Friday, May 29, 2009

Presidential Report: Pinoy Illnesses and Home Remedies


Malacanan Palace
30 May 2009

My countrymen, the hardwork, stress and everything that comes with being President has finally taken a toll on me. I am sick.

I am currently recuperating with the help of Vicks vaporub, Decolgen forte, lots of fluid and Marlboro Mediums.

So not to alarm everyone, let me stress that this is not swine flu, SARS, dengue or foot and mouth disease. This is purely good old fashioned FLU...and what a bitch this is.

If everything goes right, hopefully I should be up and about in a few days.

I very rarely feel like crap or get ill but this just got me like a Pacquiao right hook.

Being sick, it made me think of some of the illnesses and home remedies we have been accustomed to.

- Huwag lalabas ang bata sa umaga ng walang bonnet baka mahamugan.
Ok so I guess kids in San Francisco and Daly City (a city enveloped in fog 23 out of 24 hours of the day) should all stay in their homes huh? Biggest piece of bullshit I have ever heard.

-Lawayan ang bata para hindi mausog.
The only thing this does is makes the baby stink from some old dude's saliva.

- Gamot sa sore eyes, gatas ng ina.
Does it depend on whose breasts they came from? I bet Jessica Alba's breast milk would be more effective than lets say Pokwang's?

- Wag mag lalaro ng apoy at mag iihi ka sa gabi.
I used to take a stick (?) from a walis tingting light it up and write my name in the air. Effective in preventing arson, not too effective in preventing bed wetting.

- Wag maliligo o magbabasa pagkatapos mamalantsa o mag laro sa labas dahil mapapasma.
I am gonna go out of a limb here and say whoever started this is some lazy kid finding an excuse not to take a shower.

- Ihian ang paa para mabawasan ang pag papawis.
Just like any other pre teen in the Philippines, I was a hoops addict. 3 oclock, 4 oclock it doesnt matter, I'm out there playing hoops in my tsinelas. The problem? after the game I would have that gross V strap on my feet, brought about by the dust and grime sticking from my sweaty feet. The solution according to them? Pee on it. What happens? nothing except your feet smelling like pee.

- Nakakabaog ang stork na ihinalo sa Sprite o Seven-up.
If this was true, we would'nt have the population problem were having right now.

As I recover, feel free to add to this list in the comment section below. Now let me boil some water so i can put a tablespoon of vicks to inhale.....

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Presidential Flash Report: Hayden's Cold Shower

Malacanan Palace
28 May 2009

At the Senate today, one man was able to do what Hayden should have done in the first place: Taking a cold shower. Abner Afuang, whose life was made into a movie starring Philip Salvador, doused water at the embattled doctor at the start of today's Senate Hearing (Chismis) on the sex video scandal........(Look at the Senate treated like a beauty parlor!)

I don't know about you but Hayden blew it. That was his chance to get any kind of dignity back. So what if he got shot by doing that? That would have been the perfect exit! I would have jumped up, caught Afuang myself and kicked the living shit out of him. I mean WTF! You can cuss at me, give me the finger or whatever...but water? in my face? infront of millions of people? That is akin to being spit on or being bitch slapped. I bet even the most perverse person in this world (if there is one besides you) has lost whatever ounce of respect they have for you. You are now ALONE. Pati mga manyak na tulad mo kinahihiya ka na! Someone dares to pull that shit on me, that person would have been dead by now. Hayden, you are not just a pervert of a highest kind but a pussy of the highest degree...Let me say it again P-U-S-S-Y!

Honestly, this shit has gone too far even for my standards. I wish all of you would just go the fuck away....... Katrina to Palawan...Belo back to the 1950s....Hayden to hell....Bong Revilla to Cavite....ugh!

Now that I got that last paragraph out of the actually go...make a fool of yourselves. Even Jerry Springer or Howard Stern could have never thought of this.

You blew it blew it.

(Sgd) H.E. President of the Philippines
28 May 2009

Monday, May 25, 2009

Executive Order No.6: Exploration of Alternative Tourist Spots in the Philippines.

