Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Presidential message of Congratulations to the Agoncillo-Santos Nuptials

Malacanan Palace (29 April 2009)

Judy Ann and Ryan

My warmest congratulations. Although you ticked off a lot of people (many of whom are of the freeloading variety; not to mention Boy and Kris who were obviously bitter by not being invited) by acting like total wannabe hollywood celebs for misleading everyone about your wedding details, being married is a exciting and a big step in your journey as people in a relationship. I mean after a few years, if by some strange reason two people are still together, why the heck not get married. For starters it breaks up the monotony of the daily rigors of being in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.

Ryan, it maybe costly for you Ryan since Juday is the breadwinner in your relationship but you will see that being married pays for itself over time. No more expensive dates, no more gifts for every monthsaries, no more shopping sprees for every time you screw up. Being married, you can just go home, sit on the couch and drink beer regardless if you forgot to pick your wife up from the grocery or you failed for the umpteenth time to put the seat up while peeing in the toilet. That my friend is classic. And if that is not enough, taking a shower is no longer a requirement in order to get laid. Heck you can even DEMAND sex whenever you damn well please claiming that it is one of the most essential components of a successful marriage.

Judy Ann, poor baby. Getting suckered into marrying a guy you created, whose best career move was being involved with you. Hopefully your guile manager Alfie Lorenzo prodded you to get a pre-nup. Can you just imagine what happens if god forbid Ryan takes half of your net worth in a divorce settlement? How are you going to recoup all of your life savings? Are you going to do "ULA ang batang gubat book two"? or "I'm Sorry My Love......Again." These are classics that should never ever be touched again just like other iconic movies such as Binibining Tsuperman, Patrolman and the classic "Lagot Ka sa Kuya Ko" which is written, directed, produced, edited, catered, dubbed, distributed by Ronnie Ricketts which co stars Mariz Ricketts.

Hopefully since you guys feel very very special, so special that a Sharon Cuneta would be up in the wee hours of the morning to prepare for your 7am wedding, you will do anything possible to ensure that this union would stand the test of time. I don't even want to think what Ogie and Regine would say when lets say, in less than a year you guys split up.

Oh and yeah, all your fans appreciate not sharing this special moment of yours with them. You'd think these people deserve at least a glimpse of the church where you guys had the wedding huh? I mean Sharon and Gabby, yes the ULTIMATE LOVE TEAM of ALL TIME had their wedding at the Manila Cathedral for everyone to see. I guess Ryan is of bigger stature than Gabby huh?

Again a sincere and heartfelt congratulations to your wedding. My administration is glad to see that this generations' superstar has finally walked the aisle. To Wowie De Guzman, sorry but you blew it. You had the winning ticket in your hands and you let it slip away, just like how you blew all other opportunities presented to you in the past. And Piolo?, well lets just say we all know WHAT he wants.

(Sgd) H.E. President of the Philippines
29 April, 2009

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

PRESIDENTIAL ADVISORY: How to deal with swine flu

Malacanan Palace, Manila (28 April 2009)

Friends, Romans countrymen lend me your ears. We are now faced with another catastrophic disease which has come upon us, the dreaded swine flu. After red tide, foot and mouth disease, SARS, ebola virus, salmonella, kurikong, galis aso, agihap bato, buni, pigsa, agiyot and sore eyes, this swine flu is one of the deadliest and most wide spread mankind has ever seen. Due to this, I as the loving president of this country has decided to release this advisory to help us all in coping with this deadly disease.

Let me reiterate that eating pork will not cause you to have swine flu. Although if I had the choice between high blood pressure, hypertension, heart attack, high cholesterol or swine flu, one could argue having swine flu is a safer choice. I guess since were all gonna go at some point anyway, the only point of discussion is if you want your demise semi-instant (swine flu) or gradual and cruel (lechong kawali)

Washing hands and being clean are our first line of defense against this dreaded disease. Now if only we could stop doing KSPs or Kulangot Sa Pader, wherein one would stick their booger to walls or under tables we could control or prevent the spread of swine flu.

