Friday, May 29, 2009

Presidential Report: Pinoy Illnesses and Home Remedies


Malacanan Palace
30 May 2009

My countrymen, the hardwork, stress and everything that comes with being President has finally taken a toll on me. I am sick.

I am currently recuperating with the help of Vicks vaporub, Decolgen forte, lots of fluid and Marlboro Mediums.

So not to alarm everyone, let me stress that this is not swine flu, SARS, dengue or foot and mouth disease. This is purely good old fashioned FLU...and what a bitch this is.

If everything goes right, hopefully I should be up and about in a few days.

I very rarely feel like crap or get ill but this just got me like a Pacquiao right hook.

Being sick, it made me think of some of the illnesses and home remedies we have been accustomed to.

- Huwag lalabas ang bata sa umaga ng walang bonnet baka mahamugan.
Ok so I guess kids in San Francisco and Daly City (a city enveloped in fog 23 out of 24 hours of the day) should all stay in their homes huh? Biggest piece of bullshit I have ever heard.

-Lawayan ang bata para hindi mausog.
The only thing this does is makes the baby stink from some old dude's saliva.

- Gamot sa sore eyes, gatas ng ina.
Does it depend on whose breasts they came from? I bet Jessica Alba's breast milk would be more effective than lets say Pokwang's?

- Wag mag lalaro ng apoy at mag iihi ka sa gabi.
I used to take a stick (?) from a walis tingting light it up and write my name in the air. Effective in preventing arson, not too effective in preventing bed wetting.

- Wag maliligo o magbabasa pagkatapos mamalantsa o mag laro sa labas dahil mapapasma.
I am gonna go out of a limb here and say whoever started this is some lazy kid finding an excuse not to take a shower.

- Ihian ang paa para mabawasan ang pag papawis.
Just like any other pre teen in the Philippines, I was a hoops addict. 3 oclock, 4 oclock it doesnt matter, I'm out there playing hoops in my tsinelas. The problem? after the game I would have that gross V strap on my feet, brought about by the dust and grime sticking from my sweaty feet. The solution according to them? Pee on it. What happens? nothing except your feet smelling like pee.

- Nakakabaog ang stork na ihinalo sa Sprite o Seven-up.
If this was true, we would'nt have the population problem were having right now.

As I recover, feel free to add to this list in the comment section below. Now let me boil some water so i can put a tablespoon of vicks to inhale.....

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines.

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