Malacanan Palace
28 May 2009

SUBJECT: Exploration of Alternative Locales as New Tourist Spots

WHEREAS, With the global financial crisis with no end in sight, this government are working on ways on how to solve budget deficits and shortfalls.

WHEREAS, As President of this Republic, I have directed the Department of Tourism to explore other Philippine locations as potential tourist spots that would generate additional revenue for the government.

WHEREAS, I encourage all Filipinos here and abroad to embrace these sites that would surely give everyone satisfaction, enjoyment, relaxation and would foster national pride.

WHEREAS, Citizens are also encourage to post their own hidden gems for inspection recognition and inclusion in this executive order in the comments section below.

WHEREAS These said spots will all be accessible, educational, exciting, and more importantly affordable for everyone to enjoy.


A stone's throw away from the Philippine Congress, this 130 feet tall mountain of a "gold mine" is indeed a sight to behold. With fog billowing out of Payatas mirroring that of the hills of San Francisco, to its unmistakeably unique smell that is distinctively Payatas, the sheer mass of this "scavenger's paradise" one would be dumbfounded to muster the right adjectives to describe this place. An excellent showcase of archeological, cultural and social treasures, antiques, that mirrors that of the whole country. Not only is this a spectacular sight, this also is a job seekers haven where with a strong resistance to smell and hard work, one can earn upwards to 400 pesos a day for its more than 40,000 residents! A museum, a man made wonder, a shopping center all rolled into one. Truly a Philippines' souce of national pride. By the way, ever noticed that your water tastes a bit odd? Well maybe because the main water supply for the metropolis comes from the La Mesa dam, where the "juices" of Payatas seeps in. Ahhhhh how refreshing



A hidden gem that locals wish they could hide, Tae beach (also known as Ma-tae beach) is like the ugly adopted stepsister of the prettier beaches around it in Nasugbu and the Matabungkay Beach in Calatagan. If those beaches has white sand that represents its pristine beauty, Tae beach might as well be covered with asphalt as it has black sand. Children will surely have a blast here too as they could make the sturdiest sandcastles able to withstand waves. Sandcastles here are uncharacteristically strong as sand is mixed with crap (human or otherwise) or tae, hence it's name. The tae acts as a cement like substance that strengthens sandcastles! Oh how fun! Watch your childs' creativity explode as they use wrappers of Chippy, Pee Wee and other things some people consider as "garbage" littered all over the shore as decorations for their sandcastles. For those with an adventurous spirit, try swimming at the beach and experience being in the water in the company of sea weeds, fish, my lost Nike Shoe and you guessed it, fresh ebak. I have no idea why, but the current local government and the district's congresswoman are currently working on turning the said beach into a Baywalk, so hurry before it changes forever.



Have you been to the Buzz Lightyear ride in Disneyland? Well this ride takes the same concept only instead of you firing at targets, you are getting fired upon with bags of urine and shit instead of laser lights. Its cars are old, dilapidated and is a breeding ground for diseases. A trip on this train is truly a trip down memory lane, a distant memory. Plus a trip to the hospital. Great for children and great for training as being able to evade a hot bag of fresh manure is something one must have to survive. It is also not unusual to see kids playing the local game patintero with an oncoming train. While inside, enjoy the view as its route showcases the best in "minimalist architecture", which simply means architecture using the very minimum in materials: scrap metal and cardboard boxes. Truly a majestic achievement in urban planning, architecture and engineering.


It is a non stop thrill ride that is sure to titillate the senses, enhance your sense of adventure, and give the true meaning of exhiliration. Fares vary from points of origin and we are not going to be responsible if you happen to sit beside that fellow who still smells "amoy araw" even if it is already 8 o'clock at night. A change of clothes may also be necessary for those lucky ones who happen to get hit by a heaping pile of shit so please prepare accordingly.



Why waste your money in Vegas or Macau when you can splurge right in your own backyard? Saklaan's are the Philippines' answer to the Vegas Strip, as it gives the same excitement and more as one would get in Vegas. If Vegas casinos only offer drinks for free, Saklaan also gives beverages plus biscuits, those of the canned variety. Also, just like Vegas, women usually offers food and refreshment although of course the women in Vegas are better looking and smells better but for 45 times less money, who are you to complain.