When ordering burritos from your Mexican taqueria, if the guy behind the counter is exhibiting a green like substance from his nostrils, chances are IT IS NOT GUACAMOLE.

Yes, wearing surgical masks or even gas masks are recommended especially those who are not particularly attractive, or those who usually hear the phrase: "siguro noong nag sabog ang diyos ng kagandahan sa mundo naka payong ka" (yes that's you)

To my cousin: No, swine influenza is not a car, a subaru impreza is. No its not cute that one might find that amusing, he is 37 years old.

No, it does not matter whether your parents applied vicks vaporub in your throat, back and chest. It does not do anything except stink up your clothes and bedding. Drinking Agua oxienada, efficacent oil or mertayolate does not stop swine flu either.

If and when you suspect you have the disease, go to a government agency right away. The only thing is it might be difficult for any government employee to see you because of fear of contracting the disease. There is one government official you can run to though, the Governor of Batangas Vilma Santos. You see Ate Vi is immune from the virus because of her omnipresent handkerchief that never leaves those dainty hands of hers.

Speaking of Batangas, this swine flu should not preempt or postpone the annual Parada ng Lechon in Balayan, Batangas. The ebola virus might, but not swine flu.

Also, if someone who is baboy or lets just say overweight is coughing or sneezing, it doesnt necessarily mean they have swine flu, they might just be a swine with flu.

Hopefully high school students who are thinking of cutting class and are forging their parents signature for their excuse letter does not use this disease and other lesser known versions of swine flu such as goat flu, kalabaw flu, baboy ramo flu, dagang bukid flu and askal flu to get out of class.

In addition, those who owe people money should not use swine flu as an excuse to see those people who lent you money, and if they do call you on the phone, answer their call as swine flu cannot be spread through soundwaves.

Hilots, mambabarangs, quack doctors and the like are not qualified or have the know how to deal with this disease. Only contact them for such cases like popping a pigsa with a Coke bottle (I still don't know why a Pepsi bottle wont work) or finding out who among those who hate you caused you to itch near your rectal area.

In closing I urge all citizens of the Philippines to be vigilant, clean and aware of your surroundings to help the government in its fight against swine flu. Remember, finders keepers. You get the virus, you better keep it.

Our nation is strong and is getting stronger. There are 90 million of us for crying out loud. Really if a few of us croaks because of the swine flu, I really don't think it would make a dent in alleviating our population problem.

God bless the Philippines

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines

Proclamation No. 1: Declaring the Wonder Mom theme song as the 3rd national anthem of the Philippines

Malacanang Palace

By The President of the Philippines
Proclamation No. 1

Declaring the Wonder Mom Theme Song as the third National Anthem of the Philippines

WHEREAS, The Wonder Mom Theme Song is officially declared the third National Anthem of the Philippines after Lupang Hinirang by Julian Felipe and Bayan Ko by Freddie Aguilar

WHEREAS, The Wonder Mom Theme song will now replace "Bakit Ngayon Ka Lang" (the Freestyle-Pops Fernandez version) which will now be relegated to videoke status joining such hits as the classic "My Way", "Knife", and the song "Never knew that it would go so far, when you left me at that boulevard."

WHEREAS, This is also to reiterate that only the theme song, AND NOT THE TV SHOW is declared as a national symbol although I must admit, Karen Davila is pretty hot depending on what time of the day the TV show is replayed on TFC. Besides, who wants to see some spoiled brat throwing temper tantrums when everyone watching knows of the best solution to this problem....A GOOD OLD PARENT BUTT WHOOPIN'.

WHEREAS, Whenever the song is played whether as background noise or as main sound pollutant, every Filipino citizen is requested to drop what they're doing and swing their hips from side to side.

WHEREAS, The lyrics "Kahit na pagod sa bahay, makulit man ang mga bata, mahirap man ang buhay, hindi dapat malumbay, sagot kita!" shall be adhered by all Filipinos. This is also the greatest piece of literary work I have ever seen.

Therefore, I the President of the greatest country in the whole wide universe the Philippines, by the powers vested in me and by the power of grayskull hereby declare the Wonder Mom theme song as the third national anthem of the Republic of the Philippines.

