Monday, May 25, 2009

Presidential Bulletin: Baron's Masturbation

Malacanan Palace
25 May 2009


This bulletin provides guidance regarding perverts on the loose, i.e: Hayden Kho and again, Baron Geisler.

This bulletin is a reminder to all women to use better judgement, if and when one is to approach, interact or be within breathing distance of Mr. Geisler and of course Hayden Kho.



"Masturbation is nothing to be ashamed of. It's nothing to be particularly proud of, either." - Matt Groening

First, we need to give props to Mr. Geisler for his improving taste in women. After being charged with acts of lasciviousness by Patricia Martinez, (daughter of William Martinez and Yayo Aguila) one whose name you would not find in any mens magazines' hottest women lists, Geisler has improved on his perverse urges with this little hottie: Yasmien Kurdi. According to reports, Geisler masturbated or as a witnessed has described it: "nag-bate" in full view of Kurdi, Jennylyn Mercado and Kurdi's production assistant during the shoot of their GMA Teleserye.

Lets get one thing straight. I USED TO masturbate, (ok I still do, sometimes.) when I was 13 so I'm not one to judge masturbation per se. I'm not too good at it, so I prefer "getting in there" instead of "spanking the monkey". But I do not masturbate in front of people and there lies Baron's problem. See, I guess it is ok if one masturbates while having sex with a partner, but not when you merely saw someone's panties, NO MATTER HOW GREAT LOOKING THAT CROTCH OR CAMEL TOE LOOKS!!

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Not to say that this is an excuse but the dude is currently in a long distance relationship with a chick who lives in Australia. And as everyone who is involved in a long distance relationship knows, masturbation via webcam, i.e. cybersex, is the only way to keep those libido flowing. I would like to know what this girlfriend of his has to say about this, because if this was my girl, no matter how much of a stud I am, she would have kicked me to the curb YESTERDAY. I wonder what kind of lame excuse Baron has for his girlfriend, could it be along the lines of Baron was masturbating in front of his laptop and Yasmin and Jennylyn just happened to be there???

You know who got the best out of this news? HAYDEN KHO. He's probably like a proud papa right now, as he can proudly say, hey its not just me people! And more importantly, the good Doctor would get a much needed respite from being known as the most sexually deviant Filipino known to man.


So I guess in a few days, (as some reports has said, the "Baron Masturbation" was caught in camera) I would not be surprised to see this all over the internet for everyone to see. But just like what I did on the Bong Revilla nude photos, I WILL PASS. No thanks.

As President of this republic, I would like to propose to these two an easy way out of these controversies. Let us tatoo the words "SEX MANIAC" across your foreheads and everything will be forgotten. NO TRIALS, NO LAWSUITS. Hey if the two giant television networks would still give you jobs, sure take them too! So what do you say Baron and Hayden? How about that?


  1. Phleeasse, Mr. President. Xplain Y o Y is this happening to our young bloods? It is something in the air or the water? You must order the DOH to conduct an investigation and get to the bottom of this.

  2. Speaking of pervs, I saw Alex Magnaye in a Nat Geo re-enacment of the Mt. Pinatubo eruption. He was playing - Ray Punongbayan. He had on a wig that looked like a rag on his head. I thought he would be the offering to the gods by the Aetas. Which is why it blew its top!