If you're into extreme kayaking, or white water rafting this is the place for you. Experience the thrill of being in a improvised boat, and with typhoons water goes downstream at 100mph. Dodging shoes, diapers, sanitary napkins and the occasional refrigerator, this takes extreme water sports well to the ultra extreme. A 25 kilometer stretch of water..err murky water, this criscrosses 13 different bridges littered all over the Metro Manila area.. Boat fees vary or if one is feeling a little bit more adventurous, you can take an icebox made from Styrofoam and go on your merry way for free! Life vests are completely optional and are not required. Why go to those venetian boats and canals in Venice when you can experience the real "kanal" here in the Pasig River.

Therefore, I the President of the greatest country in the while wide world, by the powers vested in me and by the power of grayskull, I hereby declare this executive order valid effective immediately.

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines
28 May 2009

Presidential Bulletin: Baron's Masturbation

Malacanan Palace
25 May 2009


This bulletin provides guidance regarding perverts on the loose, i.e: Hayden Kho and again, Baron Geisler.

This bulletin is a reminder to all women to use better judgement, if and when one is to approach, interact or be within breathing distance of Mr. Geisler and of course Hayden Kho.



"Masturbation is nothing to be ashamed of. It's nothing to be particularly proud of, either." - Matt Groening

First, we need to give props to Mr. Geisler for his improving taste in women. After being charged with acts of lasciviousness by Patricia Martinez, (daughter of William Martinez and Yayo Aguila) one whose name you would not find in any mens magazines' hottest women lists, Geisler has improved on his perverse urges with this little hottie: Yasmien Kurdi. According to reports, Geisler masturbated or as a witnessed has described it: "nag-bate" in full view of Kurdi, Jennylyn Mercado and Kurdi's production assistant during the shoot of their GMA Teleserye.

Lets get one thing straight. I USED TO masturbate, (ok I still do, sometimes.) when I was 13 so I'm not one to judge masturbation per se. I'm not too good at it, so I prefer "getting in there" instead of "spanking the monkey". But I do not masturbate in front of people and there lies Baron's problem. See, I guess it is ok if one masturbates while having sex with a partner, but not when you merely saw someone's panties, NO MATTER HOW GREAT LOOKING THAT CROTCH OR CAMEL TOE LOOKS!!

Align Center

Not to say that this is an excuse but the dude is currently in a long distance relationship with a chick who lives in Australia. And as everyone who is involved in a long distance relationship knows, masturbation via webcam, i.e. cybersex, is the only way to keep those libido flowing. I would like to know what this girlfriend of his has to say about this, because if this was my girl, no matter how much of a stud I am, she would have kicked me to the curb YESTERDAY. I wonder what kind of lame excuse Baron has for his girlfriend, could it be along the lines of Baron was masturbating in front of his laptop and Yasmin and Jennylyn just happened to be there???

You know who got the best out of this news? HAYDEN KHO. He's probably like a proud papa right now, as he can proudly say, hey its not just me people! And more importantly, the good Doctor would get a much needed respite from being known as the most sexually deviant Filipino known to man.


So I guess in a few days, (as some reports has said, the "Baron Masturbation" was caught in camera) I would not be surprised to see this all over the internet for everyone to see. But just like what I did on the Bong Revilla nude photos, I WILL PASS. No thanks.

As President of this republic, I would like to propose to these two an easy way out of these controversies. Let us tatoo the words "SEX MANIAC" across your foreheads and everything will be forgotten. NO TRIALS, NO LAWSUITS. Hey if the two giant television networks would still give you jobs, sure take them too! So what do you say Baron and Hayden? How about that?

Friday, May 22, 2009

Presidential Report: Bong Revilla's Perversity? Nude Photos All Over The Internet

Malacanan Palace
22 May 2009

Well, well, well. Lookie here! after calling Hayden Kho a "maniac" and a "pervert of the highest kind", and suddenly becoming the hero of oppressed women from here to Timbuktu, (which probably does not include wives suffering from their philandering husbands wink* wink*) the good senator from Cavite is now embroiled in a scandal of his own. Reports are now starting to circulate in cyberspace that Senator Revilla's nude (gasp*) photos are now all over the internet.


