Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Executive Order No. 4: Communication Act of 2009

Malacanan Palace
07 May, 2009

The Communication Act of 2009

Being president I have mastered the art of communicating with different heads of states without offending them. It is really important for us world leaders to follow a certain decorum to prevent disagreements which as history has shown could lead to catastrophic circumstances.

WHEREAS, As president I feel that it is my duty to help all citizens learn this said art to prevent misunderstandings between people. Harmony and peace are integral parts of a happy society, since we all know that a happy society is a productive society.

WHEREAS, Technology has come a long way and with this, one of it's biggest beneficiaries is the improvements on how we communicate with each other. From the telephone, your party line, phone pal, crossline (one number that you call where 50 other people are talking simultaneously) pocketbell, to easy call to beeper 150 (which I used to steal from my mom and ask my sister to leave me a message so the pager would beep just at the precise moment when I'm about to board the jeep that takes me from the central station to Espana) to cellphones and now to IM, email, text and skype, we have seen its evolution.


Effective immediately, I the President of the greatest country in the universe, and by the power of grayskull hereby order:

Section 1: When on the phone, No one should ever ask the question: "Anong ginagawa mo?" ummm hello? I kinda knew you're not well put together but this just confirms it. What would you like me to say? Oh nothing I'm just trying to find the cure to cancer. And you know what makes it worse? When after giving the most preposterous of answers to the anong ginagawa mo, you respond with "Ahhhh...ganun ba" like you actually believe what I told you is even possible. Look, if you really don't have anything to say, you shouldn't be wasting both of our cell minutes. Ask about the dog, the job, something...just don't ask me what the heck I'm doing when you know exactly what I'm doing.



Section 2: Yahoo instant messaging is free, therefore there is no reason for anyone to use text language when using said service. You don't pay per word nor per send and you still find a way to shorten words that you shouldn't even shorten? It's either you're lazy, stupid or both. Oh and ladies if someone im's you "MIS NA U" you should start thinking of blocking this person from your friends' list. If all he can muster is a shortened version of I miss you (which only consists of eight letters) and expects to get laid, that is a big red flag right there. Besides, it just looks stupid. A poor excuse for someone who can't spell!

Section 3: When greeting someone you have'nt seen for a while, the last thing you should ever say would be: "Huy tumataba ka a!" These are fighting words. Very dangerous words. It is not only condescending, it is disrespectful. Therefore, murdering, mauling or maiming anyone who says this to you is permissible without fear of repercussion from the law.


Your intention probably is good and all but there is no effing way you should say this to anyone. As far as I know us Filipinos are the only ones who ever use this greeting in the entire world. I mean can you imagine saying this to an American co worker? to a Japanese? And how the heck do you expect to respond to that? Are you supposed to thank the person who noticed that you are gaining some poundage? Great, thanks for telling me! What positive reinforcement ! You do know we have mirrors at the house right?...and you do know i have been trying to lose weight for about seven years now...thanks bitch!

Section 4: Espionage is a felony and it is espionage when you ask someone the question: "Saan ka pupunta?" Ok first of all, it is none of your freakin business. Second of all, if I wanted you to know where I was going I would've asked you to go with me. Third of all, what is it to you?


For now, these are few rules to go by when communicating with each other. Hopefully with these guidelines, it would foster camaraderie between all Filipinos, which would be the key for world peace.

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines
07 May 2009

1 comment:

  1. meron din yung huwag ipagsasabing sikreto he he