating with each other. Hopefully with these guidelines, it would foster camaraderie between all Filipinos, which would be the key for world peace.

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines
07 May 2009

Presidential statement on the Paqcuiao beatdown of Hatton

OFFICIAL STATEMENT ON MANNY PACQUIAO'S VICTORY

MALACANAN PALACE
3 MAY, 2009

My beloved countrymen, first of all I would like to congratulate Manny Pacquiao in beating the shit out of that drunk bum we all know as Ricky Hatton. What the heck I did not even finish my plate of pansit and Hatton clocks out already? What a pansy.

Being the leader of this country I am fully aware that there is really nothing for us to cheer about, but for a few minutes during a Pacman fight, we can pretend that we matter somehow even if we have absolutely nothing to do with Manny's victory. And that performance is reason enough to hold our heads up high.

"HUMIRAM KA NG MUKHA SA ASO!!!"

This victory only goes to show that indeed steamed rice and ginisang sardinas is much better than fish and chips or whatever the hell them Brits eat to get nourishment. I have to admit though that Queen Eliabeth is the coolest woman world leader I have ever met, Simon Cowell is a God, and yes, I'm taking Tom Jones over Martin Nievera any day of the week including holidays. Other than that, Filipinos > British.

TOM JONES "PWNES" MARTIN NIEVERA

I call on all members of congress, government officials including all appointees which of whom all used government funds to watch the Pacquiao fight to make a side trip to either Spain or Mexico and never to return to the country ever.

THERE IS SOMETHING SPECIAL AWAITING YOU IN THESE COUNTRIES

Not to be a party pooper but let me also take this opportunity to rectify statements made by our police force about the country with a zero crime rate whenever Pacquiao has a fight. Mga kababayan, this is balderdash.

This statement is dangerous and irresponsible. the last thing I want is for people to have a false sense of security, thinking that all that is evil goes away when Manny is busy trying to reconfigure someone else's face.

For starters, piracy, a felony and punishable by fine and imprisonment, is at an all time high during Manny's fights. Millions of our countrymen go against the teachings of our catholic faith by stealing cable signals, and watching internet feeds for free. These despicable acts causes the government millions of pesos in lost revenue from legitimate businesses who pays taxes to the government.

Gambling. One that destroys the moral fiber of our country, a horrible vice and specially disastrous for those stupid enough to bet against Manny.

THANK YOU SUCKAS!!

The use of jumpers to steal electricity. Not only this is illegal, it is also dangerous. There was a report out of Tondo that a certain Agapito Dausdos fried his brains out and died yesterday from electrocution. Buti nga sa yo.

A DISASTER WAITING TO HAPPEN

Viewing parties also encourage gluttony, (one of the seven deadly sins), "to eat and run", (not a crime per se but a deplorable act no self respective person should ever do) public intoxication, and the proliferation of PGs or patay gutoms.

YEHEY PANALO SI MANNY!!

Unfortunately my people, there is no such thing as a zero crime rate in this country of ours. There are still, and will always be kawatans amongst all of us, and sadly it is a Manny Pacquiao fight that brings all of these to the surface.

With that being said, again Manny congrats. I'm not one to talk to much on affairs I'm not involved in, or make "sipsip" to you, I'll let Governor Chavit Singson do all the sipsipan like no one can. Besides, a teenie weenie part of me was hoping you'd lose only because the more you win, the likelihood of you replacing me as President seems inevitable.

"GOV, TOTOO BANG PWIDI NA AKONG MAG PRISIDINTI?"

But in the end, the boxing fan in me was able to set personal gain aside and root for you to beat the living daylights out of Hatton. Also, who would want to ruin Nanay Dionesia's first visit to the United States? So Nanay after all the fanfare, make sure ask someone to drive you to the outlet store by the rent a car building there in Vegas before you come home to buy all those pasalubongs for everyone waiting for you in Gensan.

WELCOME TO THE ISTEYTS MOMMY! PABILI MO NA TO KE MANNY!

So again Manny, Mabuhay ka, at Mabuhay tayong lahat. Hurry home because I know millions of our kababayans are waiting for you and I'm pretty sure Sec. Lito Atienza is preparing your parade float as we speak....

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines
03 May, 2009
Manila, Philippines