According to a report of ABS-CBN news said photos were taken from the movie Kilabot at Kembot which he co starred with Assunta de Rossi.

So if Hayden is a pervert of the highest kind, (like super pervert to the max) is it safe to say that the Senator is a pervert of a lesser degree? In other words where does Senator Revilla rank in lets say the Pervert Military? Kho, Hayden - General. Revilla, Bong - umm Colonel?

Here's a quote from our good senator: "I know for a fact na mayroon ng mga kampong naninira sa akin dahil sa pakikipag-laban kong ito. They have hired PR groups to divert the issue and destroy me but I will not falter." Riiiiight.

Being a true public servant I will not, and I repeat I will not post said picture here, not because of fear from prosecution or impeachment but rather save us all from those ghastly images that maybe ingrained in our minds after seeing such photo. So do not expect to find it here nor would I want to see. I think after seeing Hayden's equipment, I have already reached my seeing other guy's nightstick quota for the whole year.

It would be interesting to see if this "scandal" would make the Senator back off a bit. Hopefully, (please god no) there will not be any Bong Revilla and (insert name here) video scandal that would pop up in the next few hours or days.

Ad hominem.....shoot the messenger.....Hayden -1, Bong -1. LOL

(Sgd) H.E. President of the Philippines

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Presidential Circular: Of Hayden-Katrina-Maricar, Bong Revilla, Alec Baldwin, Candy Pangilinan and Charice.

Malacanan Palace
21 May 2009

How refreshing it is to see that our good senator from Cavite, the Honorable Bong Revilla is actually alive and is in the senate floor, one thing that can not be said about his colleague and fellow actor the Honorable Lito Lapid. A news report even describes Revilla's privilege speech as "rare". Leave it to someone like Hayden Kho to get a rise out of the good senator. How I wish though that instead of this........

he would be doing something else of his time, the kind of thing that people who voted for him would truly appreciate and benefit I dunno? CREATING JOBS???? SOLVING CRIMES?? I know though. The urge to resist this kind of publicity is hard, specially from someone seeking a higher office and one that is a publicity whore. And besides...I don't think the good senator is the best guy to call someone a "maniac" or a "pervert of the highest kind" or something. I mean Bong Revilla? really? Was Jamby busy counting her millions from her Auntie? was Pia Cayetano in Pilates class?

Yes, I have seen one of the videos. I just could not find the urge nor the time to look for all five of them or how many there are out there. But as President I need to educate myself to be able to form an educated opinion of the matter. And to empower those who would like to form an educated opinion as well according to intelligence sources, here is a site where ALLEGEDLY the video of Hayden and Maricar is posted. Shame on these smut peddlers :P

To Katrina and cutie Maricar, don't fret. Just when you think it is the end of the line for the both of you, I give you Paris.....Kim Kardashian and even Vanessa Hudgens to a lesser degree. All of them has parlayed their sex videos into bigger and brighter things. There is hope for you guys. I have heard of no celebrity whose lives were ruined because of a sex video. Empower yourselves, do more of these but this time, make sure its in your own terms.


And brother...trim them pubes. Otherwise, gotta give it you man, dunno if there's a market for a pornstar with a cock of a 12 year old but hey, you did it, good luck. You managed to F up your career for your perverse urges but hey more power to you. Oh another thing, we really don't want to see you and your ass as much as you want us to see and ..can you make them videos a little clearer next time? Like HD quality or something.

And then there's Alec Baldwin. One of the Baldwin brothers. Kim Basinger's ex husband.

Alec freakin Baldwin. Are we actually legitimizing the comments made by this dude, whose most recent and significant work was his profanity laced tirade of his then 11 year old daughter? Who cares on what this guy says. It's a joke! I'm still waiting for somebody of significance to say something...anything about the Philippines. Not Baldwin, Not Teri Hatcher, Not Chip Tsao. How about Clooney? Pitt? Denzel? even Cruise!