Manila, 27, April 2009
(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines

Sunday, April 26, 2009

And on Sundays...the President chillaxes...

Formulating policies, meetings with other world leaders, facing the nations' ills head on takes a toll on the President. It is imperative that the leader of this great country maintains a healthy body and a sane mind so on Sundays the President, just like any other hard working person takes a Sunday off.

Sundays starts around 10ish, trying to get as much sleep as possible, recharging for the tough week ahead. After breakfast I'm off to my favorite chore of all. Doing the laundry with my new favorite machine my Kenmore portable washer. No hookups necessary just plug it in, connect the hose to the sink and wash away.

I just absofreakinglutely love this machine! I mean I'm going around the house er palace looking for stuff to wash. And hey just in case I get overthrown by a elite led coup d etat, at least I have this machine and OMFG no more laundrymat. Let me say this again NO MORE LAUNDRYMATS!

As of right now I am ready to declare washing clothes as my favorite chore at all. There is something serene and relaxing about washing. I really cant put my finger on it. Is it the bubbles that remind me of my childhood? The white noise washing machines make that is so zen? The scent of freshness? or the mere thought of having clean clothes and being a part of that whole process. Whatever it is it is bliss.

As the washer goes, I'm off to the presidential couch to catch up whats on TV, preferably sports. Since the Golden State Warriors are not in the playoffs. (the teams 15th year out of 16th or so years of not making it.) I get to see the Bulls eke out a victory over the defending champs, The Boston Celtics.

Then the president eats, cleans the presidential vehicle, cooks, takes a nap, takes a few phone calls, folds laundry, goof around with the family then rests for another day ahead. As you can see, my life is no different than yours, the only thing is I am the President of the Philippines

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Executive order No 2: Reconfiguration of the Filipino alphabet

Malacanan Palace, Manila
By The President of the Philippines

Executive Order No. 2
Reconfiguration of the Filipino Alphabet (Alpabetong Filipino)

WHEREAS, The inclusion of a new letter "Pf" (pronounced Puh-ff) in the new Filipino Alphabet is necessary for the avoidance of Filipino English speakers mixing up their P's for their F's and vice versa.

WHEREAS, The new letter is necessary in protecting the egos of Filipinos by reiterating to their brainwashed selves that they are indeed the best English speaking people in the world, better than British, Australians, Asian-Indians, Canadians, and Americans.

WHEREAS, Pending feedback, another letter for consideration is the three-letter letter "Tch" which is commonly used by Willie Revillame when he mentions Channel Tchew (two) or Tchew (two) Million Pesos.

Therefore, I the President of the greatest country in the whole wide universe the Philippines, by the powers vested in me and by the power of grayskull hereby order:

SECTION 1. All childrens' programs including all re runs of the show Batibot shall start singing the alphabet song with the new letter Pf, just like when they added the letter Ng to the English Alphabet and called it the new Alpabetong Filipino.

SECTION 2. Effective immediately the Philippines can also be spelled as Pfilipfpfines, and the pfopfular nursery rhyme Peter Piper as Pfeter Pfipfer pficked a pfeck of pfickled pfepfpfers; A pfeck of pfickled pfepfpfers Pfeter Pfipfer pficked; If Pfeter Pfipfer pficked a pfeck of pfickled pfepfpfers, Where's the pfeck of pfickled pfepfpfers Pfeter Pfipfer pficked?

dep ed Pictures, Images and Photos

SECTION 3. The Department of Education (Dep-Ed) will spearhead this campaign and will be alloted 50 million pesos for the said project where 49.95 million of which would surely vanish in thin air.

SECTION 4. Smirks and giggles will now be prohibited when your Tita Ging tells you to go with her to the "fark to fick some plowers."

SECTION 5. This Order takes effect immediately.

