Executive Order No.6: Exploration of Alternative Tourist Spots in the Philippines.

Malacanan Palace
28 May 2009

SUBJECT: Exploration of Alternative Locales as New Tourist Spots

WHEREAS, With the global financial crisis with no end in sight, this government are working on ways on how to solve budget deficits and shortfalls.

WHEREAS, As President of this Republic, I have directed the Department of Tourism to explore other Philippine locations as potential tourist spots that would generate additional revenue for the government.

WHEREAS, I encourage all Filipinos here and abroad to embrace these sites that would surely give everyone satisfaction, enjoyment, relaxation and would foster national pride.

WHEREAS, Citizens are also encourage to post their own hidden gems for inspection recognition and inclusion in this executive order in the comments section below.

WHEREAS These said spots will all be accessible, educational, exciting, and more importantly affordable for everyone to enjoy.

MAGIC MOUNTAIN (PAYATAS DUMPSITE)

LOCATION: QUEZON CITY
HOW TO REACH IT: FROM THE AIRPORT TAKE A CAB TO QUEZON CITY AND FOLLOW THE STENCH

A stone's throw away from the Philippine Congress, this 130 feet tall mountain of a "gold mine" is indeed a sight to behold. With fog billowing out of Payatas mirroring that of the hills of San Francisco, to its unmistakeably unique smell that is distinctively Payatas, the sheer mass of this "scavenger's paradise" one would be dumbfounded to muster the right adjectives to describe this place. An excellent showcase of archeological, cultural and social treasures, antiques, that mirrors that of the whole country. Not only is this a spectacular sight, this also is a job seekers haven where with a strong resistance to smell and hard work, one can earn upwards to 400 pesos a day for its more than 40,000 residents! A museum, a man made wonder, a shopping center all rolled into one. Truly a Philippines' souce of national pride. By the way, ever noticed that your water tastes a bit odd? Well maybe because the main water supply for the metropolis comes from the La Mesa dam, where the "juices" of Payatas seeps in. Ahhhhh how refreshing

TAE BEACH

LOCATION: BALAYAN, BATANGAS HOW TO GET THERE: FROM MANILA, APPROXIMATELY 2 HRS. ASK A TRICYCLE DRIVER TO TAKE YOU TO TAE BEACH.

A hidden gem that locals wish they could hide, Tae beach (also known as Ma-tae beach) is like the ugly adopted stepsister of the prettier beaches around it in Nasugbu and the Matabungkay Beach in Calatagan. If those beaches has white sand that represents its pristine beauty, Tae beach might as well be covered with asphalt as it has black sand. Children will surely have a blast here too as they could make the sturdiest sandcastles able to withstand waves. Sandcastles here are uncharacteristically strong as sand is mixed with crap (human or otherwise) or tae, hence it's name. The tae acts as a cement like substance that strengthens sandcastles! Oh how fun! Watch your childs' creativity explode as they use wrappers of Chippy, Pee Wee and other things some people consider as "garbage" littered all over the shore as decorations for their sandcastles. For those with an adventurous spirit, try swimming at the beach and experience being in the water in the company of sea weeds, fish, my lost Nike Shoe and you guessed it, fresh ebak. I have no idea why, but the current local government and the district's congresswoman are currently working on turning the said beach into a Baywalk, so hurry before it changes forever.

PNR RAILWAYS

LOCATION: METRO MANILA

Have you been to the Buzz Lightyear ride in Disneyland? Well this ride takes the same concept only instead of you firing at targets, you are getting fired upon with bags of urine and shit instead of laser lights. Its cars are old, dilapidated and is a breeding ground for diseases. A trip on this train is truly a trip down memory lane, a distant memory. Plus a trip to the hospital. Great for children and great for training as being able to evade a hot bag of fresh manure is something one must have to survive. It is also not unusual to see kids playing the local game patintero with an oncoming train. While inside, enjoy the view as its route showcases the best in "minimalist architecture", which simply means architecture using the very minimum in materials: scrap metal and cardboard boxes. Truly a majestic achievement in urban planning, architecture and engineering.

ITS KINDA LIKE THIS YOU KNOW

It is a non stop thrill ride that is sure to titillate the senses, enhance your sense of adventure, and give the true meaning of exhiliration. Fares vary from points of origin and we are not going to be responsible if you happen to sit beside that fellow who still smells "amoy araw" even if it is already 8 o'clock at night. A change of clothes may also be necessary for those lucky ones who happen to get hit by a heaping pile of shit so please prepare accordingly.

SAKLAAN

LOCATION: ALL OVER THE PHILIPPINES
HOW TO GET THERE: LISTEN FOR A GUNSHOT AND IN A DAY OR SO WATCH FOR ONE TO SPROUT UP IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD

Why waste your money in Vegas or Macau when you can splurge right in your own backyard? Saklaan's are the Philippines' answer to the Vegas Strip, as it gives the same excitement and more as one would get in Vegas. If Vegas casinos only offer drinks for free, Saklaan also gives beverages plus biscuits, those of the canned variety. Also, just like Vegas, women usually offers food and refreshment although of course the women in Vegas are better looking and smells better but for 45 times less money, who are you to complain.

PASIG RIVER

LOCATION: MANILA
HOW TO GET THERE: BEST WAY IS THROUGH STA. ANA MANILA

If you're into extreme kayaking, or white water rafting this is the place for you. Experience the thrill of being in a improvised boat, and with typhoons water goes downstream at 100mph. Dodging shoes, diapers, sanitary napkins and the occasional refrigerator, this takes extreme water sports well to the ultra extreme. A 25 kilometer stretch of water..err murky water, this criscrosses 13 different bridges littered all over the Metro Manila area.. Boat fees vary or if one is feeling a little bit more adventurous, you can take an icebox made from Styrofoam and go on your merry way for free! Life vests are completely optional and are not required. Why go to those venetian boats and canals in Venice when you can experience the real "kanal" here in the Pasig River.

Therefore, I the President of the greatest country in the while wide world, by the powers vested in me and by the power of grayskull, I hereby declare this executive order valid effective immediately.

(Sgd.) H.E. President of the Philippines
28 May 2009