And while I'm at it.... Candy? sweetie, you know its cool and all but I think I have issued an executive order sometime ago that states that unless you are capable of being picked up in a bar by someone sober, you should not make fun of anyone's appearance except your own. And unfortunately honey, you fall under this category. I do get you though. Your apology was well executed but still is riddled by damage control. Why not just go out there and say yes, I did make fun of Igorots, I am an idiot, and I am sorry, instead of saying you were really talking about the Igorot statue. ..

UMMMM.............NO THANK YOU.

But there is one common denominator in all of these so-called scandals besides insensitivity by the guilty parties. Politicians jumping at every opportunity for their chance to ride the wave of publicity from these scandals/controversies. The Baguio Provincial Council really? for what? for the chance to be interviewed by different media sources? I think the Igorots would appreciate that instead of the time you people spent typing and creating a resolution condemning Candy, you guys would have went to the hinterlands and looked at their plight. Sure I'll give GABRIELA a free pass but there's just something not right about the way they're doing things.

You know what would be nice BUT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN? President Obama or Nelson Mandela writing our consuls about the blatant racial epithets our two biggest networks routinely do on their comedy shows towards black people. They have more pressing issues to tackle, something our leaders never realize since all of them are too pre occupied in making sure their mugs make it to the front pages of all papers and the six o clock news. One time, just one time I hope someone would do this to make us realize that this is just utterly stupid and juvenile.

Now as I go back to the important issues of the day let me leave you with this...Charice Pempengco bringing down the house in the Oprah Winfrey Show with her new single Note to God. Just when you think everything is just going to fall apart...Here she comes to save the day. Now lets just wait which politician would be first in line to commend Charice for a job well done for his own 15 minutes of fame.

Conferment of the Order of Sikatuna on Ronnie Ricketts

20 MAY 2009


WHEREAS, This Conferment of the Order of Sikatuna with Rank of Datu is presented to Ronnie Ricketts, also known by the spine-tingling nickname "Rocketts" for being the single most influential, powerful and intimidating Filipino of all time.

WHEREAS, This recognition is given to Ronn-Rick due to the following indisputable facts and my fear of him.
  • Manny Pacquiao DID NOT knock Ricky Hatton out. Hatton knew Ronnie Ricketts bet on Manny so he decided not to answer the bell.
  • Manny Pacquiao FEARS Ronnie Ricketts.
  • PAG ASA is waiting for a typhoon signal No.6 to name it after Ronnie Ricketts
  • Jose Maria Sison exiled in the Netherlands because of Ronnie Ricketts.
  • Ronnie Ricketts eats pork with swine flu.
  • Alec Baldwin will apologize to Filipinos because of Ronnie Ricketts.
  • "Ang hindi lumingon sa pinanggalingan...sisipain ni Ronnie Ricketts."
  • "Bato bato sa langit ang tamaan wag magagalit...kasi si Ronnie Ricketts ang bumato"
  • The disease ricketts was named after Ronnie Ricketts
  • Mt Pinatubo has been dormant since Ronnie Ricketts yelled at it.
  • "Nasa tao ang gawa, na kay Ronnie Ricketts ang awa"
  • Ronnie Ricketts uses arnis to swat flies
  • Ronnie Ricketts uses arnis to kill people in a more humane way, his fists are just way too hard.
  • When playing basketball, Ronnie dunks the ball by using his feet.
  • Nardong Putik used to be stone, he turned into mud after Ronnie Ricketts punched him in the face.
  • "Lahat ng gubat, may ahas, pwera na lang kung malapit sa bahay ni Ronnie Ricketts"
  • Ronnie Ricketts does not use toothpicks, he uses a balisong
  • Ronnie Ricketts performed his own appendectomy.
  • Mariang Makiling has a crush on Ronnie Ricketts.
  • In one Lenten Season, Ronnie Ricketts tried to nail himself on the cross but failed. The nail melted in his presence.
  • Ronnie Ricketts does not use mouthwash, he uses muriatic acid.
  • The Hukbalahap was not stopped by Ramon Magsaysay. It was Ronnie Ricketts.
  • Ronnie Ricketts uses a chainsaw to clip his nails.
  • Ronnie Ricketts plays syato using his arnis.
  • Ronnie Ricketts uses siling labuyo to clean his eyes.
  • All aswangs moved to Capiz because of Ronnie Ricketts.
It is of great honor and fear that I, the President of the greatest country in the universe, by the powers vested in me, and by the power of grayskull do confer the Order of Sikatuna on Ronnie Ricketts.