Manila, 25 April 2009
(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines

Friday, April 24, 2009

Executive order No.1: Prohibition of balikbayan boxes for travel purposes

Malacanan Palace, Manila
By The President of the Philippines

Executive Order No. 1
Prohibition of Balikbayan boxes for travel purposes

WHEREAS, Balikbayan boxes cause serious physical injuries to baggage handlers around the world such as Nirmal Singh who vows never to work on a Philippine Airline flight ever again after a nylon cord used as a handle ripped three of his fingers, and relatives of those going abroad who sends them off to the airport such as Uncle Jun who threw his back and now is in disability after carrying four boxes each of which weighed from 88-95 pounds, more than 38 pounds over FAA regulations.

WHEREAS, Balikbayan boxes contribute to the development of the "pack rat" behavior, a psychiatric condition by encouraging would be travellers to hoard and amass ridiculous quantities of vienna sausages, pork and beans, dial soap and spam.

WHEREAS, Said boxes has proven to be detrimental to the over-all well being of all women as there is no goddamn possible way one can maintain one's poise and hotness level while pushing a cart full of boxes or attempting to lift a balikbayan box from the baggage claim carousel to a cart.

WHEREAS, Possession of such boxes imply the economic stature of Filipinos traveling as "cant afford" since there are suitcases available in places like Baclaran and Divisoria.

WHEREAS, Balikbayan boxes aids criminals in the commission of felonies such as robbery, kidnap for ransom, and other crimes like identity theft and taxi over charging since these boxes unabashedly displays the bearer's name, address, telephone number in big, bold, black letters for everyone to see. While you're at it why not etch your pin numbers and bank account numbers too?

Therefore, I the President of the greatest country in the whole wide universe the Philippines, by the powers vested in me and by the power of grayskull hereby order:

SECTION 1. That all Filipinos regardless of citizenship or country of residence including and not limited to "half-halfs" such as Cy Young Award winner and San Francisco Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum, Vanessa Hudgens, Nicole of the Pussycat Dolls are prohibited in using balikbayan boxes as luggage on all flights domestic or international.

SECTION 2. All airport personnel and all law enforcement are hereby authorized to apprehend anyone caught in violation of this order.

SECTION 3. Offenders are subjected to the following fines and or punishments in accordance to the revised penal code.
  • First offense: Confiscation and destruction of balikbayan box not including its contents and a fine of 25 pesos in denominations of the one cent square lapu lapu coin and the five cent flower coin.
  • Second offense: Confiscation and destruction of balikbayan box, fines and incarceration for one day with April Boy Regino, Renz Verano and Charlie Green while they sing their hits non stop.

  • Third offense: Confiscation and destruction of balikbayan box, fines, incarceration and if you happen to survive Renz Verano's Remember Me, death by asphyxiation from a plastic balloon.
SECTION 4. Balikbayan boxes will only be for the exclusive purpose of shipping personal effects through cargo shippers such as LBC, Forex and the like and not to be used as a bahay-bahayan by kids ages 2-5.

SECTION 5. This Order takes effect immediately.

Manila, 24 April 2009
(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines

Thursday, April 23, 2009

If I was the president of the philippines....

7,107 islands, a population of 90 million and growing, problems beyond solving....and you want to be president? Why? Well let's get one thing straight. I am not qualified. According to the "bastion of truth" that is wikipedia......
Under Article 7, Section 2 of the Philippine Constitution, in order to serve as President, one must be at least 40 years of age, a registered voter, able to read and write, a Filipino citizen by birth, and a resident of the Philippines for at least 10 years prior to election.
this guy would've been president

So there. I am not qualified. At least not yet. Not even close. But because one is not qualified it certainly does not mean you cannot be president, as history would show. So lets just say for the sake of argument (and this blog for that matter) that in the next 10 years I have amassed a gazillion dollars, became a movie actor/athlete, adopted into a political dynasty, and became a manipulative and compulsive liar/SOB and became president...what the F am I gonna do?

Well one thing's for sure, I am not going to promise to better the economy like a certain foreign educated economist president has colossally failed to do, nor will I magically make poverty vanish, or fix the peace and order situation. (ok that's three but who's counting?) Instead, I am going to implement decrees, or presidential orders that are doable and life altering.

But before I can do all that I would need to take my oath of office first, like a good president would. Then I can start changing the country one post at a time.... Tomorrow my term begins.