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines
20 May 2009

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Presidential Bulletin: Case of Mistaken Identities (Pinoy Celebrity Look a likes)


Malacanan Palace
16 May 2009

My countrymen, this bulletin is being disseminated through the office of the press secretary to help in the identification of prominent celebrities who have been suffering from cases of mistaken identities. May this bulletin assist everyone in the proper recognition of such Filipinos.


One is currently seen bitching at Kim Chiu, the other just bitch slapped our Pambansang Kamao Manny Pacquiao in the last elections. Both with feisty and fiery personalities.

CHARMEL (of Deal or no Deal) and VIVIAN VELEZ

Perhaps black is the favorite color of these body beautifuls. Charmel's presence in Deal or no Deal brings black, the color of bad luck in every contestant while Vivian donned the Bikining Itim in the movie of the same title.


Apparently, a TV show for the former Senator and the award winning broadcast journalist is in the works: KANGUSO nyo JESSICA and FRANK.


It was BLACK FRIDAY, the biggest shopping day of the year. I woke up early, had my fruit loops and guess who I saw at the GUESS outlet store in Vacaville? Yup Jessa Zaragosa.


So did Bearwin use his magical powers to clone himself with Archie Alemania. Both comedians, both bald and unmistakenly look-a-likes although I gotta give Archie the upper hand having a cutie wife.

DOMINIC OCHOA and JAKE JOSON (Manny Pacquiao's underwear carrier)

It is finally confirmed. Dominic Ochoa does not work for Manny Pacquiao. It is actually a guy named Jake Joson, one who has no official job description except for being in every picture and every camera shot of Manny that ever existed.


One has moved from Jomari Yllana to Martin Jickain to..I dont know...the other has moved from ABS-CBN to GMA 7. A DNA test is what's needed to finally find out if they are true sisters.

AMANDA PAGE and MILAGRING (of wowowee)

I admit. I watch Wowowee. Why? because it is the only reminder of the girl I was, and will always be in love with: AMANDA PAGE. With Milagring around, I don't miss Amanda Page so much anymore although sometimes I wonder where is Amanda. Amanda where are you?!!!!


I still hate Jolas for that gruesome injury that happened to Samboy Lim. Now whenever I see Yul Servo, the whole Samboy injury still flashes in my head. Samboy goes for the dunk, Jolas clips him from underneath, Samboy flips, his feet almost touching the rim then lands face first....oh my god.


Not only do their faces look a like but the biggest resemblance between these two are those two. Look at them quadruplets!

POKWANG and ROSITA (Pinoy Dream Academy)

To my dear yaya.....Yaya Daisy me pag asa pa kayong mag artista. Tingnan mo nga sila o. So keep on practicing on our Magic Mic. Malay mo i revive nyo yung group nina Manilyn noong araw, yung Triplets.


Well, at least we have seen Joseph kiss a guy, a thing that people wonder if Butch Francisco does.


Did Bea Alonzo switch to GMA? Then I realized its not her but someone who looks exactly like her! Do they both like to eat? It kinda looks like it too, although Kurdi claims she's a vegan, whatever that means.


If Willie likes to be called Papi...Fanny likes to call Fafas. One likes to say wowoweee, one says wiheeeeeeee


A classic beauty and a classic case of schizophrenia? Dunno but I do like a quirky girl you know. Its kinda dangerously sexy.


My apologies. I do not intend to be mean. Really. I just could not resist it. Again to the horse, I am really sorry.


It's're in a're on your 8th beer...Joy or John?


You want your 13 year old son to stop masturbating? Print this right away and post it in your son's room. Once he realizes that he might as well be Jimboy he'll tell you he'd never do it again.


My grandma always said that if two people looked a like, they would end up together. Too bad BB Gandanghari is a woman if not she would have ended up with Carmina Villaroel...OH WAIT...THEY WERE MARRIED TO EACH OTHER! DUH!

May this bulletin serve its purpose. God bless the Philippines!

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines
16 May 2009